*emphasized text*I wrote this entry just after I graduated and turned 18. A lot has changed since it’s last entry but I’m putting it all here. It’s long, fair warning. And a lot of it likely won’t make sense in the context of this site, but I’ll likely keep the original text largely unchanged. It is intended for mature 18+ audiences. But perhaps some young people can find wisdom in my words and experiences. Also all the names are left unchanged as well so if you figure out who I am, please do not comment on it publicly. Feel free to message me though. I’m now 21 and the next entry will be catching you up on everything that happened after my last entry.
My name is Lionstar (Originally this had my real name but I think it’s best if you just know me by my psuedonym). The date is 7/9/2017. The time is 6:44 A.M. I am currently 18. I have been in love with exactly four women and no men as of yet. I am pansexual. I have had approximately 8 sexual partners and have lied to 90% of the people I interact with about that number. I have fooled around with many more females and even a few males from time to time. As I am writing this I am listening to the Hamilton soundtrack on repeat. I am 5’ 9” and weigh approximately 150 lbs. Why am I writing this? I couldn’t tell you dear reader. Perhaps one day I will die and they’ll release these notes as my story. If so, please leave it unedited, grammar errors and all. Perhaps I want to confess my feelings to someone who will listen: Blank paper on a computer. I don’t know.. All I know is I want to write without thinking. A stream of consciousness if you will. I don’t know what I’ll write about or how long it will be but I just need to write occasionally. Perhaps this is a desperate call of help. I am hoping somebody will find this and confront me about it if I’m being honest. If I’m still here as you read this, please say something… If not well…
Right now I want to talk about love. It’s such a complicated emotion. And one that has caused me endless amounts of pain. No doubt this will be one of my longer writing sessions as love is something that I love to talk about if I’m being honest. I don’t know why. It alleviates the pain a bit perhaps. As previously mentioned I have been in love exactly four times and each time it was very different. In order they are Gabbi, Danori, Courtney, and most recently Samantha. I also briefly fell in love with another girl named Sam while I was in Texas but that is another long story and is a bit more complicated.
I think it’s best to go backwards… Right now Samantha, (Known from here on out as Sam) consumes me. It’s very frustrating as she is with another one of my best friends and is in love with who is basically my brother. I’m not even sure she knows how I feel. I confessed once but she might have been asleep and if she wasn’t she hasn’t made that information known that she knows. We’ve had sex once and it was awful. Not her mind you, me. I was under a lot of stress, combating my feelings for her and college , and my friend who was contemplating suicide, and so many other things compounding and I came very quickly. She didn’t cum, I skipped most of the foreplay, and just generally underperformed. No words have hit me harder and deeper than when she looked at me after wards and said, “I’m disappointed in you. I expected more,”. Yes David, that girl I told you about who said that to me was her, but you already knew that I was in love with her. However, per her request I didn’t tell you we had sex. Sam if you ever read this, I confess I did tell Shawn in a moment of weakness and one other person when I broke down. I’m sorry. If you read this and I’m still alive I imagine you’ll hit me, or choke me, or worst of all, simply stop talking to me.
This paragraph is for you specifically Sam. If you are not Sam please skip it. Although, chances are I will not be there to stop you if you are anyway. Not that I could stop you from reading even if I was there… anyway, please, if you’re not Sam skip this part.
Sam.. I don’t know what there is to say in all honesty. Why do I love you is probably a question you’re asking yourself because of course you are. In all honesty it is a million things and in case you’re wondering, your boobs don’t even make it into the top ten. Your smile is contagious. Your laughter is melodious. You are an amazing mother. You don’t take no shit from anyone. I can picture the exact face you’d make if I told this to you in person. You’d pretend you hate it because it’s cheesy but you’d secretly love it. The way the left side of your mouth tilts up slightly higher when you’re neutrally smiling. The list goes on and on. Even when you are abusing me, I love every second. The contact and attention in general is mentally aphrodisiastic For me. Is that a word? The quality of being an aphrodisiac? I don’t know. I’m sure you do though (Editors Note: She did.). At any rate, with every blow I ask why but I secretly yearn for more. I’d prefer the gentler touches but as they say… beggars and choosers… For each and every one of the woman I have loved I can pinpoint the exact moment I knew I loved them. For you? It was the week you spent at Tristan’s house. The second day. I woke up a couple of moments before you and started to play with your hair the way I knew you liked. You woke up a few minutes later, looked over at me, and gave me a smile that has been ingrained into my mind since that day. Then you patted my head. I had feelings for you before. But that’s when I knew that I would love nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you. But of course I wasn’t even in the running was I? Between Shawn who had more money than I could have possibly had and David who had known you for many many years more than me, the only thing I could offer you was my heart. Maybe that is enough for you maybe not. The only way I could know is if I ever tell you this to your face? Will I? Well, I suppose as you read this you’ll know. Maybe by the time you read this we’re already married. Heh… A man could dream. Speaking of dreams, you’ve been in mine. Three days ago I had the most vivid dream and it started with our marriage. It wasn’t anything too large, just a small ceremony. We had a small house, both making some money working at a college, you as a marine biologist with various grant moneys and me as an English professor. But it wasn’t much money. But we were happy. Liz was almost a teenager and grew into more and more of her mother every day. That night the dream ended with you telling me you were expecting our first child. I woke up and bolted upright with the largest grin on my face. The rest of the day I was depressed. Then when I finally went back to sleep, the dream continued. I picked you up and spun you around all cliché. I guess I must have been working out cause you and I both know that I’m not strong enough for that. The dreams continued in chronological order with a few time skips. It’s a boy. We name him Isaiah after what I was supposed to be named. You pick out the middle name. You go with Jackson for some reason you won’t explain to me. But I’m just so goddamned happy I simply shrug and kiss you. For the past three nights since that first dream it’s continued. Every time I wake up I’ve been depressed most of the day. Sam I don’t know how you think of me as I write this and if you read this while I’m still here please confront me about it. I don’t know how you possibly could but I desperately need closure for this. I didn’t mean to have sex with you that night. We were both in no position to be doing such, even if you tried to hide it and I am sincerely sorry for that. I suppose I’ve said all I want to right now. There might be more later on. I’ll add a precursor again if I do.
Alright everybody else can come back now. I have loved Sam about a month now and ever since I knew I loved her it has hurt. A lot. It has driven me to avoiding one of my best friends simply that I can avoid some pain. Shawn, I’m sorry. It wasn’t right of me to do that. You won her heart fair and square. As long as she’s happy with you I’ll love you for it. It will still hurt because I am a selfish person at heart but objectively speaking I would prefer her to be happy with you than unhappy with me… My chest compacts when I see her. My head fills with thoughts, memories, Polar Bearing, dancing, arguing, cuddling, ropes, crying, waking up, Jonathan Young, Pan, countless more. My eyes widen My face softens. But more than anything else I just want to cry because you’re so goddamned beautiful.
I can talk for pages about Sam, but I really want to talk about my longest love now. Courtney Huff. Where to even begin here? It all started with a simple phrase. An offhand comment by my mother. “I like her. You two should date.” Of course I scoffed. She was a friend. That’s all. But created a spark that would consume me for almost three years. I wish I could talk more but it is now 7:30 A.M. Perhaps I will write more later tonight. Perhaps not. I have to go meet Cameron for coffee before D&D. He’s not set to come in until 10 A.M. But I’m going to see if he can come in early. I need a distraction.
Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creep in this petty pace from day to day… The date is 7/11/2017. It is 4:11 A.M. To the extent of my knowledge I am still Lionstar and am still in fact 18. Today has been draining. I know you’re probably hoping to hear more about my steamy love life however, this is my story dear reader, not yours and tonight I have a different story to tell. Have you ever wondered what it is like to be so utterly confused and lost among your own friends? To feel left out among the people who care most? I know that each and every one of my friends would go to the end of the earth for me, yet when I am down they don’t move to help. Do they simply not realize that I am silently screaming for a saving grace? Do they simply not know how to comfort one like me and so simply remain silent? Or, worst of all, is It simply apathy? I hope not. I want to believe they are good people…
Pokemon Go is an amazing invention and kudos to Niantic for inventing it.
Does it make me a selfish person to want them to notice how sad I am? Is it selfish that I simply want the relationship they have? These are the kinds of questions I would pose to Cameron if he were here.
Speaking of, I really don’t give him enough credit for how much he has impacted my life. My entire life’s outlook is caused by him. He’s smart and philosophical. He corrects me but not in a way that irritates me like most. He’s not half-bad looking either. To be honest I’ve had a crush on him for a while but, as he keeps reminding me, he is “97% straight,” and even I can’t work with that number. I’ve never told him mind you. Not because he will reject me or treat me any different but because I’m afraid he will. We leave for a road trip to Canada in ten days or so. I can’t wait. I get to see my baby sister as well.
It’s been several years since I’ve seen Zia. I can’t wait. Did I already say that? Perhaps.
Death is an interesting concept. What happens when you die? Depends on who you ask, true, but I want to know for sure. I’ve never truly been suicidal for any reason. I have manic depression sure, but my mission is far from done. I have a nursing degree to get, I have people to help, lives to save, loves to love. I won’t die till that’s done. Hopefully.
Who will tell my story when I’m gone? My children? My siblings? Friends? Nobody? What will I be remembered for? My actions? These words? Who knows…
I have resigned myself to not getting any sleep tonight. At seven I got to get David to pay a fine so this is my outlet, just like last time. Then I have to get my oil changed, meet up with my mother, talk with Carrie, buy a hammock, and so many other errands. Before 4 because that’s when I gotta go into work. David’s basically my brother and even he notices nothing.
What am I doing wrong? If anything.. Something? I feel like it’s something. Perhaps it’s nothing.
Should I use this power for something good? Should I use these words I hope someone will one day read to speak out against corruption, tyranny, apathy, vengeance and the countless other things I disagree with? I don’t know… Perhaps at times. But not right now. Right now I simply want to type and let the words flow.
What that means I have no idea. The human mind is so infinitely complex and has countless thoughts at once it’s hard to keep track, especially mine. And even more especially so when it is 5:48 A.M. That’s when my mind wanders the most…
Do you ever feel like you’ve lost sight of yourself? Of your goals? Your friends? Your ideals and what you love? I don’t. Not yet anyway. But I feel like I am slowly getting there.
I’ve decided to name this document “Last Will and Testament.” Once again whether someone is more likely to open it when given such an obviously dark name or if I genuinely want this to be my legacy is unknown even to me. More than likely it is the former.
Apparently my mood has caused the people I care about to be pushing themselves further away. Which is the exact opposite of what I want. I need companionship and love. Affection and attention. But no. They only move further away instead of seeing my blatant cry. Am I upset by this? No more than I already am by life. This life that I have lived these past few weeks has been simple but I have not been happy as I once thought I would be. I need activity, not repetition and lately that’s what these days have been… Repetition.
Sam, my love, if you’re reading this I want to reiterate that I’m sorry for that night. To date, it’s easily in my top 5 regrets.
It’s almost strange how much I desire love. A deep, real, love. Monogamous or not matters not. I am more than happy to share but if they don’t want to, if any of the four I am in love with came to me right now and said they didn’t want to share but wanted me, I’d take it in a heartbeat. Literally in some instances.
Sam continues to consume my thoughts, but tonight, 7/12/2017, it’s mostly due to because I am lazy. For the last couple of days I have been sleeping in a customized box with lots of pillows and blankets. One of my roommates decided to rearrange and moved my box and I haven’t had time to put it back so I’ve been sleeping in a bed. The problem with this bed is it’s the same one that I shared with Sam for a week. In addition… I confess that when I tell this I understand this may make several people hate me but I promise that even now, I feel shame and sadness at my actions. Sam signed into her Facebook once on my computer and forgot to sign out. So I have been keeping tabs on her that way… The way she talks to Shawn, one of my closest friends… it hurts a lot, but she seems happy. For the most part… Maybe she just like the stability? Maybe she legitimately loves him and I’m just a selfish creeper. All I know is that I am writing this through tears because it needs to be confessed. I truly am sorry to both Sam and Shawn for invading your privacy. Please forgive me. We do stupid and immoral things for love I suppose. I should just log out and end it there… but I can’t bring myself to do so…
My tears drop onto my keyboard as I am writing this because I am so lost yet so found and it’s frustrating as hell. I know who I am. I know who I want to be. What I want to do. But I don’t know what I should do… Should I confess? In person or over text? Should I just email her this document? Dear reader, tell me. What would you do? I am legitimately curious. I want to confess in person but I leave in less than a week for a trip and can’t find a time we’re both free… It’s awful. I really don’t want to confess over text but if that’s what it takes I don’t want to leave without her knowing the truth if possible…
The problem is the people I usually vent to are either too apathetic to notice and I’m too socially awkward to begin the conversation, or too invested in the situation.
This game is pissing me off. The energy system is bullshit but it’s so addicting. It’s called Hentai Heroes. If you’re wondering why I’d be playing a game with such a risque title then you obviously don’t know me that well and should stop reading this document immediately because you’re probably going to read some freaky shit. Unless I’m dead. Then your relationship to me matters not. So consider this the unofficial, possibly too late disclaimer. Proceed at your own risk.
Now, if you’re not wondering why I’d play and be invested in a game with such frustrating mechanics, then you know me too well and probably shouldn’t wait till I’m dead before reading.
Speaking of which the number of people who (that I know of) have read this has reached one. Michael Frazer, I know you’ll probably read this too so please just keep this on the DL.
This was my mistake. I left the document open. Hopefully I won’t be as careless next time. I just leave it open for convenience.
I’m going to Shawn’s new house today for his son Vincent’s birthday. I hear Roxy is pregnant again… that’ll only cause more stress for Sam, who I will also see today. Fuck…
Luckily I’ll have David with me. Hopefully between David and Shawn to keep my attention off Sam and her’s off me, it won’t be that hard. Hopefully. I’ll add more how it goes. Maybe if I remember.
Courtney, if you’re reading this, I have several memories of you that are blazoned in my mind. One is after I took your virginity. We snuck behind a barn. It was hot, messy, and dirty. Unfortunately I am not talking about the sex. And afterwards when you tried to kiss me I pushed you away. I want to try and justify these actions. I was deeply in love with you then. But I was young, dumb, impatient, and thought mainly of sex.
Same for you Gabbi. It wasn’t right how I treated either of you when we were together. I was too obsessed with Sex. I want you to know that by the time of writing this I have changed and would love nothing more than to prove it to you. But Gabbi, you’re engaged to a man who makes you happy. Courtney you’re too depressed and far away from me. I try and start a conversation and it dies despite my feeble verbal CPR. I love you both so much even now. And I am truly deeply sorry for the way I treated you.
I’m Finally back from my visit to Sam, Shawn, and Roxy, in that order. Well, Vincent and Liz fit in there right behind Sam. Unfortunately I did not have David with me so there was no distraction. To add to it, Shawn wasn’t there and Roxy, who is pregnant, went to sleep. So if it was just me, Sam, and the kids. And of course… Like the coward I am… I couldn’t confess to her. I wanted to. So many opportunities to. But nope…
It also doesn’t help that she was wearing a short dress with no panties so I saw her vagina and ass many a time. The when Shawn finally came home it turns out he broke the $3,000+ TV. SO he was very irritable and snapped at both Sam and Roxy several times. Chances are I won’t see Sam before I leave for this trip to Texas… Hopefully I get the chance to tell her how I feel.
Well Sam, welcome. It is 5:57 A.M on 7/17/2017. I finally confessed to you. Your reaction was about exactly what I expected. Yet at the end I told you that you could read this document. I want you to know that I have logged out of your facebook as of writing this and I sincerely hope you forgive me. Even after knowing that you would read this I changed none of it. Everything you have read thus far is pure, unedited, and honest. It came directly from my sleep deprived mind. However I must confess that tonight this whole situation got infinitely more complicated. David confessed to me that he has genuine feelings for you as well. And I know you have them for him as well.
I know for a fact that if he came to you you would choose him over me… And I’m fine with that. I love you Sam. Wholly and completely. You and Liz. However, I also love David. He is my brother. I know my brother like I know my own mind. You will never find someone more honest and open. I will choose his happiness over mine every time. But if you truly choose me, he will accept that as well. The problem is that he would never pursue you because to do so would destroy me. And it would. But if you two are happy with each other, I would prefer that.
Oh, you’ll find this humerous, I took the time to google how to say ‘I love you’ in ASL because I didn’t think I’d be able to confess out loud. Then I dropped the ball. I know how now though so… Hopefully I’ll get to use it again someday. Even more I hope it’ll be returned…
Back to David. I’m too selfish not to discourage him from not pursuing you… But this decision is yours and yours alone. I know you’re still with Shawn as of right now but with everything going on I doubt it’ll continue for much longer… If it does, great! I’ll be happy for you no matter what… But I’m far too selfish not to want you for myself and I’m willing to go to the ends of the earth to prove that I am worth it.
My only concern is distance and time. I love you and I would drive every weekend from hays to meet you. Every. Weekend. Drive. And I hate driving. For several reasons. But the Earth be damned I need to see you and Liz if we’re together. However, I believe that is not enough for you. You desire constant attention. I can give you emotional attention in spades. “Good morning” “Goodnight” (Slight tangent, why is goodnight one word but good morning not? Shrug. Not the point). “I love you.” Countless I love you. I am a very digitally clingy person at times… Constant reassurances that you’re beautiful and why I love you. Endless patience with your mental illness. But I can’t give you constant physical attention. I simply can’t. And given our only indicator in the bedroom, I’m not even confident I can give you physical satisfaction when I am here. But I suppose I haven’t tried at the top of my game… Either way it’s a conundrum and while I’m not opposed to you finding sexual satisfaction elsewhere, I know that I’ll be jealous.
Why am I writing this instead of telling you in person? Especially on a document that I hope will one day be published to the… well… public. Because I am a coward. Plain and simple. I look at you and words fail me. Here in the basement with only hamilton playing and Michael and his League video playing in the background, I feel clear. I feel honest. Open. Bare. If I have enough time All this would spill out my mouth like a waterfall. This document was probably very creepy and cheesy at times… I hope you don’t hate me after you read it but you deserve to know the person whom you are considering. This document is a lot of things but above all else, it is honest. It is 100% true and I wanted to delete several paragraphs before showing you this. But I left it unedited for you. Because I want to be honest. From now on, you know how I feel. I will do everything in my power to show you that I can not only be a great lover to you, but a great father to Liz as well… I’ll fuck up. I have a shitty memory so I’ll say the wrong thing forget a fear you have… seem insensitive at times because I forget or get distracted. I confess I know little about raising a child, except what I’ve seen you all do… But you know what? I will try my damndest to be the best damn partner to you and father to her. Perhaps I am overstepping but I want you to know that if you choose to give me a chance I will devote a hundred percent of my resources and time to you and her, including my affection.
Alright… I think I’ve creeped you out enough for one session…I don’t know how you’ll react to this information. If it will help or hurt my chances. Only one way to find out… So I’ll ask you a question to turn and answer. How do you feel?
Oh boy do I have a story for you dear reader. Buckle up Just like I did cause you’re in for a ride.
Let’s start with Sam. Her answer? Largely apathetic. Which was what I was expecting. Sam doesn’t do well with honest feelings. However today… Something fundamental changed in our relationship. You know what dear reader? I’m gonna be honest. I think God flipped my Damn car.
That sounds ridiculous I know But hear me out… I had just dropped off Sam and Liz, (thank god), I was testing a new route to her house and I took a corner that I wasn’t expecting a little too fast. I flipped my car. Actually no. God did. Everything happened too perfectly. I walked out there with no injuries except a mild headache. A few cuts. I was barely bleeding. Virtually unscathed.
I was rushed to the hospital asked a lot of questions. Sam was the second person at my bedside and she didn’t leave it until I was discharged. My mother was there a lot as well So we couldn’t talk a lot. Well… out loud. I signed her ‘I love you,’ and you know what? She signed back. Same thing. Something fundamental changed in our relationship today. Even in the way we talked after. I think I’m solidly in the running now… I hope.
SAM (Yes this part was written by Sam. You can tell by the grammar.)
I dont really know what to think about eveything happening around me. Lionstar confessed to me i was dumped he flipped his car. Wich was all my fault he was driving distracted because of my response. Somthing to know about me is i dont let people close to me easily i hold them back until i feel like i can trust them. Im also a sex addict so if you view me in harsh light the few times i write here i understand. Today is august 10 and last night i used him to get a fix. I know about his feelings and i know its wrong but im weak and hate being alone. The sad thing is is that i can feel my self latching to him sinve the break up which isnt healthy at all, but like i said im weak. Now before things get out of hand. Ive eplained my predicament with him and i think he understands. The feelings im latching onto right now is the ease he brings me. I feel normal when im with him. But im also latching onto my fear of being alone. You see im 21 but ive never been alone. I hate it and fear it. And i know how easily i get attached but i dont seem to be able to stop myself. I dont want to hurt him but i fear that it is inevitable. You see hes going to college soon and if i know myself ill be able to distance myself from him. Im not stable enough for a relationship and he needs to do some growing. We’re both still kids, and i have a kid. I need to get right with myself. But gods its tempting to let him love me. I know hed never betray me hes still to naive to relise how big his life actually is. I see great things for him and dont want to squash that. I would you now. Id want all of his attention and id hold him back at myside rather than letting him move forward. When i slept with him last night i was very happy and very sad at the same time. I think i cried myself to sleep again. You see after i alow someone into my life im very clingy because what i hate more than being alone is betrayal or abandonment. But its not fair to him he genuinly cares and my feelings are born of fear and desperation. Hes a very kind hearted young man and i dont want to be the one to brea him. Hell probably read this as soon as im done typing and hold me a say all the things that make me feel ggod like how thats not how it is and that its not my fault but i know that it is. You see after his car wreck i felt the over whelming need to keep him near me. I stayed at his side all through the hospital visit and if hedve been in worse condition i would have stayed still. I was so worried i felt like i was drowning when his sister called with the news shawn and i went looking for him and the whole time i was panicky. When i finally saw him i was so relived i wanted to cry. He was ok . i poked at his bruised ribs and he thinks i was mad at him but i was doing it to keep from doing somthing stupid like crawl in next to him. Poor boy he doesnt need me in his life but im weak enough to say that id like him in mine. Maybe after he comes back from college and im settled into a home for myself and liz. But until then i have to be a grown up and not some weak little girl. I can stand on my own and i will. I just really want to lean on him. David wants me for himself and with our past it would maybe work but i dont know i just cant summon the same attachment i once felt for him. I wont do what most do and ask your oppinion because quite frankly i dont care its my life you all can take your opinios and stuff them where itll hurt the most. I want the best for him and myself and liz but everything is so scrambled and confused. Maaybe ill write in here again probably not. This is his sytory i just wanted to put my two cents in. for now im done. I still have so much to say but im still sorting it out myself so for a short meesage to him.
Im so sorry. You dont deserve any of this what happened last night was wonderful you need some polishing but it was nice. Im not ashamed of you but of myself and im so so sorry. Please know that i do care and id be more than willing to say those words for you but thats not fair to you. To feed you my toxicity isnt right so maybe when everything is settled maybe if you still feel this way maybe we could try but for now please forgive me for useing you.
Well… It has been quite a long time since I’ve written anything. Several weeks in fact. A lot has happened since then and I’m sure you’re eager to hear my response to the previous entry made by the infamous Sam. Well that’ll just have to wait. Why, you ask? Because I’m a sadist. Patience is a virtue dear reader.
The day after my wreck I left Kansas for Texas to see my family including my baby sister Zia Bella. She has gotten so big… I remember when she had short brown hair and crawled around on four appendages. Now she has long blonde hair and can hold a conversation with me of all people. The second night there my leg hurt so bad… I couldn’t move much of my body without almost crying. My father took me to the hospital for no reason it turns out. I asked him to take me though. I just wanted it to stop. Which it did the next night. Of course… The rest of my family is doing well as usual. I got back three days later and left for my road trip with cameron the next morning. That, dear reader, is where the true story begins.
Our first stop is denver so Cameron can see a girl from camp we both know whom he was in love with. We stay the night with her grandparents but first we go eat dinner with her and her two sisters. As I finish my order I get a call from David asking me to stop him from beating Tristan’s ass. I give a deep sigh. It’s my first night away from them and things have already gone to hell without me.
David tells me that Shawn and Roxy have broken up with and kicked out Sam. Not only that, he says that Tristan was told by Maggie, his new roommate that she couldn’t stay with them, essentially leaving Sam and Liz alone. This begins to infuriate me as well but it doesn’t sound like Tristan. So I call him and get the record straight.There was a lot of miscommunications and struggles that frankly aren’t mine to share. The point is, by the end of the night when Cameron and Olivia retired to their shared tent and I was banished to a hammock, everybody was angry. Shawn at Lexi and David, Sam at me (or so I thought) and david and David at himself. Lexi at Shawn and Roxy, and me at myself for not being there. If I wasn’t with Cameron I would have driven all night to make sure that Sam was safe.
The next morning I told myself that I cannot afford to get involved. I needed this trip and so I avoided the situation as much as possible. We leave colorado after an amazing breakfast from Olivia’s grandparents. There were heart-shaped waffles. Be jealous. After a long goodbye between Olivia and Cameron, we make our way toward Las Vegas. We stop for a night in Utah.
I want to take a moment to tell you all that this planet is fucking gorgeous. The mountains, deserts, plains, forests, all of it. God I fucking love this place. I will do everything in my power to protect it.
Anyways, we stay at a motel which is less than ideal. We would have preferred camping but it wasn’t in the cards… unfortunately. The next morning we get up early after getting some bomb ass tacos from a taco truck giving us a chance to practice our spanish. We roll into Vegas mid-day and we first get myself some motrin cause my leg is still killing me a bit and we plan on walking the Strip. But first we need sustenance. So we hit up a Denny’s and split a breakfast. Not bad prices. Then we walk, bullshit and catch pokemon. We see a Spider-Man cosplay which was great. Cameron wouldn’t let me enter any strip clubs though. Something about money… We also saw that Gold and Silver Pawn Shop. You know, the one from Pawn Stars? Honestly, wasn’t impressed. Honestly, I’m not impressed with pawn shows… I hope that one day hundreds of years this book will join the ranks of books like Catcher in the Rye and it’s original prints will be super expensive, somebody tries to pawn it on a pawn shop TV show and they say no because of this paragraph. That would be amazing.
Anyway, L.A. was hot and the ocean was fun. Unfortunately I suck at not being knocked over and so I had salt in like every orifice. Phoenix was even hotter. My family can be really overbearing at times… I don’t want my readers to think bad about them because they really are good people and only want what’s best for me because they love me… But what I want is to make a difference in the world. What they want is for me to go to college. What they don’t understand is that if I could volunteer my time helping the homeless for ever here in Salina I would if they would provide my essentials… But I can’t because there is no such program. So I am going to college.
I’m really salty I didn’t get an Articuno in Pokemon Go as they were only available for a limited time.
Finally we get to the good stuff. So I get back into the great state of Kansas and Lexi is already crying. Probably best to explain, Lexi is a good friend of mine who has been with another good friend of mine for a long time. But they are very toxic for each other and I’ve been trying to split them up for a while. Occasionally they’ll get better and I’ll stop but it never lasts for very long.
Lexi asks me if she can stay at my house for the night because she needs a night out and I agree. I buy some alcohol and weed to help us relax. We drink and smoke and fool around but that’s as far as it goes. As much as I want to have sex with her, I don’t because she asked me not to while she was sober. And a drunk Lexi is a very horny Lexi.
Come to find out she lied to Nate, her boyfriend, about her whereabouts so he thinks something did happen. That was a long day. Maggie and Tristan, my Temporary roommates, all reassure her that she needs to leave the toxic situation and she stays overnight with us. The day after that I hear that Sam will be in town for a few days… and that she is staying at David’s.
Here we go. This is what you’ve been waiting for isn’t it? You want me to talk about Sam don’t you? Well you’re in luck because I want to talk about her. While on my road trip I listened to the soundtrack of Hamilton on repeat for a while. If you need context, listen to the song Satisfied and you’ll understand why I did what I did.
I’m going to college for a long while and I won’t be back often. I love Sam with all my heart that I can give. But I acknowledge that I can’t love her right now the way she needs. So I told David that I was stepping down from her affections… Things didn’t quite work out that way.
Sam stays a night at David’s. Come to find out she’s in heat and wants sex constantly. If you remember dear readers, the last time I had sex with Sam it wasn’t great. But I’ve been practicing. My count is actually up to 10 people now since I started this project. I am determined to try again. So I tell her I will and she agrees to give me another chance. I get back from shopping with Danori, very long story there, and Lexi to find Sam on the couch laying atop Michael. It was just her feet but still…
Allow me to try and explain a thing. You see, I am a polyamorous creature. Because I love humanity, I want to date and by extent sleep with everyone. I want to hold everyone’s hand. I want to take everyone on dates. I think everyone’s beautiful. Yes you dear reader, no matter your age, gender, defects, body, etc. remember this. I would date you. At least… Normally I would.
When Sam walks in the room all I can see, all I can hear, all I want… is her. Suddenly everyone else is not important to me. I only want her to be mine and mine alone. But I can’t have that… not yet.
So we hang out for a while and she continues to lay on Michael much to my discomfort. It’s just the way she is and she doesn’t even realize she’s doing it to me. At least… I don’t think she did. Eventually Tristan and Maggie go to work so it’s just me, Michael, Lexi, Sam, Liz. Sam has stopped laying on him but only because of various other reasons. Sam goes outside after letting Liz cry it out so she can go to bed. I follow her because I want to be close to her.
I should probably explain that before I saw Sam, I thought I could step down… David I’m sorry… But I couldn’t. I looked into those moss green eyes and I lose my goddamned mind. I want this woman so bad. Not even a sexual need, though that is there as well at this point, but just a desire to be a part of her life and to earn her loyalty… Then she starts talking and it only makes things worse.
There is a guy who goes to the arena known as Cub. And dear readers, I’m sure you know by now that I don’t hate people often… But I hate him. I really do. Ever since I was young he has been nothing but mean to me. Not even a teasing mean like Shawn, Sam and David. Just a straight up, asshole. He constantly tells me my decks suck and that I’ll never be a good magic player. He’s always telling me how bad I am at Super Smash Bros. He constantly puts me down and tries to make me feel like shit… I can’t stand him… Plus Sam has been talking to him.
The other day, Sam took my phone to go Pokemon Hunting while I was watching Liz and she left me hers. Cub sent her a message while I had it and my curiosity got the better of me. I started scrolling. Dear readers let me explain to you something. That was a very, very, very bad idea. I’ll spare you the details because I don’t want to relive it. But this just makes me more hateful of him. Because he only wants to fuck her and only because she’s a hot woman. He does the same thing to all my other hot female friends to, like Danori. His brother too, but to a much less extent as he is married. My chest is tightening as I’m even writing this because it fills me with such anger and jealousy. But it also fills me with sadness… She’s with all these people who don’t appreciate her. People who don’t care about her wellbeing and only want to get their dick wet… It’s frustrating as hell and I hate that I feel this way, even when I know I have no right.
We go out for a long walk her first night and we finally get all our emotions in the open. We both agree that neither of us are ready right now for a relationship which I agree with reluctantly. I am only 18. Liz needs a father and she needs someone more mature in her life. I’m not that man. Not yet. But you can be damn sure I will be. Here is what I did not consider dear reader.
When I decided to step down it was because David could provide for her much better than I ever could in the near future, physically, emotionally, and financially. What I did not consider, was that Sam did not need providing for. Sam is a strong woman and goddamn if that’s not one of the biggest reasons I love her. She is going to make it on her own. For herself and more importantly for Liz.
When we get back, David is there, throwing dice as usual. Sam and I sit on the couch and my character isn’t there right now so entertain myself by showing Sam the dank memes I have on my phone. Without realizing it I set my hand on her thigh. This sets David off and leads me to chasing him down Claflin. He starts screaming at me. I’m almost in tears by this point. Sam is having an attack because of it. I don’t want to hurt him. Eventually I calm him down. But Sam is still rocking back and forth when I get back… Eventually we all get calmed down and David and Sam have a talk. Then I join them
Sam and David, and by extent Liz and Haemish, are the two most important people in my life and I don’t want to lose either of them. But I feel like I might…
The next morning I wake up and Sam is writing on this document. When she’s done she makes me read it. My heart floods with joy and emotion at hearing her words sing in my ears with my mental voice. It fills me with hope and love and emotion. But I also have to reassure her. I love her so much and I can’t bear to see her like this.
I hold her close and whisper in her ear how much I care about her and how she can always lean on me. Then my phone buzzes. Lexi gets anxiety easy so usually needs a shopping partner. Sam goes with us for the pokemon hunting. We drop Sam off but Lexi needs help with putting the groceries away.
GADDAMNIT TRISTAN AND MAGGIE I’M TRYING TO BARE MY SOUL AND YOUR NEXT ROOM FUCKING IS VERY DISTRACTING!!!!
Anyway.. I watch a comedy special because Lexi asks me to. When I get home Sam asks to walk with me to get a pokemon near the house. As we walk she makes a comment about Michael’s cock. And let me tell you, we don’t call him Michael Horse-Cock for no reason. But then it hits me what she just said and my chest tightens around my heart. My throat goes dry. My feet become as heavy as lead. She doesn’t even realize how deep those words have cut me.
Dear reader have you ever heard the phrase ignorance is bliss? Well let me tell you. Ignorance is fucking nirvanic. I want to close my ears and pretend I didn’t just hear that. I want to go into denial. But I laugh and play along. Then I tell her that her words hurt, but I underplay how much, but I would rather know than not know. Because as she tells me she just wants to keep me in the know.
But I don’t. I don’t want to know what twelve-inch dick she’s taken. I don’t want to hear about her first black dick. I don’t want to hear that she’s going to try and get more notches on her belt. I. Don’t. Want. To. Know…. It’s difficult to describe the emotion that runs through me when she talks about sex with another. We take a BDSM kink test and one of the questions asks something along the lines of “If you couldn’t satisfy your partner you would want them to find satisfaction elsewhere,” At first I clicked absolutely agree. But now… I would click absolutely disagree.
I don’t know if I should hold her closer, cry, or just bend her over right there. I like to think if I can just show her that I’m all she needs she wouldn’t go anywhere or to anyone else. But I know I can’t do that… I can never be all she needs physically. Not until she gives me the loyalty I desperately crave.
Something in the back of my mind tells me that it is within my power to get her to be mine right now. In her entry she made mention that she was tempted. If I played my cards right, pushed the right pressure spots, begged, got her when she let her guard down, she could be mine right now. But… she wouldn’t be… not really. That would be a relationship born out of desperation, fear, and loneliness. I don’t want that… I want her to myself. I want her to have me to herself… But I want her to love me for me. Not to love me simply because I’m here. SO in the meantime, she is going to have a lot of sex with a lot of people. And it brings me to tears to even type that sentence. But it is the truth dear reader. I don’t exaggerate when I say I want to throw up and cry at that fact. But I’m doing it for her. I want to believe that I can do the same that I wish of her and remain celibate while I’m in college but I make no illusions. If I saw her every day, easily I could. When I see her I want nobody else for days on end. Hell, even when we talk over Facebook I still don’t want anybody else.
But I won’t. I know it. Nor will she. I wonder if it hurts her as much as it does me to hear these words. Shrug. Perhaps. I have so much more I could say about the situation but I have to go… this will have to do for now.
It occurs to me as I’m walking the many faults I have as a potential partner. For one I have constantly been on the verge of tears since Sam left last night and almost nothing, not even a successful Zapdos capture could break me out of it. My mother yelled at me for my feelings for her. I am an emotionally weak person. I carry the weight of The world on my shoulders. I believe I have to fix everything and everyone because nobody else will. I am burdened by the knowledge I am given. I constantly deny my feelings for the sake of others.
Not only that but I am very clingy and paranoid. I don’t know why but I stare at my phone for almost hours after sending a message waiting for a reply. I know people are busy and not always on their phone but my mind tells me it’s because I’m too overbearing. Like today. I just spend three full days with Sam and I can’t wait to spend another night. But she seems so apathetic to the night I’m paranoid she’s only doing It to sate me and not because she actually enjoys my company. I am in constant need of validation. I grew up thinking I wasn’t good enough as I was told by my peers and family. So I created a false ego. But I crave attention and praise. I want her to tell me everyday she cares about me. I want to hear what I’m doing right. I want to be told I’m cute or handsome. I want validation and praise… Because I never receive it…
The more I message her about tonight the more scared I get that I’m pushing her away with my affection.
Then there’s the whole situation with my boss Daniel. Well… ex-boss technically. He was hitting on Sam and sexualizing her. And she was doing it back! To be fair she also was largely apathetic to his advances and just played along. But she sent him nudes and that makes me more than a little bit… of whatever this emotion is. Sadness? Anger? Jealousy? All of the above? None of the above? I just know it hurts. I find myself irrationally hating him and he’s done nothing but flirt with a single woman as single men do. I don’t know I just do feel this way and I can’t shake it.
The date is 8/14/2017. Hamilton continues to play in the background.
Dear readers, today was a long day. I woke up this morning and realized Sam was not next to me. We went to Wichita to see who was basically my step-father and I was depressed the whole day. I just wanted to be home. We went to church to see him. The pastor talked about the Nazi march in Charlottesville. If you need to know, ask Google. I was reminded of the Mission that I was slowly forgetting. That I have a responsibility to help the world. I was so focused I thought Sam and Liz were my world. And they are. But they aren’t my only world. I still have a mission.
But I started to pray. I hadn’t yet realized that I had realized my Mission again yet so I began to pray for selfish things. Namely I prayed to get into a car accident. Why? Because I knew that Sam would be by my side again. It was stupid. And I hate myself for it. When I got home, my mother and I took a nap and I cried myself to sleep. I am awoken by a ding of Messenger. Sam needs me to bring me her I.D. Unfortunately I left it in Salina… But come to find out Roxy had kicked her out. She needed my help and I wanted to give it to her. So I took my mom’s car there. I went for two reasons. To help her, and to find closure. And I achieved both.
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I’ve heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
Emily Dickinson, 1861(ish)
Dear readers I am strong. Am I writing that to convince you or myself? I don’t know. I just know that I am.
I’ve developed a new life motto. “It will be okay. It’ll just suck in the meantime.” Sam is still a cause of pain in my life, but her and Liz are both a source of motivation as well. I finally have my financial aid settled and am now able to attend college. When I do I will be going for both the Mission and Sam and Liz. They both mean so much to me… I hope that she’s available when I return but I know how unlikely that is. My only hope and saving grace is that it takes her a while to grow close to someone. If she does find someone, I hope that they will love her like I do. That he will hold her when she’s scared. That he’ll smile as large as I do when she catches a new Pokemon.
College will make me a better person. Sam and Liz will make me a better person. I will make myself a better person. I will be the lover that Sam deserves and the father that Liz needs. This summer has been the eye of the Hurricane. I opened my computer and wrote my deliverance.
To all my readers, if you’re ever looking for advice, go watch some Vlogbrothers. I promise they will help. They have helped me countless times.
I have decided to divide up my Eevee bracelets to the people who mean the most to me right now. Sam has Umbreon, the darkest and most mysterious of my friends. And my lowkey favorite design wise. Cameron took Espeon, easily the smartest of my friends. I gave Sylveon to Maggie, a fairy in her own right, she too requires love to grow into the evolution I know she can be. Tristan has Jolteon as his presence is like electricity, everything from a large bolt to a dull shock. Michael has Flareon for his passion for everything burns bright as the sun. Being in the ocean gave me a new appreciation for the water. David gets Vaporeon. On the surface the water may seem smooth but underneath there is a current that will drag you under. And when a wave rears up, you better watch out. Lexi get’s Leafeon for just like plants, she can be as flexible as a dandelion or as solid as an oak. Finally Nate gets Glaceon. He may seem cold and hard on the surface but below he is actually soft and easily melted. He just needs a lot of support to be viable, much like Glaceon.
Well… today was my first day at college. And god was it stressful. It was pretty non-stop from the moment we woke up late. The only highlight of my day was the role-playing with Sam. But even that was met with a bittersweet taste.. Sam isn’t a talker and I know that… But I just wish she would talk to me about what’s ailing her. I just want her to trust me enough. I think she does, she’s just scared. Something like that… I haven’t heard any news about how her medicine is helping her or how Liz is doing.
Oh, but Sam, yesterday when we went Pokemon hunting, said, “Since you’re so hellbent on it, you can bear the brunt of parenthood today,” and made me carry around Liz and all her stuff. God that made me so happy. It was heavy, and I had to readjust a lot but my god was I happy. I hope one day I can do that full-time.
I’ve already stayed up too late playing Pokemon Colosseum. I need sleep.
So I just finished the first episode of Thirteen Reasons Why. If you haven’t seen it… Well… I’ll hold off on the recommendations for now. I’ve seen a lot of evidence that it is directly responsible for a multitude of suicides. But… I kinda get it. This document is my legacy just like those tapes were hers. Hopefully I won’t die of suicide but if I do, I will be sure to leave an entry. I’m not currently suicidal but… I am at college now… Things can change.
Speaking of change, I just picked up a job application! For the day care, a five minute walk from my dorm. One of the things I need to do while I’m here is to prepare myself for fatherhood should Sam and I get together.
It occurs to me here, on August 19, 2017, 29 pages in, with Times New Roman 12 point font (fuck Calibri 11), that I have neglected basic information in my life. But honestly, I don’t want to give basic information. Hopefully someone close to me in my life will write a foreword explaining these thing. Put footnotes and cliff notes (again, why is footnotes one word but cliff notes two!? Damn you english language!). Maybe my spouse or my child. Christopher Tolkien wrote the foreword of a lot of his father’s books and if I can ever be anything like John Ronald Reuel Tolkien, I will rest at peace.
“If there’s a reason I’m by her side when so many have tried then I’m willing to wait for it… I’m willing to wait for it.”
Today in psychology we discussed several things, including how Freud once cured a woman of hysteria simply by letting the woman talk to him about it. Countless scientific studies have validated this idea that simply talking to someone about your problems will help. Last night Sam and I were talking on the phone. There was some serious discussion mind you, but for the most part we were laughing and having a great time.
Then she says she will call me back. Something changes in her tone and I know something is wrong but I figured we would talk about it when she got back… She got a message from Justin, Elizabeth’s father. Words can’t express my distaste for the man. For his apparent apathy toward his own child, for what he has done to Sam and the way he treated her the one time I met him. I would be willing to be civil to him for Liz’s sake if the need should arise but right now I can’t muster much but disgust for him. I don’t know what he said but whatever it was seemed to break Sam further. She didn’t call me back and I was so worried that I couldn’t sleep until much later. This morning she seemed off. She didn’t want to talk about it, not even to complain about him. She didn’t even want to role-play… Maybe tonight she’ll tell me but maybe not. I confess I have a sort of morbid curiosity to know what words one like him could possibly say to send Sam into that kind of stupor.
Today is August 26, 2017, the day after my first full week of classes end. And I am more than a bit conflicted. When I started this project I wanted to write about whatever I thought about. At the time that was mostly Sam and to a point, still is. I don’t have a whole lot going on in my life because I mostly just sit in my room, watch videos and play video games all day. I want this to be my story but at the same time I don’t want those who read it to think that my life is only about Sam and Liz. That’s just where most of the events and my thoughts are at the moment. This Journal helps me in ways unexplainable by me yet, give me a few more weeks in psyche. I write down my problems and they seem to lessen. And for now, Sam is the cause of most of my problems. Not through any fault of her own… Well… not entirely. But by my own incompetence.
She’s lonely… I know she is. As I am writing this she is spending the day with Shawn and I know that she is hurting and enjoying herself the entire day. She still loves Shawn and I know that. I don’t begrudge him that. But I would obviously be lying if I didn’t say I wish I was there instead. She’s lonely because she doesn’t want to and doesn’t really have anyone to latch onto. I could have had her for a time and she says she would have been happy and maybe that would have been the case. I would have been too, just to know I keep my eyes in her life. But I didn’t seize the opportunity.
So now I’m stuck in this Limbo. I know that I can’t be there for her physically. And Sam is a very physical person. As much as it would pain me, as much as it would tear my soul asunder I would be willing to let her seek physical comfort elsewhere when I cannot. I know that she wouldn’t because she’s amazing and loyal like that, but I would still let her know the option is there. But what I can do for her is be there emotionally. Every second not in class or at events, I’m on the phone with her. I try to be now. And if we were together then I can finally do all the things I can’t now. I already tell her I love her at the end of the conversations we have and whatnot but there would be so much more. I would do everything in my power to make sure that the distance between us would grow smaller with every call.
Every night I look forward to seeing her face, watching her interact with Liz and seeing Liz being the adorable baby she is, talking to her about Scotty and Pan, and god knows what else, then staying with her till she falls asleep. Those nights were amazing and I would do anything to have them back… Hopefully tonight I will. But she’s so broken… fundamentally. She knows it and I know it. And until she lets me, and even then I’m not sure, there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it… And that’s frustrating. So I drown myself in distractions. In the last three days I have successfully beaten Pokemon Yellow’s Elite Four and am now well on my way to completing the pokedex. I stay up into all hours of the morning distracting myself with David and Hearthstone then sleep well past noon. Today I slept till three in the afternoon. This isn’t healthy and I know it but I don’t know what to do. Anytime I don’t have a constant distraction I start to sink deeper into depression. I can’t afford treatment for it so I have to self-medicate through diversions.
Sam and I are both deeply scarred people. And for every different reasons. And I won’t even begin to try and equate my pain to hers because I know it isn’t even close. But I still think that we could grow together. That if we were just to surrender to each other completely, even without romantic attachment, we could grow into something powerful. For I must admit, even I have my reservations. Things that I haven’t told Sam out of fear of how she’d take it. Things that I don’t even know are character flaws because I don’t have much to compare to. Things, basic info that I was never taught how to do simply for lack of a tutor or similar aspects. Like shaving. I have no idea how to use a razor and shaving cream. Not a clue. And that leads me to looking very scruffy and unkempt. My dental habits aren’t the best due to a laziness that I am working on and getting better with. My personal hygiene is awful because of the low standards I keep for myself. However, when I am with someone who keeps me on track I do keep up on these things.
Sometimes I wonder if what I’m doing is enough. Not just for Sam and Liz, but for the world.
It occurs to me that for someone not accustomed to my mannerisms and personality, this whole thing seems very… creepy? Overbearing? Obsessive? Kinda serial killer-y? Whatever. There is something you must understand. I don’t do anything or anyone casually. Either I’m completely disinterested in it and nothing can get me to it, or I give it all my time, attention, and skill. There is no grey area. With shows it takes the form of binge watching. When I start a good show, I cannot stop watching it, or watch anything else until I finish it. Same with reading books and playing video games. And with people it’s slightly different. If I decide you are worth it to me to invest my time, you have all of my time. And unfortunately, that’s most people. Not only do they have it, but I frequently try too hard to give it to them. I love my friends, and when I want to hang out with them, I do so obsessively. I don’t mean to send five texts… I don’t mean to send another one five minutes after the first asking why they haven’t responded. It’s almost like when I want to do or see someone or something, time speeds up to me. I check my phone after a text thinking it’s been an hour yet it has only been five minutes. This overbearingness has led me to lose friendships in the past with people who did not understand that fact… I’m scared that I’m going to lose others as well. Especially here in college in a new environment. The people here don’t know me… have no precursor to my personality. Who am I? Am I forever doomed to spend the first several months of a new relationship explaining this fact to people?
Olivia Grosbach just left my room. I didn’t know if I’ve mentioned her before here and I’m too lazy to look back. She’s the woman that Cameron is in love with and who I share a building with. She’s cute enough. A bit petite and small for my tastes but I can’t deny that she’s objectively attractive. However she was telling me about her misadventures here on campus. She’s been drinking practically every night since she got here and I’m reasonably sure that she’s sleeping with several guys as well. I’m invested in her well being and I’m worried about her.
I promised Cameron that I would look after Olivia with the same ferocity and vigor that I would look after Sam and Liz. However I can’t seem like I disapprove of her actions and for the most part thus far I don’t. I of all people know how good sexual promiscuity feels and how good drinking can make a person feel. But it’s a slippery slope and she’s a damaged person too. She knows I am here for her and I’m confident that she’ll come to me if need be. I just worry too much.
See? It’s not just Sam and Liz. I worry about everyone that I care about with the same intensity.
I’m so close to completing my first pokedex. I can feel it. I just need the weekend… It’s not going to be easy but it’ll be worth it.
I’m reasonably sure that I can no longer write on this document without Hamilton playing in the background. Only time will tell I suppose.
She’s so goddamned beautiful! Why? Why is she so beautiful? Why hath the gods wrought this punishment on me. I can look but I can’t touch. Not right now anyway. We resumed our video chats tonight and she tried out different hairstyles and my god is she so gorgeous! And then we had a bit of fun. According to Doctor Doe, mutual masturbation via webcam is a key to a healthy long distance sex life. Not that we have any reason to need to maintain one now but still… it’s nice to know that we can should we need to.
However before I could get off Elizabeth woke up and interrupted us. I honestly expected to be more upset. Even now, four hours after that, I still haven’t finished though I will soon. I suppose it’s because I realized early on that an interrupted sex life would be one of the things I would have to get used to as a father. This is just a minor version of that I suppose. At least I didn’t have to go try and calm a screaming baby with a hard on.
I realize that this is probably the crudest I’ve been but you must understand that I am a blunt person in matters like these. I have no shame of my actions in the bedroom and choose to share them. If you do not yourself then I don’t begrudge you that. However understand that I will not equivocate on my opinion. It’s only going to get worse from here so buckle up folks.
Nevertheless, Tonight was very different from our usual video chats. It was more flirty. More… romantic almost. She once told me that she gave Shawn resting bitch face the first time she was having sex and tonight she showed me that face. She was using it as a demonstration but I recognized it as a face she made several times throughout the night. It was the face she made as she was falling in love with Shawn. Maybe my brain was desperate for signs, but I could have sworn she was making it at me…. Perhaps not though.
I still worry about her. She’s not taking her medication. She says there is no point but I have my reservations. I’m very conflicted. Because when she takes her medication she’s in bed by eight which means little time on the phone with her. But it seems to make her happy so I want her to take it nonetheless. But I also want to trust that she knows what’s best for her. I suppose only time will tell. Admittedly tonight was actually the second time that she has said she’ll call me back and hasn’t. However this time it was bittersweet. It’s almost three in the morning and she’s been on the phone with David since 11:30. Objectively I don’t mind. I know that they are both laughing and bullshitting. David said that he has steeled his heart off to his affections for Sam but I don’t believe it. No human being could be that callous, least of all someone with a bleeding heart like him. I really wanted to talk to Sam more tonight and I have felt the jealousy creeping up in me but I fought it down. After this passage I’m going to bed. I will talk to Sam tomorrow. In the meantime, I’m happy to give them what little time they have… Goodnight dear readers. Put this down and go sleep. I don’t care what you’re doing or what time it is. Go take a nap or go to bed. You’ve earned it. I’ll be here for you tomorrow. Hopefully.
It.. has been quite some time since I’ve added here. Almost three months in fact. Today is October 11th, 2017. My last update was August 29th. Since then my life has steadily been going downhill before it finally crashed in a blaze of fire. I am miserable here at college. I am away from everything and everyone I’ve ever known, surrounded in an unfamiliar environment, forced to self-motivate… My only saving grace was Sam. It was the reason I went to class. It was the reason I went to work out every day. The reason I ate. The reason I did anything. At night when I talked to her, saw her laugh, watched her play with Liz, talked about everything under the sun, they filled me with more genuine happiness than I have felt in a very long time. And now.. Those nights are gone. Be warned dear reader. The next words I type will be typed out of anger, sadness, and pain so their meaning, while hyperbolized, will be 100% true.
This weekend I went to Salina. And I went there with the sole intention of dropping out of college. I was gonna ask Sam on a date, ask her to be my girlfriend, and never look back. Be hers. Have her be mine… Only to find out she found another. Yes, dear reader it is true, she chose David, my brother over me. I don’t blame her… he’s everything I’m not. Strong, dominant, a real alpha… but more than anything else he is there. And I am here…
While I was there she had a panic attack and I was powerless to help… David can… I hate this… I hate the way I feel right now. I haven’t been to class in a week… I came dangerously close to committing sexual assault on Olivia because I simply don’t care anymore… I’m playing a dangerous game here because I sent the link to this document to Sam and she can access it anytime she wants. I don’t think she will but perhaps there is a chance. I love David and Sam both but I hate the way they make me feel. I feel so bitter at the fact that she feels so at ease around him. I know that Sam cares for me as a friend. I know that I am in her circle and therefore her loyalty. But it’s her love I want! I want her to see that I would go to any lengths for her. I want her to see that I would never leave her. I want her to see that she could cheat on me every second of every day and I would stay by her side. That I would take a thousand navy taps, a hundred kidney shots, any number of sternum punches, just to hold her goddamned hand. I want her to see that I am willing to drop everything right now and I would be happy! Forever. People always tell me I would regret this decision. Regret not going to college. Regret not being “successful.” But I wouldn’t. Not if I had her by my side. Not if Liz could call me “dad.”
David referred to himself as her dad last weekend. Even worse he called me “Uncle Lionstar”.... After prepping for so long to hear myself in the position he now possess that I covet so much, hearing that demotion shattered my heart over and over again. I hate this. I hate them… I want to leave. To turn my back on them and leave. Never look back. But I can’t. I love Sam and David too much for that. And I would be lying if I didn’t say I hoped their relationship crashed and burned. I know that it would break them both but nevertheless I can’t deny a sick pleasure in that idea. I would have Sam, after a long painful session of heartache, and I could still be friends with David, though he will face the same pain I am now. Even now it’s taking everything I have not to try and break them. It took everything I had not to try and break them while I was there.
And I could…. I could destroy them. I could never get Sam to leave David, but I could get David to leave Sam or better, or maybe worse? I don’t know, I could make them miserable in their relationship. I know enough about both of them to destroy them as individuals and Could make them actually hate themselves and by extent each other. And I want to… oh god I do… I want to destroy them. To burn them. To make them suffer for the pain I have caused!
But… I can’t… I love them too much… but I simply hate myself for thinking such thoughts… I want to cry… I have cried. A lot. I have entered into two panic attacks and I’ve been too scared to call Sam out of fear of how she’d respond. She already feels bad enough about how I feel… about how this relationship makes me feel. In all honesty, reading her this might be one of the things I could do to make her so miserable. I hope that if she reads this now, she will not be sad, or broken as I am, but will instead be filled with anger and yell at me for being so selfish. As much as I want her to suffer, I want them to be happy more…
They only way they can be happy is if I move on… but I don’t know how to move on… I simply don’t. I want to… but I can’t. I’ve immersed myself in my games and have tried to shut my brain off. I got barely drunk monday night and that was amazing but it was only a temporary fix. One that I so desperately crave again. I’ve drank before, but this is the first time I drank to forget. And unfortunately I didn’t have enough to do that but still it felt so damn good. I want to do it again. I want to drink… to get drunk… to forget… I understandably think that if I had alcohol here right now, I would drink the contents of the bottle. I can hold my liquor well and I make sure. I don’t overdo it usually but now I want to. I shudder to think what might happen if I had stronger substances at my disposal. I’m particularly scared about that fact, luckily I’m broke and since I’ve never tried any stronger substances, I don’t have the strong urge to try it. Thank god for small favors eh? I sincerely hope that these next few entries will not be my last. Though… I fear they will be.
I could never do it with a knife or a gun. I hate pain too much. I couldn’t wield the blade or pull the trigger. Nor could I hang myself. Too much time to rethink. Could never do it. But I want to. Overdose. That’d be the way I’d go. I don’t want to die… not… per se. I want to numb. To forget. I want to sleep and never wake up. I want to simply.. Cease to exist. But… I’ve lost friends to that. I couldn’t do that to my family and my friends. I love them too much. But I simply don’t know what to do except hope that something or someone comes along and fixes me… Cause I feel like I’m too broken to do it myself.
Things just keep getting more and more complicated. Sam cheated on David… Again. The first was… understandable. Well… as understandable as something like that can be. It was for closure with Shawn. This time though… there was no excuse. I don’t want to blame Shawn. I want to blame Sam. She’s the one in a relationship. Not him… Well… at least… not in an exclusive one at any rate. But he is the one who whipped her up into a horny haze. I don’t know how much justification that gives her, if any. I can’t talk to her about it. David asked me not to.
For once I was able to talk to David as a brother again. I don’t want to see him go down the same path as he did with Ana. I confess that hearing that news filled me with equal parts rage and elation. I know that what she did pushes him one step closer to being out that door. And once he leaves… after a substantial time… I can enter. Does that make me a bad person?
What am I saying… of course it does. But it is what it is. I love both Sam and David and… if I wanted to I could have them both. Even now. There is a good chance I could get Shawn to do it again. At least push her enough to break David. I could do it without anybody knowing. But i’ve never been a cheater. That wouldn’t be winning. It would be manipulating the game to my advantage and that’s not who I am. I may be many things but I will not break the people I love. Not for my own benefit.
Today is the day before I leave for thanksgiving break and so much has happened… Perhaps most importantly, David left Sam… However that’s not the most pressing thing. What is, is that Courtney, my third love, is sleeping currently less than five feet away from me as I type this. Here in my dorm room at Hays. Why? I could not tell you dear reader. I simply know that it is true and count my blessings that it is. I fear if I ask too many questions she will vanish and it will be revealed she is only an apparition of my imagination. You don’t know about Courtney so let me take some time to explain…
Lust.
At first, that’s all that it was. Or at least, that’s what I believed. But what happened the nights of January 16th and 17th of 2014 would forever change my life forever. For the better or worst remains to be seen.
I suppose I should start from the beginning. My first memory of her was during my seventh grade year, her eight grade year. It was basketball practice and we were playing against each other. All I remember was she hated me. No idea why. All I remember is that every time she looked at me it was with malice. Then, everything changed my freshman year.
I walk into the classroom ready for my first day of my favorite class. I immediately lock eyes with her and I instantly knew something was different. Her eyes were kinder. Gentler. But there were secrets to them I just knew I had to unlock. But that could wait. Step one was making friends with her. That was easy enough. We began with a common interest in a certain rap artist and our similarities took off from there. In addition it didn’t hurt that her friends were also my friends. We slowly grew closer and closer and one day I went to the supermarket, where she worked, with my mom. We chatted for a bit and my mom gave me a knowing smile. When we left she nudged me and told me I should ask her out. I immediately laughed and brushed it off but the comment sparked something nonetheless. A slow burning flame that would erupt more violently and more passionately than I could have ever predicted.
The next day I was filled with jealousy as my best friend announced his mock engagement to her. It was all in fun and while I knew he had minor feelings for her I knew nothing could come of it. I found myself laughing along but it was empty. As with most of the time when I laughed nobody noticed. Most of the time I bid my time, slowly dropping hints at my affection that she neglected to pick up on. At this point and time my friend had all but given up on her, noticing my infatuation with the brunette beauty.
Then my moment came. The winter formal. I had of course every intention of asking her. I even did it incredibly clever, I thought. I acted all shy told her there was something I had to do. Naturally she fell for it. Hook, line and sinker. “What?”
“Ask you to winter formal of course,” I said with a grin. As expected she laughed. Then she saw my face. She realized I was serious. Unfortunately she had other plans and was going with friends. I was upset, but not heart broken. I had expected as much. Winter formal passed and I danced with her once. It wasn’t exactly magical but I felt something. The pain of my last breakup was still fresh so I wasn’t looking for anything long-term.
Then winter break came. I tried to be casual but to no avail. I made it abundantly known that I was interested in her. Or at least I thought I did. But apparently not… We continued to play flirt for a week or two before winter break came. Over the break we talked a lot and I became more and more convinced of my feelings for her. When I got back into town I finally gathered the courage to ask her out. I walked into the Food Mart ready to ask her. But alas, she had already been asked out by another. Another I hated no less. I pretended to be happy for her but I was lying. I hated her. But at the same time my feelings grew stronger.
So I waited in silent patience, biding my time, waiting for them to break up. But the moment came too late. But I’ll get to that in a bit. Next I have to talk about the debate lock in.
It started off innocently enough. Although the idea of spending an entire night locked in a building with her caused improper thoughts to run through my head. Thoughts of dragging her to the nearest bathroom and kissing her. Thoughts of grabbing her waist and pulling her close to me and whispering , “Yes or no?” before kissing her. No matter what there was lots of kissing involved.
Anyway, innocently enough. We played several games. I tried to teach her how to play magic. I rapped some of her favorite songs. We watched movies. But the real fun began after dark.
We moved to the gym to play tag. It was dark as the lights were out. Overall it was a lot of fun, but I was almost always near her. One round when another friend of mine was it, she was hiding in a corner. When I saw the person who was it coming toward her I grabbed her hand and whispered, ‘Run’. I knew she was a Doctor Who fan so she started to laugh. Oh that laugh… it was so beautiful. Always has been. Always will be. But the dark bred more thoughts. Thoughts of groping her and placing my hands all across her body under the guise of night. And many more thoughts.
Then we raced chairs down the hallway. Naturally I was always with her, pushing the chair or being pushed in it. Then we played hide and seek. This is where it gets interesting. I’m an amazing hider when I want to be. And what better way to spend lots of time with her alone then waiting for someone to come find us who never will. We hid together of course, first near the librarian’s desk. We talked a bit about her current boyfriend and another person who she was interested in. Next we hid under the computers. There she told me she also had feelings for me. She even said to me how badly she wanted to make out with me. And god did I want to. So badly. I wanted to crawl over to her across from me and grab her, lay her down, and press my lips against hers. I didn’t care who caught us. I just wanted her. But all good things must come to an end and someone found us.
Finally, we played truth or dare. She sat the couch opposite me. Many interesting things happened that game but none more so than when she was asked questions. Most pertained to who she liked at the group and when she named her number one, while it wasn’t me, she was looking at me. I wasn’t at the top on her lips, but I was in her mind. And that is when I knew that I would stop at nothing to make this woman mine.
And now we come to the tipping point. State debate. It all started on the way there. Me and her were sitting together and watching netflix on her phone. It was a small screen and we had headphones in. Ergo our heads were very close. She lay her head on my shoulder. I told her not to because I have such bony shoulders most find it uncomfortable but she just smiled and said it’s fine and that she did find it comfortable. I laughed and we continued to watch the movie. She wanted to watch V for Vendetta so I brought the dvd with us, hoping there was a player in the room. There wasn’t unfortunately so we looked for it on Netflix. No such luck. So we started to watch another movie. A horror movie.
We were lying on her bed in the girls’ room, her roommates getting ready for bed and we were both very close. My arm was very uncomfortable so I asked if I could place it around her. Platonically of course. She readily agreed and began to snuggle herself onto my chest. I looked down and couldn’t stop staring at her face. So content. So beautiful. So…perfect. I wanted her. I wanted everything she had to offer. But I had to know if she was okay with it. So I started to give small signals. I began to rub her back sensually. I placed my hand near private areas of her body like her breasts and near the waistband of her shorts. Little things.
Her breath picked up but she didn’t stop me. Made no move to. Finally, when I decided to go for broke and place my hand directly on her ass she looked up, our faces almost half a foot away. I dropped her phone, cupped her chin gently and moved her lips toward mine. But I stopped mere centimeters from contact. One last chance. One last chance to put a stop to this. To prevent us from doing something we shouldn’t. And her lips protested. They did. But even as they moved to speak out against this behavior they also moved closer to mine. And finally when they touched, even for the briefest of moments I could tell that all doubt, all hesitation, had left us.
I’ll leave the rest to your imagination but needless to say we did stuff. We didn’t go all the way but in a certain way… we didn’t need to. It happened the next night as well but once again we stopped before going all the way. Truth be told, nobody would have ever found out if it hadn’t of been for the fact I was too eager the first night and left a sizable hicky on her neck… Yeah. Not my best moment…
I digress. Remember when I said I can pinpoint the exact moment I knew I was in love with each of the four? With her it was right after we got back from state debate. We were unloading boxes and I was on my way back out when she stopped me, pushed me against the wall and kissed me. When she pulled away she looked up and smiled. And it wasn’t the kiss that sealed it… it was the smile. The look in her eyes. It’s been ingrained in me since then…
Over the next few months, our relationship moved no further as she was still with the other guy. Once she finally left him we began our romance… slowly… in secret. You see her dad, to put it mildly, is a massive cunt. We’ll get to that in a second but needless to say he’s more than a bit racist and the fact I put a hickey on his daughter’s neck probably didn’t help much. Whatever, she would come over when she could and we would talk regularly including skype calls.
It was lovely… It was easily one of the happiest summers of my life. Eventually I took her virginity, though not in the fashion I intended. I was a horny teenager but that doesn’t excuse the fact that you did not deserve to have your first time behind a barn. I’m very sorry and I hope that you can forgive me.
Hopefully one day I can get to a point and time where I can start a passage without saying, ‘It has been a while since I’ve updated this,’ but that day is not today so…
It has been a while since I updated this. A lot has happened since I last wrote, including the entirety of winter break and a new year. Let me finish my thoughts from my last entry first about Courtney.
Here’s the thing about Courtney. I love her to death. I want her to be happy but I don’t think she could be with me. I wish that wasn’t the case and at one point and time I thought maybe I could make her happy. But these last few days I spent with her have shown me I don’t think I can. I want to, but I don’t think it’s possible. So I keep my distance now. I think that’s best… I want to be a part of her life but I don’t think that’s a good idea.
Anyway, I suppose I should tell you. I’m not going back to college. You see, over break I basically attempted suicide. I know I said earlier I don’t think I would and that I would leave a note if I did but whatever. I didn’t. I suppose I didn’t because I didn’t see it as that at the time but in hindsight it couldn’t have been anything else. I walked outside in below zero weather, Fahrenheit mind you, with nothing on but shoes, pajama pants, and a light coat, no socks or shirt, is a recipe for death. I’m frankly amazed I didn’t contract frostbite. I’ve always said frostbite would be my prefered way to die anyway. It always just seems so peaceful. You’re really really cold. Then you’re really really warm. Then you kinda just slowly drift off to sleep and die. It’s ideal. No work necessary. Honestly, cowardice is the only thing keeping me alive. I could never pull the trigger, tie the rope, or wield the knife. Such actions are abhorrent to me, not just morally, but physically. So I could never do it. But if you handed me a forstbite pill that just let me slowly die in my sleep? Hell yeah. I’d take that in a heartbeat. I want to die, but I don’t want to commit suicide. I hope that makes sense. Regardless, halfway through my journey in the bitter cold I decide to check myself into the hospital which is a long ways away. Either I make it and I survive or I don’t and I die. Win win for me I thought.
Well, spoiler alert, I made it.
But I realized that my mental health is not conducive to a learning environment. So I’m not going back…
Now I’m going to talk about Sam again. If you’re complaining because that seems to be all I talk about I remind you that this is MY journal, MY Catharsis, and MY thoughts. And my thoughts are consumed by her, for better or worse. I love that woman so goddamned much and I just wish she knew that.
I feel so hopeless. She’s moving in with Justin soon, Liz’s father and if you need a refresher on how much distaste I have for the man go back and find it. It shouldn’t be hard to find. Needless to say I don’t like this situation and if I’m feeling honest I’m a little angry at Shawn. He promised me that Sam would always have a place in his house and i know that Roxy is the mother of his kids, and all but still… Objectively I understand but as I am increasingly becoming more and more aware, “emotions don’t have brains.” They are not logical. This document isn’t logical. It is my emotions and they don’t always make sense but they are what I feel regardless. I may hate myself for feeling it but that doesn’t change anything.
I was hoping that since I was here I could finally have a chance to get into her heart. I asked her out in a way that I thought was clever and made her smile but that I will keep to myself for a few reasons but regardless she said she’ll think about it. I made mention that I would be willing to share her and I would like to clarify my earlier thoughts on the matter. What I hate and what makes me territorial of her is when she sleeps with people who don’t care about her and for no other reason than to get their dicks wet. People like Cub, Dwight, Justin, people on Tindr, that virgin guy she’s talking too, etc. But she made mention of her “Fuck-It-List” and how she wanted to complete it and as she was talking about it, it didn’t invoke the same visceral hatred and jealousy that it normally does. Even the idea of her sleeping with Shawn doesn’t invoke it. Obviously the ideal situation is for her to be mine and I be hers and that be that. Nobody else. But I’m not against sharing her in specific circumstances.
Slight tangent I’m more angry with David than I think I should be for the way he treats her. He doesn’t treat her badly and that is the problem. He’s playing with her heart but I don’t think he’s doing it intentionally. I only get half of the conversation but he keeps talking about going down to see her if he had a vehicle, getting a place if he could with her, and she’s eating it up. Perhaps unbeknownst to her or maybe I’m misinterpreting but I can’t help but feel like he needs to either make her his for good this time or back the fuck off. Maybe not though… Maybe I’m just blinded by the envy that he has her heart and I don’t. And he’s wasting it.
He’s wasting the opportunity he has to hold her every night. To call Liz his daughter. To grab her hand and pull her to him and kiss her. To grab her, throw her on the bed and take her like an animal. He’s wasting an opportunity to hold her when she’s sad, laugh with her when she’s happy and perhaps most importantly, he’s wasting the opportunity to know that every second of every day he can call her his.
Regardless, She called me today and said that I can take her on dates and whatnot but she will not ‘go out with me.’ Which I am actually more happy than I thought I would be at that information because it’s at least something. I can court her, show her that she doesn’t have to be alone. Show her just how much I can do for her if she asks. How much I am willing to do.
I would spend every minute texting, calling, holding hands, hugging, kissing, fucking, cuddling, etc. that she would allow me to with her. I hate that she feels alone… I hate that she is forced back into Justin’s house. I hate that I can’t do anything to help her. I hate that I feel like I’m not doing anything more to help her when I could be. I hate that I can’t call her mine because I know that if I could I would spend every second trying my damndest to make sure she wouldn’t regret that decision.
And I’m no fool. I know I’ll fuck up. I know I’ll forget the wrong thing, I’ll say something to upset her as a joke and feel really shitty about it after the fact. I know I’ll fuck up. But I would still do everything in my power to try as hard as possible to make sure that doesn’t happen often…
Well… Today Sam messaged me and told me she didn’t care about me. Perhaps that’s not what she meant, but it’s certainly what it sounded like to me. She posted something on facebook saying that she’ll kill the next person who tells her that they love her and leaves. Now, I don’t know if you’ve figured this out or not, but I love her lots and have said as much to her on multiple occasions. So naturally I sent her a message making a joke about the post. Then she says, and I quote “I don’t really expect anything from you so you can’t really fuck up by leaving.”
Naturally, that hurt. A lot. I said really to which she said “Sad but true. I don’t take you seriously.” She once said to me the worst thing she could ever feel for a person is apathy. Not hate, not dislike but apathy and to me, that’s what she just said to me. That she basically didn’t care if I left. Which filled me with lots of emotions as you can imagine, chief of which being sadness at once again being rejected by someone I love but also slight anger and confusion.
Let me preface this explanation with a full awareness of the hypocrisy I’m about to say. First of all, Sam, Danori, and Courtney are all their own women who are perfectly capable of making their own decisions and in no way are they obligated to “Give me a chance” or “Just try it out” so to speak. I know that. And the cognitive dissonance in my brain when I don’t understand that fact weighs on me.
You see, I simply don’t understand why they won’t. I know that sometimes, people just don’t fall in love and that’s okay. Love is a complex emotion and we have no control over it, it’s just that objectively I think I’m a pretty good candidate. Especially for someone like Sam. I’m someone who not only loves clinginess but encourages it. No matter the extreme, and I’ve seen some pretty clingy people and I’ve always yearned for it. I know I can be a bit of a sarcastic ass sometimes but I genuinely want nothing but the best for all of mankind, especially those I love. I’m amazing with children, ask my godson, or any of the countless children I play with on a regular basis. I give my all in any relationship, almost too much I suppose for some people… I’m not awful in bed and I’m always improving and getting better. I’ve certainly never had any complaints… well… except for those few times you all already know about but those were special cases.
In short, I acknowledge that in no way does anybody have an obligation to go out with or sleep with and especially fall in love with anybody they do not want to and I also acknowledge that there doesn’t have to be a reason they don’t want to and if there is, they don’t have to tell me BUT! With all that being said, I still objectively don’t know why it is so hard for me to find someone to reciprocate my love.
And perhaps I never will.
---
So it occurs to me that my original assessment was wrong… perhaps my fears were misplaced? You see, this kidney stone has been kicking my ass lately and it’s only getting worse. I’ve developed an addiction as I can safely say that now it has developed into one. I was suffering withdrawal symptoms a couple nights ago. I even was vomiting blood though I suspect that was more from the stone than the meds, or lack thereof. But nevertheless something strange occurred. Sam and I had started talking again but it was mostly just roleplaying so I didn’t think much of it though I really wanted to. I once told her that I imprinted my feelings for her onto my character Scotty who married her character Pan and I have a vague recollection that she said she did the same a bit. So I have a habit of reading a bit too much into our Roleplays. Or at the very least enjoy hearing her refer to me as ‘hun’ or ‘babe’ or similar pet name even though I know it’s her character referring to my character. But regardless, that was it, until she offered to take me in and watch me. Now, it is only to help me kick the addiction, nothing more, but that at least shows she cares right? I like to think so. She even opened up to me about her sex life again and how she was in heat and when I propositioned her for sex, she didn’t say no! Well… kinda, she expressed that her only major concern was for my kidney stone, but I can personally attest that unless the stone is acting up, sex still feels as great as ever though I have only had it the once since the stone developed. And when I’m on my meds? Even better! But regardless I hope I don’t have to take my meds at all. I love the way they make me feel and it terrifies me. When I catch myself staring at the bottle for a little too long despite having no pain? That is scary to me… I hope Sam could help and I think just being around her will distract me enough for it and if I get sex, all the better. I still haven’t decided what I should do though…
If she’s willing to take me in and help me should I keep pursuing her but from afar? That’s what shawn told me to do. Speaking of which, I really can’t wait for him to be un-blacklisted so we can finally have that threeway with her. Nevertheless, Shawn suggested I not give up on her. To continue the fight for her heart. But I don’t want to push so much I drive her away… I feel stuck so I think the best course of action is just to stay neutral.Sleep with her if I can for both our sakes, to relieve her heat and to help me with a distraction and continue to be a presence in her life she can hopefully trust and communicate with. Maybe one day even come to love… Though if she continues to read this I doubt that’ll help. I oftentimes wonder what’s going through her mind as she reads these new passages. I sure wish she’d tell me…
2/24/2020
So I’m writing this directly after reading this for the first time in almost three years. And I gotta say… holy shit that was rough to read… You’ll find out in the next entry. All I can say is that… be kind to me. I’m doing my best and I suppose that’s all I can do. I briefly debated deleting the entry Sam, who I will refer to as Soma from now on for reasons that will be clear in the next entry, wrote. Not least of which because it felt too personal… but i figured it would be better for you all to get the full story. I hope he doesn’t hate me for leaving it in should he ever find out I published this. Oh that’s right dear readers. You read that right. Buckle up.
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