What is love? I spend so many hours asking myself this question, do i really love him or are those just really intense emotions i feel on a friendship base. How do i know if i love or like him? Whats even the difference? I looked up the official definition of love, but what does it mean?
love[ luhv ]
noun
a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
sexual passion or desire.
verb (used with object), loved, lov·ing.
to have love or affection for:
All her pupils love her.
to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
verb (used without object), loved, lov·ing.
to have love or affection for another person; be in love.
I don’t know if i ever truly loved someone or if i ever will, i liked boys, a lot of boys actually but did i just crush on them or was it real love?
There was this one guy, hes special. If i ever loved anyone then him.
We met last year, i came new in to the class, didn’t know anyone, didn’t speak their language and was hella scared. I saw him straight away. He sat at the back of the classroom, didn’t even look up when i entered the room and just stared at his table. I don’t know what it was but there was something interesting about him. Something that fascinated me. But he didn’t talk to me, not once in the whole year. He barely even looked at me. I don’t think he recognized me at all, he made his point clear: not interested. Back then i thought he was too “cool” for me , that i wasn’t attractive or popular enough to get his attention, that i was just the weird foreign girl no one knew. Now i know that he just doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about anyone. He hates school and everyone who’s in it. Hes tough and doesn’t like to show emotions, hes mystical and dark.
after a few days i realized that this won’t lead to anything good and i moved on. Over the summer i decided to go back home to my family, within the first week home he started snapping me. Quickly i realized that he is pretty much into drugs. But i didn’t care. I am used to it. It actually gave me kind of a good feeling since everything seemed so familiar. After a while we started flirting and it all went good, i was at work all day so i had no time to chat but we spend every night texting on the phone. We weren’t together so i still got with other lads on nights out but i started to feel bad for it. I wanted him and not some random guy in the club. I never had this feeling before and to be honest it scared me a bit. I Eventually came back to the beginning of the new and final school year. We kept talking on Snapchat but never talked in real life. He acted as if he never saw me before. When i asked him about it he just said it is hard for him to talk to girls and that he also never talks to any of my friends. I accepted that as an answer and the days went bye without us even saying hello. Days turned into weeks and weeks into months. In school he acted as if were total strangers and as soon as we were home he was all cute saying he misses me. I kinda got on with it, that’s how it is now i guess i said to myself and was just happy to get some kind of attention of him.
After a while he started to change. He snapped less, didn’t show his face anymore and seemed weirdly distanced. I assumed that he lost interest in me, i couldn’t blame him but one night he proved me other. He told me about his drug consume, that he was way more into it then he told me at first and doing all kind of hard drugs as well. I wasn’t happy about it but at least i had an explanation. I didn’t judge him. By the time mid-term holidays came he asked me out, he was all cute and wanted to have a relationship. The excitement i felt in that moment was mixed with fear because i knew that this kind of guys are no good for you and won’t last long in a relationship. We met in town a few days later, smoked something to calm down and went to the movies. It was a good day, i was so nervous and i could tell that he was as well but it was also kind of awkward. The following days i had a friend over so we went back to our text based relationship. I got this feeling that hes not a friend of commitments. Always when i mentioned the future, even tho it was just the next week he started acting weird. Mid-term was over real quick and we returned to school. I was a bit disappointed and to be honest also hurt because he proceeded to ignore me. He didn’t even look at me. I felt like i was just a joke to him. 2 days into this situation i asked him why hes acting so weird and that the situation got really awkward and we decided that we won’t work out as a couple.
The next few weeks we didn’t talk at all, we were complete strangers even tho our friend groups started to mix and we spend every lunch break together, we didn’t talk. Over Christmas the whole story basically repeated itself, he asked to try it again, i got attached, we ignored each other in school and decided to end things.
Just a week later a really good friend of mine confessed his love to me. I was fairly surprised and convinced myself that hes the perfect lad for me and that we should try it. Things happend real quick. The following weekend we went to the pub for an 18th and i got really drunk, afterwards we all went to the chippers and then it happend: he kissed me. I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t even sure if i wanted a relationship with this guy but he said things no one ever said to me and gave me a feeling of being loved, wanted and cared for so i decided to give it a try. Looking back on it it was a really silly decision i wish i could undo.
We had a really nice time together, we went out for like 5 weeks, met up every day and met each others families. Then the next night out came and he was there. The lad i spend months crying over showed up at the party and was sitting with us, that was the moment i realized what i was doing was wrong. I used this nice lad who genuinely had feelings for me to get over someone who played me. Looking back on it i think that i was for my bad guy, what my good guy was for me. Just someone to get over a one-sided love.
If that’s what love feels like, i don’t want it.
That night my bad guy hit me up again. We were both fairly drunk and he asked me to come to his house for “Netflix and chill”. If he wouldn’t live so far away i would have agreed. And that shocked me. I had a boyfriend but i didn’t even bother opening his messages because i was too focused on another guy, who i knew just played me. The following day i made up excuses to not see my boyfriend and the day after i broke up with him. He didn’t take it well but i don’t understand why he even made it such a big deal we just dated for a couple of weeks.
I found myself in a huge disaster. Good guy not talking to me and blaming me for breaking his heart and bad guy ignoring me as always.
I didn’t find love in either of them, but i learned that you shouldn’t get into a relationship just because others want you together and tell you how perfect he would be for you, if you don’t have genuine feelings for this person there is no point in hoping they will come. You just lie to both of you. Its also not the smartest idea to get with someone just to get over someone else. Personally i know now that i can’t stick around with a good boy for too long, the innocence and naivety just annoys me too fast and i always feel like i need to watch my mouth to not shock them.
I still can’t answer my question what love is or what love means, but i know that love hurts, it is the worst kind of a pain you can experience and i don’t even know if i ever want to fall in love (again).
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