Let's get this out of the way (or weigh LOL)........ I WEIGH 416 lbs. FOUR HUNDRED AND SIXTEEN POUNDS.
There I said it. Or wrote it. There is no other human being on the planet who knows what I just told you. I mean, obviously people can look at me and make their own assumption, but I have never told a soul the actual number.
How in God's name did I get be 416 lbs.?? What a good question. I guess the snarky answer would be 1 pound (or 1 bite) at a time.
Like so many others, I am one of those people who has struggled with weight my whole life. I have the fat gene from both my parents. I am now almost 50 years old. I was a moderately chubby kid. Ironically, we lived right next to a convenience store. My mom managed the store and guess what sugar loving little chubbett got to eat candy to her heart's content? And let's not forget sodas! I am a Coca-Cola girl from way back.
I was not grossly overweight as a teen but I sure thought I was. It seemed like everyone was skinnier than me and I was always, always conscious of this. I was a pretty girl but I learned early on that guys always pick skinny over pretty.
My late teens and early twenties were probably my best years. I am tall and carry my weight well. Or did. I had blonde hair and green eyes, big boobs and I had plenty of guys asking me out. I excel at flirting and I had several jobs where there was no shortage of young cute guys. I have a good personality and a great sense of humor. I know this all may sound a little arrogant but trust me it's not. It just facts and I guarantee you, I am far from arrogant. Being fat and having high (or any) self esteem definitely do not go together.
I kept the extra pounds at a minimum and even joined a gym and worked out regularly. I had good jobs, my own apartment, and life was as good as it ever was. I loved sex and had lots of it. This was right before AIDS came into play so being on the pill was the only passport you needed to have as much sex as you wanted.
I feel in love a few times and had a couple serious relationships between the ages of 17 and 21. I fell hard for a guy who was to become the father of my child that I had when I was 23. I had gone off the pill to give my body a rest and we used condoms. Truth be told, I wanted to get pregnant. I wanted to be with this man forever and foolishly thought this was one way of making that happen. That's another story though and I will tell it at some point.
By the time I got pregnant, I weighed well over 200 lbs. 248 to be exact. I tended to gain weight when I was happy and in a relationship. I guess I thought maybe I didn't have to worry about weight as much since I had a man lol. It didn't help that I've been drawn to big guys. Not fat, just big. They tended to be big eaters and I was always happy to join in.
I gained 48 pounds during my pregnancy, bringing me just shy of 300 lbs. I lost a little after I had the baby but I carried those almost 300 lbs. around for many years. Oddly enough, all that weight did not limit me as much as you would think. I always worked, took care of my child, had boyfriends and enjoyed life for the most part. Don't get me wrong, I was always conscious of my weight, always embarrassed by it, always had to buy plus size clothes, but I still enjoyed life for the most part. And yes, I dieted. Many, many times, losing and gaining, losing and gaining. I am an expert on calorie counting, Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, and healthy eating in general. I'm pretty sure I know more about food and nutrition than the average Joe.
Then about 12 years ago, I got sick. Very, very sick. I had to stop working and spent over a year at home recuperating. This basically meant lying around the house do nothing but watching TV, sleeping, playing on the computer and eating. I gained over 100 lbs. bringing me up to 400+ lbs. My life changed drastically from that point on.
Ok I'm going to try to sum this up and bring this entry to an end. I plan on writing here with complete honesty no matter how painful and humiliating it may be at times. I want to give real insight into living in a body this size, in a world that shames and looks down on people who are overweight.
I am hoping this will become a therapeutic journey as I struggle once again to lose weight.
To summarize. I am 49 years old. 5'9" tall and weigh 416 lbs. I am relatively healthy but was diagnosed with diabetes a year and a half ago. It is well managed and my doctor says it is completely weight related. In other words, if I lost weight I would probably not have diabetes. My cholesterol and blood pressure are good. I suffer from depression which is controlled by a low dose antidepressant. I am single and my last relationship was almost 9 years ago. I have zero interest in romance or sex. I know this is partly due to my antidepressant but mostly due to my weight. I've no doubt I could get a man if I really wanted one, after all there are men out there who prefer large women, the heavier the better. But I am not interested in men who only want me because I'm fat. No more than I would be interested in a man who only wanted me because I'm skinny. The main reason for my situation is because I could never feel sexy or desirable at this size. I live in western Maryland, close to PA. I have one daughter and 3 grandchildren who mean the world to me.
I welcome all readers and look forward to notes. I will not accept being put down or getting mean notes from anyone. Believe me, I've had a lifetime of judgement and nastiness only because of my size.
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