I love new books, and I’m cautiously excited about starting one here. Even something I never end up reading is enjoyable simply for its potential, for the idea I might find something interesting inside it. Whether my own writing here deserves the same faith is up to you.
Excitement can be a fickle thing, though, and I lack a lot of the skills and wiring that usually makes up the difference. I find most self-help things on this subject to be beyond obnoxious, since my brain doesn’t work the normal way. I have ADHD (among other things), which is really an impairment of executive function more than attention per se. Where I find this messing with me the most is that I don’t know what to do once the initial excitement or eagerness about something wears off. I can’t count the number of books, projects, whatever that I’ve started and not finished. What’s doubly frustrating is that there’s little to no way to predict what I’ll stick to and what I won’t, so I’m left flitting around in the hopes that I stumble upon something meaningful. Past experience is not a good predictor of the future. (Put another way, Bayes’ Theorem can eat a bag of dicks.)
Anyway, one of the things I’m trying to do now is worry less about why I’m doing something. If I feel drawn to it for some reason, just accept that as good enough. I think some of my impatience comes from being almost too clear about my long-term goal, such that I quickly lose sight of the here-and-now. I also tend to lose faith that my goal will be achieved far too quickly, although I don’t know if that’s related. I also demand far too much, which is why I’m hoping a more casual approach to journaling may lead to better results than another attempt to write Serious Things.
Anyway, it’s Friday. I am technically working (I work at home some of the week), trying desperately to care about my actual work. Clearly I’m not doing very well.
My work involves a process that is adjacent to the legal system, and operates similarly, but isn’t actually a part of it (being vague for anonymity). It’s unchallenging and highly repetitive, and the best thing I can say about it is that I’m largely left alone. Not exactly how I envisioned my adult career, and I’ve been struggling to find some sense of purpose for years.
I keep being told that relationships can help with this. I have a family but not much beyond that, and while my life is better for their presence in it, I don’t get a sense of accomplishment from them. I’m also not sure I should; my kid is not a science experiment to be sorted out. So again, my life is better this way, but there’s still a lot missing. Meanwhile, I generally find other people to be really boring. This isn’t to say I disagree with the underlying premise (I do), but instead that I don’t have any idea how to make the changes I need to make or even what they are.
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