i feel defeated today. i felt mean at work. i dont agree with the school culture i am in most of the time. yes...sometimes you need to yell to get your point across to a student. i did have a little break through with a chatty student today. i was what i consider mean upfront with him today for talking out of turn (hes one of those that wants to be the joker of the class). i kicked him out after his 2nd outburst, kept him out until he was actually quiet, and when i invited him back in, he didnt make a sound! that was my only accomplishment today. my orchestra rehearsal was boring, my 2nd graders were out of control (jumping off of desks...theyve been kicked out of my room and 2 of them were jumping off of their desks...) my 3rd and 4th graders wouldnt shut up for me to give them directions (i listed for them all the things i do to get them to quiet down and what im doing to get them focused and how i cant do anything else, i need them to actually do what im asking), and im pretty sure im going to fail my statistics class.
halfway through stat tonight, when we finally got a break, i went to the bathroom and cried just a little. looks like this is going to be my trend for the rest of the semester. sigh i just dont understand what or why we are doing these computations or where they came from and ive almost given up. i dont understand square roots and when im supposed to compute those and everything i tried tonight, i got wrong. thats defeating. i try, i listen, i copy, i think and i fail. that has always been math class for me. i just dont get it. and then i sit there and i think about my students and how i dont understand why they dont understand and it might just be the same thing! sigh i dunno...i also did my critique all wrong a few weeks ago and need to rewrite it...i missed the class where he explained how to do it and was told to ask a classmate. i asked a few, got the same answers, and then did it all wrong. it wasnt just me though. most of the class sucked. he wasnt happy with us tonight. but now ive got more work on my plate than i needed.
i wish i hadnt told that school i would adjudicate this weekend. i need time to do my work. i wasted last weekend because i needed a break. now i wish i hadnt. im overwhelmed.
went to professional development yesterday. it was good, got lots of information, but i feel like im constantly behind what they need me to do. i wasnt there for the retreat in august, i only started working there in october. there are people there who have been hired after me and they feel like theyre in the same boat. the recorder unit was apparently not explained the way it was supposed to because we're all teaching it incorrectly. i dont feel like i have enough time to teach all my concert repertoire. i have to edit a bunch of shit because im teaching the kiddos spirituals, but i cant say anything about god. im going to take a risk on 1 of them because the 5th graders are eating it up and actually doing work! its called shut de do and its amazing. look it up on youtube. i just feel like theres so much i need to do that im not doing and im just tired and overwhelmed and almost ready to throw in the towel. between all the crap at PD, the behavior issues with my students, the amount of school work, and just life things in general, i feel like this isnt for me.
i cant say definitively. some days, im amazed at what i can do and what my kids can do. i keep saying it though and other music teachers i know feel the same: there is way too much to do as an elementary general music teacher than can ever be accomplished. i really feel like i need an assistant or maybe another teacher. i think it would be great if i had a co-teacher. we would get so much done and could police the room better and show my kids how to sing in harmony...it would just be easier. but thats not the job, nor will it ever be the job. and i can only talk so much to other teachers about it. i dunno...im thinking im going to ask my field supervisor to come in within the next couple of weeks to help me out. maybe show me exactly how some warmups might go...
im just defeated today. it was a hard day. the kids got to me today. i cant let them do that. i also was a little rushed today and i cant deal with my day like that. i never could. i need to ease in and be relaxed and not worry. i cant rush my mornings. sigh i dunno...
tomorrow will be a better day.
~mana~
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