Where do the hours go? That’s an often repeated question in my life here at Idle Hours. I get up thinking that I’ll go and spend the day outside or will shop or will see a film and before I know it is four o’clock and I’ve had a perfectly good day at home, doing whatever occurs to me. And, lots occur to me. Again I think I named this house more aptly than I knew at the time.
I’ve enjoyed finding old photos of Kermit with me and with the family and posting them on FB this week. And some, last week. It’s simply wonderful to be able to look back at the moments we shared without grief snapping at my heart. I simply think about how fortunate we were to live the life we did, together. And, another thing I realize is that I am more comfortable with utter silence than I have ever been in the past.
I do think, looking back, it was grief yes, but only partially. Now I know it was also that utter silence used to chase me out of the house after he died in 2014. I went to the mall, the movies, to eat, to a beach house, etc. In all of my life there has never much silence. My parents and relatives were not reticent people–they talked all of the time and the radio or later the TV was always on. The first silence I remember was in our post honeymoon apartment where we lived for two years. I was 18 and terrified of the dark and of being alone. When he left for two weeks encampment in the something like the National Guard, I almost shriveled up and died. It was as if I thought he was going to fight in WWII.
He traveled as a CPA to see clients, take audits, etc. for years but then I had my children at home in those years… and silence? Silence doesn’t exist with children – not a 24 hour silence, for sure. Indeed, to a young mother, a snatch of silence was a bit more honored at the day’s end, back then.
His death opened the door to such profound silence. Six years since he died, on the 24th, and I’m finally finding silence normal. Just another day.
I awaken now without being overwhelmed by the quiet house, but only this year has that happened. In the past years, it has been an unwelcome realization upon awakening day by day that I was alone. And it hooked sadness and a bit of feeling sorry for myself. Day by day. But we are indeed adaptive as human beings. I adapted.
All the little successes. They are really huge. I bow to this one.
Last updated February 13, 2020