1 year in Grief

I have so much to express and over the next few days I feel I’ll do a few post.
Heres my mind tonight.
I feel like I’m being selfish. So I’m holding it all in.
That’s currently how I feel. Plus some other emotions.
Why I think I’m being selfish is that my birth story has multiple dates. 2/12/19 the day we were told you were gone
2/13/19 the day you were born
2/15/19 we laid you to rest.
Normally you’d have a day for mourning but I feel like I have 3. But if I Express it on all 3 days I’m being selfish. Not only that but I’m beating myself up because as sad as I am. (An believe me I am struggling) I feel bad that I dont have the same grief I had a year ago. Like how could I have moved on from that sadness I had then. To something less consuming and it makes me feel like I’m not doing enough to love and remember her. Like much love for her was expressed in my mourning. And now.... how do I show it....... I’m feeling extremely lost. Ghost like.

I miss my child. I miss her every second I’m in this world with out her. I miss this moment a year ago before I knew unimaginable heartbreak that the human mother could have. I’m angry as fuck that my daughter never got to open her eyes and see our faces, hear our voices, or us her. I dont know if I’ll ever be ‘okay’ again. Not truly. Not underneath it all.

A year ago tomorrow. My life and heart were destroyed. In a lot of ways. But all from one moment. One sentence. And I think even I’ll never wrap my mind fully around that.