About Today in 2020

This is an entry being written outside on the back fence patio. i have a view of the entire back and side yards, which are not in great manicured shape but very beautiful to me. I am so grateful for this sojourn in my little old house and hope it continues for years to come. Everything is performing a month ahead of schedule and if we have a freeze or frost things will be damaged.

I have met with my nursery owner friend to order some new shrubs to add to the canvas here and she’s working on those. My lawn’s weekly crew is aware I’ll need new grass over the French drain I’ve had installed and in another place where crab grass is taking over. The wind is blowing now again,I hear a small chime resounding and then hollow wooden chimes too, as well as the branches on the other side of the back fence. Every thing is moving, is shaking, all that is that moves and shakes – but nothing is being overturned that doesn’t move naturally. That kind of wind.

I like that image: I am like that too, breathing and moving and enjoying life in all the ways that life is supposed to move and be enjoyed. Or, I am doing that in the areas I allow myself to .

(Pregnant comment that came to mind right there, huh? I know its roots and I’ll explore it.)

My four days of being quiet after the dentistry have passed and I’m so rooted that I regret, sadly, being brought back to a somewhat necessarily busier life. Not as busy as I’d benefit from, thus that comment in parentheses. Being widowed, deciding to move, settling into a new place and city .... all fo that is totally lived and has moved past the energy it required.

Now. I have to find the courage and interest and dedication to enriching my life in a day to day way that I have avoided.

There are lots of things I’d like to do and lots of things I tend to file in “things I used to do” ....but I have reservations. Lots of them revolve over questions like…will I find my way to the event? Will I have a place to park or even be able to park in the space if I find it? Will I be able to find my way back to the car? Will it be safe to return to if it is at night? Will I be able to find my way into a parking garage and later the way out? Will I be able to pay into the contraption that guards exist from the garage? Will I be able to really use the gps when returning home if I don’t know the way? Will I be able to walk to the event without tiring and then if it is outside will I have the energy to return to my car after walking through the event area? If I purchase something, can I carry it to the car without tiring?

If I go to a theater even, will there be stairs that I cannot maneuver? Will I be able to hear the music or the actors? If I fly to visit some place will I be able to walk the long airport stretches ? Will I be able to find my room in the hotel or on board ship?

These questions are based on the few trips I have made since being widowed, one to The Dominican Republic and one to Dallas, TX. Also, local theatre where I was a guest of a friend and couldn’t hear the music or actors well or at all at times. Based on, also, my life-long deficits in direction and tendencies for, example, the need to turn right instinctively seems to make me turn left and think it is correct.

Also..based on my walking style and problems, my confusion with my gps, which I have about given up on as a personal deficit after seeing my friends, often older than I am, use theirs perfectly well and effectively. Did these things seem overwhelming when I was younger? No. Or somewhat but, I traveled alone in this county, this city, and even overseas. (As my dad used to refer to a trip abroad as overseas. I’m smiling.)

I ask myself: Did I before my husband’s death park my car? Did I follow travel directions? Yes and Yes? Did I walk confidently? Yes.

So.

Without meaning to I have let my next block of endeavors fall on the page in my diary, once more. I don’t know how much of this insecurity stems from aging and how much is from the loss of my husband perhaps more than I was aware of shaking my self-confidence over a large range of issues, I can explore that.

Last updated February 08, 2020