Echoes to the evolution

Some kind of wanderer who finds solace in the absurd.

Entries 162

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Goddamn mental health is a very fickle thing. Like some kind of secret flower blooming in the bush in all its glory to then shrivel by the end of the day with the great weight of heat and life en...


Something inside of me kicked off a little bit. Maybe re-awoke? Not entirely sure what it was to be honest. Noda (the BDSM/torture garden friend of mine) and I have been in touch quite a lot of l...


I don’t like therapy. Or do I? I don’t know. I feel like I have run a race every time that I get out of there – like I need to take a breath and release all of the adrenalin that has jumbled and ...


October 11, 2018

Wounded birds. in Crossing the void

Attracting wounded birds. This was how I was described the other day, in a reference to the people that I end up with. Funny that, because as a child, birds literally used to come to me to die. ...


We speak on the phone every night. It’s routine. I have seen him only once since he turned up to my place drunk. When I did see him, I told him that I didn’t want any intimacy as I was in a space...


October 03, 2018

Loop di loop in Crossing the void

I haven’t really talked to anyone about this. At all. I feel I guess, that I would be betraying him somehow – and painting him in some kind of misshapen light. I don’t have bad things to say abou...


September 30, 2018

Click clack in Crossing the void

The best friend, my Mousey – was pregnant. She had to go to Prague for a conference and found out the day before. She let me know. And then 72 hours later she had a miscarriage. All the way on th...


We were scheduled to hang out on Sunday. He just messaged that he can’t make that now, as he is flying to the gold coast for training all next week. I am also flying to the gold coast and stayin...


Could be something, could be nothing. Those who have read me for some time may recall a boy that I used to bounce around Europe with on all kinds of hedonistic adventures. We had been friends fo...


I could write a lot about the entire weekend. But in essence, we reconnected. We took a ferry across to Watson’s bay and wandered around in the brilliant sunshine and skin whipping wind. I had mo...


The night ran through itself in a series of dreamscapes, cut sharply with visions of Mum, of her death of floating between reality of her being gone and trying desperately to reach out and hold o...


A little bit a day. I promised myself. I almost started typing about the damn weather – that’s how awkward I am with myself these days. I can’t even start a conversation with myself without tryi...


I never gave Mum credit, for being so organised about her death. I think part of me just didn’t want to buy in to the conversation with her, because it meant it was going to be real. But I think ...


June 26, 2018

Five. in Crossing the void

Most days I sit down to write. And I do, on occasion, manage to rat-a-tat-tat some words on to a page. Usually though, I stop. I think that inevitably I am concerned for the tsunami that I know i...


** edit: How quickly we forget. After saving this entry I saw on the right hand side a link to “on this day” … and it took me back to Mother’s day 2015: https://www.prosebox.net/entry/297935/ I f...


April 15, 2018

Step in time. in Crossing the void

This was written last week, but it’s the eve of what would have been Mum’s 73rd birthday, so I figured to post in now. It’s been quite some time since I sat down to pen thoughts at an airport. ...


April 06, 2018

Of the dust. in Crossing the void

I had every intention of coming in here and reading and catching up on everyone the other night, and instead just sat in the living room with my housemate watching ridiculous TV. I guess I needed...


Lots has been happening on this side of the pond. Something clicked deep inside of me the other day about the ex. I had the house to myself for the first time in a long time and no plans to do a...


January 24, 2018

Dangle danger. in Crossing the void

Huh. It was a dangled carrot dance thrown at me in perhaps the last moments of despair and facing imminent loss – but the idea and the seed was planted there. That he had a ring size chart, getti...


I met with the ex on Friday to cement the break up. I was nervous but also happy in a strange kind of way and excited to see him. It was a very odd mix of emotions. I hadn’t wanted to think too m...


January 17, 2018

Naked ambition in Crossing the void

Dating is not easy. At all. After matching with several people during the speed dating escapades – and having no clue what name matched with whatever hazy image I had in my brain, I agreed to a d...


January 10, 2018

Speed racer in Crossing the void

I’ll write in detail when I get time, the holiday was interesting, nearly killed my sister at least 3 times and threw her phone across the room on day 2. ha. Went speed dating last night with my...


December 09, 2017

From old to new. in Crossing the void

I broke up with him. Eventually. I spent the first 3 weeks away from him for the last week of my work, then visiting family who were all ill - and then he had gastro on the weekend he had his dau...


October 23, 2017

Blindside. in Crossing the void

I’ve not yet been able to bounce back to a positive frame of mind over this. In fact, I’ve discovered a defence mechanism that I never even knew that I had, where I become this distant, almost st...


October 14, 2017

And, the drop. in Crossing the void

I am not entirely sure what happened really. It’s been a hard few weeks He carries trauma from his ex-wife, she cheated on him and she is now with that man. Her main mechanism for communication w...


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