So, I’ve gone through some rough shit recently. I’ve spent a lot of time explaining myself, my thoughts, my feelings and newest explorations of myself, if I was considered neurotypical which I’m not, I have ADHD and Autism so I guess they’re considered my newest hyper-fixations. My manager inevitably being one of the people I have had to explain myself to a lot recently (she’s a wonderful person, I have been extremely lucky) has told me I write well, I express my feelings in a way that makes people connect. And that I should write. I didn’t think I did really. I thought my writing was terrible. Particularly my writing basics. You know, grammar, punctuation, shit like that. Anyway I think she meant more the value of the words I was writing. They were honest - that comes with autism. I have journaled a lot recently and honestly, writing more has benefitted me, mainly to organise and track my thoughts, so maybe she was right? I’m newly diagnosed (obviously I’m a female born in the late 90’s) so am only recently exploring strategies to cope with my ‘disorders’. I have been writing to track my eating and sleeping habits, which in times of stress (like now) have been known to deplete to eating fuck all, everyday, for weeks and sleeping like a rat on meth (not at all). Not healthy really considering. But over time with, writing it down, having patience for myself (again not well rehearsed by me usually… practice*), the support of certain people around me, and a few brave moves and radical life changes, and my eating is improving to that of a normal human being - phew - and my sleep, well that’s never been good.

Any way that’s it. I might start writing about it. I don’t know yet. In all honesty, I wonder if this is how I need to express myself? I’ve always felt like I’m trapped in an activist body unable to take my anger or frustration anywhere bloody productive. I felt so frustrated for along time. I had to step back. Well, learn to step back. Well, start to learn to step back, I’m not that good at it yet. I have to learn to not offer that explanation to deaf ears. Prioritising where I put my energy (particularly with my family) - I’m passed trying to make them see things differently - it breaks me more than it heals them or helps them to understand things differently. I’m trying to preserve myself for the people who have the emotional intelligence enough to just listen, without judgement and with acceptance - as I do theirs. I’m not perfect at it yet but it’s getting easier to do and easier to ignore some peoples madness for that reason (well some of the time anyway, like I said, I’m not perfect at it yet). I’ve tried to turn my perspective from being negative and driven to stir some sort of change, to that of acceptance and withdrawal from certain CONVERSATIONS, not necessarily people, yet. That depends what I see next I suppose. Anyway, that’s what I said to my manager (or near enough). That’s what’s brought me here. So yes, maybe I’ll try writing. Again, I don’t know.

Disclosure. In keeping with the title, “The honest brutalities of it all”, my TV’s broken, the sound won’t work, and (for context, I’ve recently downloaded and starting playing on Tinder) I’ve binned one guy off today and the other is offline. Lol. So here I am, Bored. Giving this writing stuff a whirl.

Keep safe out there girls and guys.
<3