hey. its been a while i haven’t written. i am sorry if its bad it has been a while. I stopped writing the moment i got out of college, not because of tiredness, not because i had a lot of stuff to do. i just stopped. its ironic because this used to be my major, Profesional writing, and I used to cry because of it. So here I am back at it. And becuase I know I suck at making me accomplish stuff, i will do what my teacher used to make me do. put a 20 minutes timer and jsut write until the time stops. Because sincerely that is the only effective way that i was made to write. becuase that is what I am i guess. so this is it. my first writing, after college, oh and by the way before you get the wrong idea, i did not finish college, i was not able to end my before senior year. i guess i was not fit enough. but before i cry telling a sob story that i told trying to see if someone says what i want to hear. becuase knowing you will know sooner or later about how emotional and non-emotional i can be when I want to, so here it is my 20 minute mark, because i know myself. so i am sorry if you found this, this will not be your next masterpiece, like i always wished for it to be, this will problaby not be your next sob story, because i was to worst on that although i quite easily made to cry or jsut cry out of anger, which i do indeed hate for the feeling you get, the impotence you feel, the feeling that that was the best worst you can do, because know whatever you have said stop making sense. i know beucase the moment i cry i stop thinking and i start overthinking, oh how i love my brain. becuase well that is who i am, an emotional sucker, who will cling to any person that hugs them when i am at my worst. i hate it. so badly, becuase they will leave, eventually, so for know you are my emotional support, would it be the person that hopefully will never see me in person, or to my computer that i still do not how it is still alive with all of the trash that i see almost daily. i am sorry that you had to read this. but there is another rule that my teacher had you cannot stop writing. no matter how stupid it sounds, no matter how much you want to erase what you write, no matter how stupid it makes you feel. you cannot stop, the moment the timer goes off is the moment your fingers stop. taht the rule. i love and hate the most. beucase i promise if i ever get to read this again. i will problaby gag at it, i will feel so akward i will want to hide my face from embarrasment, as every single time i wathc a movie where there is an specific scene that a person does something stupid. and sadly i am the type of persons taht no matter how good or bad the movie or serie is, the moment the character does soemthing stupid i will feel it in my bones, as if i myself did the stupid thing. i will feel as if my life is beign shown in the tv. becuase i get to inside the movie. meaning that i will cry with the movie, i will get involved with them, who knows maybe i will read fanfics deppending on how they touched me in a good or bad way ( I am very sorry for you dazai osamu), i will problaby try to find a gacha reaction video, that in one way or anotehr i love watching, its wierd i know but you got to admit sometimes they do an excellent job at protraying the characters emotions or reactions, and find a great angst video. and not to talk about ao3, that man those fanfics are from anotehr world. mostyl the bsd fanfics, which man they are gorgeous, but of course i cannot talk to them outloud beucause it has not been published outside and that peopel will problaby look at me crazy for havign those deseir to read it. maybe becuase i wanted for that to be me. the writer, the author, not the reader. so please just this once give me the chance to be the author, even if i know that this will be the only piece i will get out, knowing me its posible, beauces i know i think i know but maybe this is not the wolrd that i am supposed to be in, the one that writes for a living that creates life in a paper, but maybe i am the one who read its. but for this once give me the pleasrue to say that somebody else read it, jsut once, please. just one favor, i promise ill be good, jsut give me this touch of happines, taht atleast for one person i am writer, an author, a good or bad one i do not know, but an author, please, please. i can try atleast once here are my 20 minutes.