It’s almost been a month without you, i don’t think i can really say it’s gotten any easier, just because I don’t cry everyday because it still hurts as the day I found out on October 21 at 12:36pm. 2 hours and 34 minutes after you went home to be with the Lord. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy, traveling, being with the family… but the truth is, after a few days of trying to distract myself and smiling… I break into pieces. I crumble at the fact that I can’t send you pictures of what I’m doing or who I’m with. I miss seeing you post pictures of me saying “I love my girl”… and I wish I commented on every single one of them that I loved you more. Because I do I love you so much momma. You were always the one who’s been there for me since day 1. We all make mistakes, I know I have too. But I always forgave you and you never judged me. When I’m flying, I’ll always think of you, because that’s the closest I can get to you now until it’s my time to go home too. If I stare into the horizon long enough I can feel your smile and your touch and it’s the most beautiful thing. I wish I knew what to do, but the truth is I have literally no idea. I know I’m a good human, a good friend, a good daughter grand daughter cousin all those things… but like who actually am I, who am I supposed to grow to be. Where am I going, who’s coming with me, it’s like I see the light at the end of the tunnel but it doesn’t matter how fast I run to it, it doesn’t get bigger. It’s just hard for me to figure that out when there’s so many options, so many places, so many people. It’s like trying to watch 12 movie screens in one single theatre. I get so overwhelmed I feel like the only thing that makes me comfortable is to freeze. But the problem is I won’t wanna thaw out so that’s not an option for me. I know myself and I don’t want to get to that place anymore I refuse. My head is screaming and i want to let it out so bad but I’m afraid if I let it all out the silence will be even scarier. Life doesn’t come with a handbook, believe me I’ve been in this library for 28 years and haven’t found it yet. So here I am, still running in this tunnel to reach that little light, I might have to slow down and walk for a while, but I’ll never stop. I can’t stop, because it looks so beautiful and I have to hold it, I’m not sure how far it is but I know if I turn back around I’ll never get to it.