If I let go of my past, my trauma’s, some of my worst life experiences, it feels like my mother has never existed. Somewhere I know that this is the painful truth, because I did not had a mother that was there for me emotionally, capable of love. Did I even have a mother? As a child I almost never got hugged, never comforted and never was told to be loved. I learned I was not important and that my feelings didn’t matter and wondered if something was wrong with me. I mourn for the mother I never had and still long for her. Now, years later, at moments I still long for a mothers love but end up disappointed so many times. I did have a mother who was there materially for me, fed me, brought me to school, gave me a roof over my head. Is that the definition of motherhood? Whenever I am confronted of why my life is so different than others who had a loving mother, it hurts. When they get hugged, when they get support, when they say “I love you”, or even just with a simple phone call where a mothers asks a child how her day was, it is a moment that I feel the void in my heart. It’s the pain of the trauma I carry with me. I want to let it my past go, I want to feel lighter, happier and loved, without the love of a mother. I need to let go the past, and accept that I never had a mother who could show me what love is. I need to learn how to love myself, because no one taught me.