I have nowhere to express myself.I used to write in my diary a lot but not since I got married.I am scared that he would read it.We fight a lot and it gets dark sometimes.I just needed to write it out nothing more..I have three boys all of them are different close ages and it gets really difficult at times but I am really glad to have them.Husband is very strict about them.I mean sure he loves them but sometimes it turnes into abuse.How can you claim you love someone and go out and make a whole entire drama ovet a small thing.To be quite honest I think he is uddiognosed bipoler so It sort of makes sense.The world is against him everyone hates him ,every single person he knows is plotting against him.We come from different cities so whenever we go visit my mother we travel about two hours and stay there for a week or so.Thing is we have been sick a few times whenever ee go there.I am not neglecting them I take really good care of them when we’re there.We go to the park,we play with toys,ride a bike,we laugh we have fun.For a week no one has yelled.I really don’t know how they get a cold but perhaps It’s a virus.I have no other explenation.We meet a lot more people there and they don’t go to kindergarden so that might be it.Once they do get a cold while we are there I start to panic like a full blown anxiety meltdown bacause I know what that means.It means we are gonna have a big fight about it not just a normal fight a little yelling no.I can’t describe hoe it makes me feel .At some point I just give up and say go ahead just kill me and end it all.He is cursing my parents me beating the kids over a small cold .We fight any time something happens even when it doesn’t.I live in fear of it happening again.I didn’t mean for them to get sick I am careful yet it still does but it is in no way a reason to abuse all of us .Like if we don’t act a way he wants It’s no good .The kids still love him in the end and I still find ways to get past it only because I have to.But surely when they are old enough they will know better.Love is not supposed to hurt or sting.I hope they break the chain when I couldn’t.I forgave once and now I forgive forever.Sometimes I do think what it be like to leave but I know he would abuse me,them and my family if I did.So there is no way out .