I dont want to say my name but you can call me Martha and im 19 years old. long story short I moved to China 8 months ago to study here. My major is medicine and i dont want to complain about anything but days pass by it is becoming tougher and tougher as I try to figure out a way to settle down. before coming here I was suffering from depression and not gonna lie but after changing my place i sincerey changed. i mean i mentally changed somehow i became independant. u might ask why i say that well let me tell u before coming to china my dad told me he could just support me for one year and the rest of 5 years i should earn my own college fee and working as an international student in china is illegal. So what i did was finding a job illegally in an institute and teach them english just in case that i can earn the fees. so basically after my classes i straightly head to work without hesitation and i’ll come back to dorm around 9 p.m every day so physically i became so tired even now that im writing i feel so exuasted. this lifestyle became a challenge for me bcz somehow i should balance my study and work at the same time. in anothr hand bcz my major is medicine and it is so hard and i dont have that much time to spend on my studyings so i feel so bad about myself and it becomes worse when i see my classmates who are trying so hard and they spend time on themselves and they are having so much fun as the same time. but me?! God knows what im doing now… i dont even have time to spend it on myself. People are trying so hard for this major i know they will be so good in their job except me and this is killing me inside.

I can’t communicate very well with people bcz my chinese is not good and it is just been 8 months since i started learning a new language.every time i go out people just point at me and tell me in chinese ” look she is a foreigner” and im so sick and tired of this thing. sadly i cant do anything about it and it is bothering me so i try not to show my face outside and cover my face with a cap and sun glasses just not to let anyone understand that im a foreigner.

i dont know when will the next time that i can see my family because i dont have the money to pay for the plane ticket to go and come back again. I just missed them so bad and most of the times all i want is just my mom’s hug. People in a country should make u feel comfortable but why here i feel as an extra person i feel like i dont belong to here just because im a foreigner. just because im different in apperance.

i just want to rest i just want to go to a place where there is no one and i can live peacefully without letting anyone know me. I should improve myself but im becoming more introvert as time passing by.

im just in a dilemma where i dont know if i like my new life or the past one. Why i miss those flashbacks all the time?

Why did i grow up?