Dear journal, today I’m feeling that i just wanna die. Why am I always wrong, maybe am I just god’s mistake or my parent’s mistake, I wonder? Sometimes I just wish that I was muted and deaf, so I can’t hear anything and also can’t say anything, or I wish I was dead or even better never existed. My life is very simple, if I say a joke I get shouted and get beaten, if tell the truth I get shouted, if I work hard and do my best I get shouted. What do I have to do to live a happy life, or what did I even do wrong to get shouted at or live like this ???
Should I just die?? If I die, would somebody love me? Or do I also get shouted and beaten for committing suicide? What do you think journal or someone who is reading this?
But I’m scared how the pain will cause, does that hurt that much? Is there an even way to die without a pain? I know I’m weak, and I will, try to stay strong, but it’s not working well I can’t use my weakness as strength. Sometimes I just want to hurt my self and wanna know how much it will hurt, but I’m not brave enough for that. Do you think would somebody ever love me even tho I do something wrong or just be myself? Just 3 years and then move out 3 more years, I just have to close my eyes and endure it. I CAN DO THIS!!! But I just feel hopeless and stuck, like there is no escape. Do you think I will make it or just die in pain?
If a die, I hope I’ll go to heaven and stay there forever because I don’t want to be feel the human’s life pain again. I feel lonely and stuck alone in my own heart, is there even any escape, or I can’t just find it because I don’t dare to do look for it.