I’ve always believed in Love. Even though I truly have no reason to. My parents were married for 23 years, hating each other practically every step of the way and “staying together for the kids”. They separated my junior year of college. Saying forever they were going to stick it out util my sister finally left the house. Couldn’t quite make it I suppose; divorcing two years before she finally graduated. Their bullshit is a discussion for another time. There truly was a million reasons for them to divorce. But, the bottom line is they finally separated after my mom found out my dad was having an affair. Although my sister found out first, technically speaking. Since my mom had logged onto her facebook on my sisters phone, and the mistress ended up messaging her on facebook which notified my sister each time a message was sent. But all of those details aren’t the point of this post. The point is I actually somehow ended up getting married. Which I never thought I would. There was 3 “loves” in my life. My first, who ended up dying of a heroin overdose. The second, who ended up passing away by suicide. Thankfully, neither of those happened when I was with them. But, the effect is still more than I imagined. I had grieved losing them when the break-ups happened… but knowing they were gone gone was a completely different feeling. Either way that’s again, a post for another time. My current post is about my husband. The man I thought was perfect in every way. He made me believe in love again, believe in marriage, friendship, and so many other things. I go back and forth with myself on whether I’m refusing to be happy, or am I trying to find any excuse to solidify my trauma and not believe in love. What I struggle with, is the fact that he lied to me. I married him, and later found out he had cheated on me, multiple times. None of what I found had happened recently, but it happened. Now, I find that our marriage and everything I believed in feels flawed. I married him because I thought I could believe I was with someone who would never do that to me. But, he did. Since I found out there’s been no indication it’s happened again… but I also haven’t looked to find out. He also knows what I would look for in general. So, I’ve felt its pointless to look. Mostly because I don’t want to find it - but, also because I don’t think he’d be stupid enough to get caught again. Things were getting better… because we were living in a rural area where there was no opportunity whatsoever for indiscretion to occur. But, now he’s in a place where opportunity is everywhere - I’m supposed to be “reunited” with him, living the way a married couple should be in about a year. it hasn’t even been a week and my mind can’t think of anything other than he’s finally going to find what he was looking for before. There had to be a reason he cheated before. That reason has never been clear to me. The only conclusion I’ve been able to come to is something was lacking. He swears it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him being insecure. But, if it’s my role as a partner to boost his self-esteem, how does that not relate to me? We don’t have a lot in common, and I truly fear every day that he’s going to find that girl that will talk about politics and war and all the things that spark his passion and realize I just wasn’t it - I’m just not the one he should have married. More than that, I fear he’s not the type of guy who would just admit that to me and end it. I fear more than anything that he would just lie to me. Cheat on me again. I truly believed I could get passed the cheating if it didn’t happen again and to my knowledge it hasn’t. But, 3 years later, 4 days into a long distance e relationship, the only thing that’s on my mind is “when will it happen and when will I know”. I thought the trust would re-build over the years. But I’m starting to believe it never will. The bottom line is I don’t know if there is a way for something like that to re-build once it’s gone. The only way would be for opportunity to preset itself and see that it was shot down… but how does that even happen? The only true testament to solid trust is just that it’s never happened… but it has. Multiple times. Even after being caught. How long do I keep holding out for hope? When do I realize I won’t ever get passed it? As much as I love him… was everything shattered years ago?