It turns out he never really existed. He was just in my head. The signs were all laid out in front of me, and I chose to ignore the actions and to believe the words. The man you really are, the one I see before me today, isn’t the same man I knew. I miss the safety I felt in your arms. Its no longer there. I miss the connection we had. I miss the love I had for you. I miss the love I thought we shared. But it never really existed that way. I miss living in my delusional fantasy. It was easier and simpler there.

You never did feel for me what I felt for you. And I don’t believe you ever will.

I realize now that I never knew your inner world. I so openly let you into mine, but you never really did let me into yours.

The “I’m Not Good Enough” wound is so deep for me. Its instilled right into my very core. And I don’t know that I can stay with you and heal while also believing I’m not what you desire, I never really was, what you want is, in fact, out there, and I alone will never be good enough. You resurfaced this wound when I was in one of my most vulnerable states.

I have agonized and tormented myself for the last three years. I don’t think I can do this for a life time. I don’t feel safe or secure. I’m not sure I ever will.

All I desired was you. You desired something else. And you lied. A lot. And now I no longer believe I’m desirable. I know you don’t desire me the way I desired you. And I’m afraid now I will never truly get to feel what that’s like.

I’m running out of ways to cope.

I feel broken and pathetic.