Why are boundaries so difficult especially when setting them for yourself? I have admittedly allowed myself to be hurt way too much in life. I have also learned my lessons the hard way and grown. A LOT. I did this not only for myself but for my children. And wow what kids they are. I mean… most moms would say their kids are great but coming from the father they had WOW! They are. I had the lady balls to put boundaries out for them but myself… c’mon lady!! Tits up!! Now I gotta’ really get outta my funk and see where my path is taking me.

Lets recap and see if it’s just me but i’ve had a bad run.

Bad divorce from very bad abusive man, SUPER bad credit, change in career paths to raise two young boy’s. I handled that. Super big debts due to that… check. Handled. Son #1 with autism and mental challenges and getting him assistance while handling mom in chemo and brother mismanaging estate. Check. Mom passes away and move with children after caring for mother and children devastated.

Started new relationship with man 8 years younger with younger child (who we have been friends together for a few years) but who takes to my children completely and they take to him - Positive!!

New relationship, let’s call him Tucker, lives with me and the boys.

Tucker cheat’s on me twice. But will never do it again.

Tucker is very close with the boy’s and an active “parent” including dropping off/pickup with bio dad and step-mother. There are multiple issues with bio father household including the police being called due to domestic issues in their household and we will go and have to pick up the boys when issues arise. When there we will have to, at times, protect the children from either bio dad or the step mother from screaming in their faces or becoming very mean verbally. Tucker will not allow anyone to hurt or be insulting to the boys ever. He is good with boys.

Tucker has grown very close with both boys but we do not see a lot of his daughter as she spends most of her time with her mother or his mother.

My special needs son, let’s call him, Tony, started to need more advanced care and began to get inpatient care occasionally. Tony is very high functioning and if you were to meet him you may not even think he is autistic. He can get very emotional very quickly as he does not understand emotions and they overwhelm him so he can appear violent. The medications during his pubescent and pre-pubescent time was very tricky to manage and made it difficult for him. At one point he was at his bio dad’s and had taken a shower (he was 11) and used the “guest” towels and his stepmother got angry and whipped the towel off him. He got very embarrassed and ran away upset. When he did this the dog door slammed shut and made a hole in the wall. She called the police on him and made a report about damaged property. I was served an arrest warrant due to a missed court date on his behalf (he was the minor and I was his guardian and a different county) - they were nice enough to not arrest me at my place of work and to reschedule as they then understood the circumstances. I had to take my son in front of the judge, with his father, step mother and her whole family there (still all pressing charges) and they also wanted to make sure he never came back on “their property”. I also showed the judge how my son was getting disability at his young age due to his condition and was about to go into a residential facility (see below) and I didn’t want him to go back there. He dropped the charges. After court my ex husband charged into me and shouted and screamed into my face so much 2 deputies had to take him away while two others stood by me and my children. Apparently I was “shielding” my young sons from reality to much.

Tony was inpatient 4 times with in 4 years then went fully residential. He spent 4 years in residential care and came home at the end of 2020. When he was discharged everyone there, the director of the hospital system and two caseworkers all said how amazing he did. He also “graduated” to a special needs high school which he had been part of prior and they all welcomed him back with open arms. He became their leader in volunteer work and as a Teacher Assistant in setting up Google Classrooms for the other students because.... COVID.

I couldn’t believe it. Tony gets to come home and COVID!! It affected everyone but.... really!! This kid has been living in a literal lockdown behind locked doors for 4 years and now lockdown?!?! For real?!?! I felt SO SO SO bad for him!! And he doesn’t like to be touched or near anyone and yet we are all on top of each other!! So… he went to live with my aunt in 2021. She is 70 + about 20 minutes away and like a grandma to us all. So.... yeah. He helps her, she helps him, they keep each other company. Good deal for both. It works. Love and family.

Covid also brought us Flower. Tuckers daughter! We would see her occasionally on the weekends but then her mom asked us if she could stay for the summer and then asked if she could just stay for the school year. Ohhhhhhkay. So, it was a long year of making it work when an 11 year old is dropped off and doesn’t want to do school, listen, wash (self, clothes, or anything), or do anything at all. Flower LOVES her brothers which is great, especially Tony and they had a blast. But getting her to listen to anything was hard. Tucker however didn’t want to hear about any problems.

The summer of 2021 brought other revelations when Flower came to stay. She was going to live with us for good. We found out after she was dropped off. She found out too after she was dropped off and her mom had already moved along with her siblings. What a super shitty way to tell your kid you moved!!! “By the way, I moved with your siblings and I just left you with your dad.” Like, what the actual fuck!! Flower came into my room crying, sat down on the bed and I asked what was wrong and she told me! I hadn’t even known!! ((Deep breath))

After my divorce I had worked in the restaurant industry doing private dining/banquets and then I had hurt my leg. After that I had a medical issue with some of the medication, they had me on and I nearly died from complications. Due to all of that I was out of work for a year. Due to all the loss of income and credit issues we had been living in a two-bedroom apartment. But due to a grant I had for Tony we needed to stay within certain zip codes which were not cheap. A two-bedroom apartment with an 11-year-old girl and my other son, let’s call him Peter, who then was 15 about to be 16… they were both thrilled.

During the year I was sick Tucker had JUST started his work to become an apprentice to be a carpenter in the union. He had also been working in the restaurant industry and needed steady income too. Yay for us becoming adults right? He had applied for a few unions and was excited to become a carpenter. He had started the training prior to me becoming sick and it was just terrible timing. The 4 weeks “training” is barely any pay and then of course you gotta wait to get hired somewhere. He didn’t right away. then he did. And didn’t. And did. And didn’t. It kept going like that until now. He will graduate this coming October. It is the lulls that kill us and I have to save us with my pay.

Flower had lived with us basically since 2020. We are trying to buy a home, and have been, for a little more than a year. Or let’s say, I am. Tucker says he is but he is so un-realistic. He hasn’t even filed his 2020 taxes.

Backstory was needed I guess, but I started this out by wanting to discuss Hell House where I am currently living (WOW what a story) and getting some advice (even from my own brain) about what path to take on the next few months on Flower, Tucker and how to help Tony and Peter. They won’t come back and live in Hell House because of the condition of it. This was supposed to be to help the family all come together until we bought the house and it has torn us all apart. The boys are all tired of Flower, she is a terror and Tucker has just become.... Tucker. So… Boundaries. I set boundaries. Does that make me a bad person? No. It does not.

On the next episode, Hell House and Flower.