Impatient, a term I’ve endured and lived with my whole life. If I want something and it’s with in reach it’s mine. I’m self driven once I have a goal I pour my life into it until self doubt pulls me away in this vicious cycle. A cycle I’m stuck in now. Mature at birth I would say. My mind works differently very analytical, realistically is the only choice. Imaginary friends never filled my head, only my best friend, myself and the empty room I played in. High school parties, letting loose, never my speed. Always feeling a grasp away from tuning off internal thoughts. Graduation comes and goes like the speed of light. Now what? Moving away for college? Never an option. Community college here I come, but not really because I truly have no passion for a career. Just a mindless job that I can slip in and out off. Two years pass, still no college in sight. My personal achievements go in the back seat, marriage homeownership will be my life till the dust settles. Now present day, college has taken the front seat as i focus on myself. Husband gone for 48 of 168 hours of the week. Those days heal my lazy introvert self that wouldn’t leave the bed if I had a choice. But also pull me into inner child trauma, the child who had no one, not a sibling, not a friend, just two parents who had a child too young and now will play catch up till im 18. Gone constantly. Luckily college fulfills 2 out of the 24 hours I sit waiting for the days go by till my partner returns. One day a thought implants and grows and infects my brain. A child. A child. A child. All I can think about these days. Why shouldn’t I early twenties child bearing age, married husband has a great career, we own a perfect family home, why not now? I open Facebook only to find everyone else achieving this thought I cant shake. Once you want something it’s all you notice. Grocery store, check out lines, parks, restaurants. Beautiful families enjoy this bundle of life. So how do I deal with this impulsive irrational crippling thought? Look online? No. “Haha have mine trust me you don’t want one” “your wayyy to young to be a mother” “live your life you’ll regret it!” Thanks Susan im glad you believe your wisdom helps me fight this urge I’m trying to control for the next 3 years. Husband and I fantasize the time and picturing our life once we’re ready. Still doesn’t help, watching your sister in law give birth only to selfishly think we’re more financially stable why can’t that be me? Nasty thoughts tearing your self down thinking well birth control mishaps are common! This once stupid thought that you planted now is a weed that has your brain infected with all the ways I can achieve this dream. I’m impulsive, irrational and self destructive. Waiting waiting waiting knowing if I just waiting I can give a child everything and more than I had. Not reliving my childhood if i just wait till I graduate diapers formula day care cost wont tear me apart. If I just wait. I hope to come back to this in 4 years with a beautiful child in a crib thanking myself for waiting, for not making life hard for myself. Not letting these 48 hours of myself and my weed infested brains get ahold of reality. The waiting game.