I guess I want to start writing, it has been a really hard 6 months. I don’t want to accept that it’s been a hard few months but I guess it really has. I lost jk and I miss him but I have to remember the bad shit he did and even the bad things that I did. He threatened to break my face when I wasn’t listening to him, he walked away from me when I showed my ankles, he told his sister to evaluate how I felt about him, and when I had felt she went and told him that I probably didn’t like him anymore.

He used different girls to make me feel bad about myself, his dad was inappropriate with me, his dad was sexist and hit his mother, he was also very aggressive and controlling. His dad was rude to my mom and dad, jk made his disdain and disgust for my family very obvious. Makes me wonder if there is something wrong with my family, is there? What if my family is horrible and his family is perfect, what if my family is the reason that I will end up alone. I love my ambitious strong quiet family though. I dont want to be around very boisterous energy, it gives me a headache, also his mother would speak in a “baby voice” like wtf dude youre fucking 50 years old, act like it. Gross. Almost as gross as that chick feeding her brother and then asking me not to hit on him like bitch ewww you feeding him with your hands and hes fucking 21 years old.. gurl ew.

Also ugh why am I so jealous of other people being happy.. her success really fucking bothers me.. its the worst! I want her to fail at everything.. but she is so hapy without me. sighh, who wouldn’t be? That story comes to mind though, the one with the boat, the one that shows that we really dont know what the fuck is planned for us.

I used boys as an escape. Boys like A and M and even F because I wanted to believe that I wouldn’t end up with him but I still wanted a safety net.

I was so afraid and I am still afraid that I will end up alone, that I will have no one to love and no one to share my life with, I’m already 26 years old. I am turning 27 soon and I don’t have any potential suitors. Even A is bored of me now, not that it matters, not like he’s eligible.