pls excuse the sad ranting

i’m 24 years old as of 6/2/2020
i don’t trust having a romantic relationship anymore.
my ex was a girl who’s love language would be “receiving gifts”
she brought the idea of breaking up several times, i thought “shes thinking of it alot, she probably wants to break up but can’t say it. she deserves better than this” so i said yeah.
i was dumb thinking i could make a living off my writing skills. i’m somewhat of a ghost writer but that doesn’t pay like you think it would. it’s fulfilling artistically but its not worth it in this reality… (this is to my existence since 10 year old self) you might be able to say you changed a lot of peoples lives and you were heard by millions (arguable billions) but if you were me right now you would see that was no monetary value in the years of artistic effort you did. just an empty feeling in your pocket and no one believing in you at the end of the day. I have a feeling of being trapped in a universe so vast that i can’t imagine this wouldn’t be hell.
when i have my schizophrenic episodes i’m so sure that i’m in hell and that nothing is real. i really am in pain when i’m not numbing myself in virtual worlds and trying to rationalize why this is not just a simulation. when i was abusing weed i also wanted to spiritually evolve which lead to my three suicide attempts. I thought i was a leader but in reality i was just too weak on my own. when i tap into how i feel inside and what i think, i end up flowing with tears in my eyes.
i am in love with my precious memories, i miss being with people i cared about. yet since my manic break-down i’m not sure what memories are “real” anymore. I recall so vividly things that don’t quite seem real if i said it out loud. yet… i can’t help to believe it was all real.
I know love is real, maybe not exactly romantic love but something like an unconditional love. Its cliche but i think the power of love kept me alive through my suicide attempts. like the raw energy i put into the world came back to save me in some way.
anyways yeah i used to be a feminist in a lot of ways but now women are taking the feminism thing way too far. now a lot of political things that females bring into conversations just make me mad. females try to make you mad on purpose too (some say so you would sex them harder) idk if thats true but i’ve heard that and u bitches be real toxic to guys who don’t need the extra stress on them. i know i will hear a “thats not every girl” but you girls know who you are. thats my opinion on that.
maybe its cause i thought i could be a man and be happy in a relationship without a monetary boundary around the whole relationship. I thought i deserved a relationship that was all love, hugs and kisses without money and richer guys involved. Sure I smoked weed, sure i didn’t make much money, sure you didn’t know about the songs i’ve written for you/about you, sure i did a lot to show you i loved you, and it is also true that i didn’t do absolutely everything for you. if i did do everything i would look like the next elon musk or childish gambino (odd pair to say rn i know stfu). it seems like i’d have to be a millionaire to keep a girl in my life and i thought i would be able to be happy with the love i was so eager to share. But no.
you girls don’t get with a guy unless theres something in it for you.
guys like me are used and get forgotten. we help and expect an ROI but don’t necessarily need it as long as it helped someone else get through their stress filled day.
i know it might be fucked up to hear it from some “sad boi” on the internet but i kinda get why women were held on a leash before. it was to shut out the judgement that females will always have against men. he’s not rich, ew– he’s ugly, he doesn’t have a horse dick, he’s doing nothing with his life, he keeps secrets from me, he’s boring etc. No fucking wonder they tried to use papers to keep yall loyal and checked (marriage papers to make girls love unconditionally). Adam in the story of adam and eve will watch you eat the forbidden fruit and join you knowing there would be consequences. That would go for most guys that believed in love. Well you know what since you say fuck loving unconditionally and claim misogyny… i say fuck all those conditions you have for being with someone like me. you girls really saying too much out here you got way too many guys wanting to give up on love and thinking they are weak and thinking they’re just wallets. You create angry men to argue with females, thus more angry people, an angry society. I hate to blame females but all you females need to do is love and THATS IT.
you females think there are people who don’t deserve love despite being a race that thrives on the power of love. Maybe it’s bigger than that and unconditional love is impossible in the bigger picture. i’m not surprised girls don’t really have unconditional love, this world doesn’t seem like the place for unconditional love anyways. Wars still exist, where men (and some women) will fight blindly for the people back home. I laugh about that because in a way that is their unconditional energy being used for a (different?) love for their family and country.
i’m so sick of feeling this way. like i don’t deserve love. like this world wasn’t meant for me. like my opinions will never be validated because i’m slowly losing it while understanding everything at the same time. times are changing, i want the best for the human race.
I can love women unconditionally. but at this point are they even deserving of it? does anyone deserve anything? why do i deserve to live? i was chosen in this life to be conscious yet why do i find every reason to want to kill myself? why do i find a reason to be alive? why is a reason so important for me at this time? I just want to have fun with my female friends again. why does thinking about them hurt me so much? why do I want them so badly. i don’t have a good reason if any at all. i know the girls who stumble upon my harsh words don’t deserve it. i’m just mad because i couldn’t kill myself without going through hell again.

in an ideal world we’d all be happy with just eachother’s company. to all the female friends i know in real life i really do love most of y’all unconditionally. the toxic ones reveal themselves online though. Perhaps i don’t hate females but i just hate the nature of life. That’s all that society and our biology lead us to. Survival of the fittest if you may. an unfair condition of living. A hell where get to watch your own suffering in the highest definition. Where you get to watch God’s gifted ones thrive to pass on their blessed teachings where you might be lucky enough or gritty enough to be a slave for. “This life” is not fair and nor is this world a place “that needs to be” (in reference to this is probably hell).
In my opinion, at the end of the day, exploitation of good resources is what heaven is and the lack of preferable resources is what hell is. I’ve been working with those in heaven from hell. I might be pissed as hell when i’m awake but i can go to sleep in peace cause i was lucky enough to see a little bit of it. Just not quite lucky enough to be there forever. Heaven wouldn’t be heaven without a hell to compare it to.

“this is hell with a smile”
:)