In my 34 years of life, I have outlived many already via horrifically traumatic moments. I’ve been attending therapy every week for the last 16 months. Some days i am so very excited about clearing more things from one nervous system over to the next. At one point, my kidneys were failing due to my Complex PTSD and inability to cope with such an injury. So, I began EMDR Therapy, honestly pretty great stuff to help desensitize one to the traumatic events leading to the Injury. Here’s the thing, i’m not sure it’s what’s best for people like me. Honestly, I feel like i’m losing my fight. My soul is absolutely exhausted. When I was originally diagnosed, I had just completed Paramedic School. I was going days without sleep and we won’t even speak of things things that you experience. I ended up checking myself into the mental hospital because I seriously felt like I was going insane. The flashbacks were constant. The amount of time that I would spend dissociated was terrifying and my temper was constant. Unfortunately, First Responder PTSD was NOT the first tango that I danced with the dragon. I’ve had PTSD starting at the age of 4. It’s unfortunate that my home life was full of abuse, being left to burn alive in a vehicle, and then sexually trafficked by my own Mother and Step Father. My life has been less than appealing but as I have said, I have done what I could to help with such a situation. I’ve done the medications that are mixed more often than walking up and having them dispensed by a gumball machine. I’ve done “Talk Therapy” where you sit there and talk to someone that is a really good listener but doesn’t assist much in the department of traumatic moments. I’ve taken EMDR Therapy and it’s been the most help. It’s helped the flashbacks become less disrupting and I actually feel a little more in control than I did before. However, even with all of the EMDR in the world, it will never provide me a family. It will never give me back everything that I have lost. Now, I just feel numb. I don’t feel much of anything other than sadness.. There are times in which i’m completely engaged in life. Times that I see great big futures for myself and everyone around me. Then there are days where my mind is so tired that breathing seems like too much effort. I haven’t seen a friend in… Honestly, 6+ months. In that 6+ months, I probably held 3 phone conversations. I feel like i’m losing things to say. I use to get so angry and argue until I thought that my head was going to explode. Now, I just sleep. I’m in a relationship with someone whom is OCD and sometimes our demons don’t play well with one another. She is great but I have a really hard time understanding why we need to argue about the dishes being done and put up just not exactly the way that she had them. I’ve had too many flashbacks or random dissociation for too long since I last grabbed that mixing bowl to fix your dinner… My deepest apologies. I can’t say anything to anyone, ever. Some days, I forget what my own voice sounds like. I sit in silence and in judgement upon myself to try to figure out why I have deserved this life up until now. I try so hard to make it better. I’ve been searching for an outlet of some sort. This may be it…