Hi and welcome! This book will hold the entries I write about the struggles and successes I have while dealing with severe anxiety. No, that does not mean that I’m a hermit who always hangs out in her bedroom, no it does not mean I don’t talk to people. It means, in simpler terms, that I’m afraid to do those things. To people who do not have anxiety, checking out at a grocery store or being the first person to get up and hand in an assignment is effortless. To me, it’s terrifying. I get a feeling in my chest. Like my heart is being squeezed. Like icy veins travelling towards my shoulders and my stomach. My hands go cold. I can’t focus on reality because of all of the thoughts going on inside my head. It’s an endless tornado of pain and fear and frustration. I don’t get enough sleep either because my mind steals the energy from my body to keep running and never shuts up or I force myself to stay awake at night because I know that if I fall asleep that the next day will come faster.
Now you may be thinking, “Oh, she’s just over-reacting. She’s just a teen who never learned how to talk to people.” Well, I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong. I know how to talk to people. I know to make eye contact. I know to speak clearly. I know to listen, to not interrupt. I know how to be polite and I am. The thing that scares me is what the other person is thinking. I thought of someone silently judging me behind my back haunts me every time I leave the house. I can’t help but wonder if they think I’m disgusting or trying too hard, but I am learning to not care about what they think. They don’t matter to me, so why should I matter to them? I don’t have to be perfect or impress everyone that I pass on the street because, in all honesty, they’re probably too busy thinking about what other people think about them to care about me.
Cheery, I know.