Woke up to mum’s call. Offered Namaz. Thanked him for everything I was experiencing, which was mostly hurt. But there was beauty in it. There is.
Through the day, I got some work done: work I hadn’t gotten done for months. Even called Nimit up to see if he wants to go to Phoenix Park. Because I was scared of being alone with my thoughts.
I put up a fight today. Actually, a pretty good one. Worked out and ate and prayed to get bigger. For today I couldn’t rely much on the former two.
Got sleepy in the day. But the pain wouldn’t let me sleep. Haha, It’s either Pain, Fear or Desire that prevents me from sleeping when I’m sleepy. I’d like ‘Discipline’ to be added to the list. Instead I got up and got my bike which did not have a chain anymore. Spent the usual 10 minutes looking for keys. Got out. Realized how I hadn’t bulked much, yet found myself rather heavy.

How could she? Sure she did. Mmmm, have you ever experienced emotions too sophisticated to manifest individual thoughts in your head? All you can feel is the pain, but when you try to reach out and grab that one reason that’s causing it, it’s gone.

Gone, much like the dreams I am seeing. I go out and come in a few hours. Finally, I’m too tired to sleep without thinking. Hahahaha, aww poor me trying to control what I think. Saw her in my dream. Something painful, can’t remember what. I never thought I, of all people, was capable of feeling such hurt.
Cooked. Trying not to think. Ate, but couldn’t swallow beyond hunger. But need to bulk. Stuffed more. Decided to go the fancy reading room I’ve been paying for and hopefully find something to do. And then in a moment couldn’t hold back. and checked if her other account still showed up in my dms. We never used that. And it did. And there they were, those pics in that black skirt she had put on for me to see, that I couldn’t find all the while we were together. Why now? Why do I see them now when she.... I can’t type more.
The problem is, I don’t want anything to change. Meaning I can’t stop hurting. I broke it of with her because it was the right thing to do FOR HER and me, We are still in love though and she way more than I. And to deal with it she .... I can’t