I started this account to be able to express myself but at the same time keep myself safe.

Going back to the beginning is difficult but how can any of us move forward if we don’t go back. My very beginning was mundane. I was a regular child, who grew up in your “average” middle class family. I had no idea what was coming nor was I even remotely ready. This is me, facing my past and moving on. Well, i hope so.

Where do I start…

The only word I can think of is pain. An abundance of pain and sorrow. Unfortunately, that’s all I can think of when I look back. I had your regular firsts, like first loose tooth, first scraped knee and first steps. Of course not in that chronological order. Some firsts were a lot more unexpected and unnecessary. First black eye, first rape and first time the cold, sharp blade touched my soft skin. I remembering watching the blood swirl around my wrist as I sat on my bathroom floor in college. The smell of metal filling my nose and more pain in my heart then the pain I felt from cutting my wrist.

I wondered, as I laid on that cold poorly tiled floor, that if there is a God then why is he giving me way more then I could handle. Everyone I knew said, God doesn’t give you anymore then you can handle. Bull shit, I call bull fucking shit. I was 15 years old and I hadn’t even began living my life or had made any choices to have brought to that night. That cold and stomach turning May 24th weekend. The only choice I made was to go camping with my friends and to trust people which ended up with me now not trusting anyone at all. But doesn’t every 15 year old have so much trust and faith in people. Aren’t we suppose to make bad decisions when we’re young so we don’t repeat them? Doesn’t every 15 year old think the world is safe and that no one would ever do that? We think we’re invincible and untouchable but we are so fucking wrong. I was 15 and you were in your twenties. You were my best friends cousin. I trusted you. I was wrong. You left me in the woods to die from hypothermia. You left me broken, cold, naked, scared and you took everything away. My spirit, my trust, my innocence and my self respect. Your now wife even found you on top of me and me unconscious. Did she blame you? No, she married you and I was labeled a whore and I took advantage of you. I was left bare and exposed. You altered my life and the choices I have made has led me a stray from what and who I was suppose to become. But no more.