I’m in love with my best friend.
Maybe I’m overthinking it or maybe I’m just being dramatic, but I really think I’m in love with him. Again, I tend to be on the dramatic side so I really don’t want to jump to conclusions, but I did a lot of research. And by research, I mean googling, “I’m in love with my best friend help” and then taking a quiz with the result of yes, I am definitely in love with him.

I’m eighteen. I’ve never had a boyfriend, even though that’s all I could think about. I have had many crushes though, but compared to how I feel about him, they are worlds apart. He’s all I can think about. Literally. I’m falling behind in my classes because I’m just sitting there, replaying conversations that we’ve had in the past and analyzing every single detail about him when I should be listening to my teacher explaining how enzymes work. I don’t know how to get him out of my head. He’s always there, mocking me about how stupid I am for falling for someone that I can’t even talk to some of my friends about because I’m nervous that they would think I’m just using his friendship as a way to get closer to him.

But it’s not like that at all. I’m friends with him because I love being with him. I love experiencing new adventures and creating inside jokes that no one else besides us understand. I’m not “using” him for anything. I love our friendship.

And for that reason, I can’t tell him anything about how I truly feel about him. I can’t tell him how I know we would be perfect together, or how he would fit in with my family. I can’t tell him how it genuinely hurts me while listening to him talk about other girls, or worse, being with other girls. I don’t want to lose him and if I tell him how desperately in love I am with him, he’ll slowly disappear from my life.

I know how it would pan out. I would tell him everything that I wrote down, but maybe in a less dramatic way, and he would slowly fade from my life. Because if he did feel the same way, there would be no reason for me to complain in this word document. We would be together.

It wouldn’t be his fault that he is out of my life. It would be mine. I don’t like confrontation. I despise awkward situations, even though I always seem to end up in them. I would avoid him at all costs, trying to forget that I made the biggest mistake of my life.

For clarification, I don’t want to feel this way. I wish I could only feel friendship towards him, but I can’t. I’ve tried for so long to get over him, trying to pursue new crushes to distract me from the heartache. But, I always compare those guys to him and remember that he is the only one that I can think about.

And maybe he doesn’t even deserve me, or maybe I don’t deserve him. However, I’m trapped in the thought of how perfect our lives would be if we were together.

Maybe he thinks of me, too. Maybe he feels the same way but is too afraid to ruin our friendship. But, I’ll never know. And neither will he.