I kept an online Diary since October of 2000 when I was just 22 years old. Yesterday, I reread
serveral of those entries and today and am completely taken aback at how different I was at 22. I believed I had so much time ot be able to accomplish the goals I had set for myself. As I moved along in the entries, I notice that the time is dwindling until I am at present time- quickly approaching my 36th birthday in a few months–and for the first time I feel like I am no longer climbing that mountain toward that summit, but rather I have reached the summit and I am beginning the steep and perilous descent.

High School and College Graduate. Married for 8 years. Mom to three beautiful and amazing daughters; two of whom are only a few years from being adults themselves. As difficult as she is sometimes, my youngest is one of the greatest blessing bestowed upon me. Its as if the Universe knew I would find myself in this unhappy place and made sure that I had a constant reminder that I am still needed in someone’s life. My youngest, she still needs me to help guide her and I am so grateful for that. My two oldest are so incredible. They are smart, kind, beautiful and well-adjusted girls who have morals and values that any mother or father could only wish for. I am so blessed.

I married a man who has a difficult time expressing emotions with the exception of the bad ones. Anger, hostility, rage. He is very different from the boy I met 14 years ago and equally different from the man I married 8 years ago. His time with me has helped to give provide him with the tools to get a grip on emotions that would otherwise control him and his behavior. He doesnt rage out of control like he did when we were newly together, but he never quite reached the point where he cold convey his happier emotions either. I love my husband. Unconditionally and forever. But I don’t believe I married my soulmate. We joke and say that we have stayed together because no one else would put up with him, but there is a jarring honesty to that statement. Sometimes, I feel like he sticks around because he is so used to us being together.

Then there is his illness. His blood condition that he has been dealing with for over a year and a half. He has been on death’s door many times, but he always manages to find his way back to me. He has made many mistakes in this life; we both have; but us coming together at the time we did was fated. He needed me in his life to be a mother to that little 3 year old daughter of his. He needed me to be there and show him that there is good in a person and that it is possible to trust someone with your heart. I feel like I have been that for him. Not that he isn’t a good father or partner; he is a wonderful father and provider. But he looks at life from the perspective that one should provide for one’s family by blood, sweat and tears and overlooks the need for emotional security which is equally important.

I stopped writing in my previous diary site because I had written long enough. I felt like I could not longer say something without feeling like I had become repetitive. I am going to try again, here, on this site. I am hoping that my entries will be cathartic for me; an outlet to release the stress and disappointments that I feel like I endure on a daily basis.