I see my bloody hand, my greesy hair and i feel thirst. Not only for watre, but for love. And I still keep doing the same things that only make all this worse. I lost track of time and space. Like I’m not here. I don’t remember single sentence my mother told me today, or any of my professors. I don’t remember my homework, and I started forgetting names. I had no motivation for writing anything down during class so i layed on table thinking. She (my friend) looked at me and said ‘’fucking crazy’‘, but I didn’t respod because she would joke about it just casually. I knew by this point my face expressions were changing while I was staring somwhere. She said ‘’You are crazy’’ again as she started laughing. I finally blinked as I looked at her. And from that point I don’t remember how but we completelly ignored class and talked about me seeing psychiatrist. I laughed and said I know. I remember I asked her what does her mom thinks of me, since I really love her mom and appriciate her. ‘’Run’’ she said. I didn’t get it. Then she said ‘’She realized your mom is crazy, and only way u can save urself is that u run, and stop living with your parents. She said u will go crazy if u continue to live with them after 18’’ I looked at her and knew she was right. But I was alreday crazy. We continued talking and i started explaining something to her I don’t remember exacly as I started drawing a circle on the table. She took her phone n said she will take a picture to show it to my psychiatrist. I laughed and asked her to close the camera. I didn’t even knew why but at some poins of my talking I started laughing. I didn’t know why tho. It seemes funny how fucked up I am in my head rn and that I don’t feel okay in any way. I talked about everything trying to say every thought in my head that’s bothering me. So I wrote it down.
- I want to see my bf
- My mother might have cancer
- I’m insane
- Your neighbour thinks I’m fucking crazy
- My bf will break up with me
-My dad said he will lose his nerves on me cus i picked food for dinner
- Your mom thinks I’m crazy
- Your neighbour said I’m afraid to break up with my bf because I might be with him then
-They will blame it on my mom’s disease if I go there now
- I wanna help people as psychiatrist myself but they won’t let me if they write down I’m crazy
- I think i worote I’m crazy twice
- My bf is fucking cold to me
- In a minute he’s not anymore
- I don’t know should I leave him or try ti fix him more, and destroy myself more
- I’m bad infuence
She asked me to read them because I wrote it awfuly messy. I felt coldness and chils in my spine as i started shaking and banging on the floor with my leg nervously. Next class wan’t any better. I was so goddamn stressed and I felt so fuucking insane. I talked with my friend whole class again but I only remember when she said that i pulled her down again, and I constantly do that. I asked her how can I help, and she responded ‘’ You can’t we would have to stop being friends’’ I sinked in even more. I didn’t wanted to make her feel bad again. She was so fucking happy today and how she is fucked because of me. I asked her why isn’t she fucked me off alreday, but she said she can’t answer that question. She only said it has 8 words. I’m still thinking about that. She said that she doesn’t wanna say things to me because conversation with me doesnt helps, and because it’s bothering me then. Because I’m analysing everything and that fuckes her up too. My thouughts, she can’t listen to them anymore, at least not all of them. ‘’And u shouldn’t be fixing ur relationship youu should be ending it’’ So I asked her does she realizes that I would be bad as the other night when I broke. ‘’Yes I know u would’’ Well I don’t want to be like that for months, and I know i would. And her neighbour would only make me feel worse because he wouldn’t stop trying to fix me and trying to be my bf and showing me love. Which I would completely hate by that point. -> ‘’But love is what you need, exacly what he’s offering you. Because in the end if you fuck urself up even more he will be the only one who will be able to help you’’ <- ‘’And u don’t have only three reasons to live, you have four. ‘’ I looked at her confunsingly. ‘’U have my neighbour’’ (Ill just call him Luke from now on, and my friend will be Caroline) I was pissed because I realized that now I do fucking care for that ass, that’s trying to fix me and he still didn’t realized he can’t. Just great I thought. Now I can’t killmyself because i would have guilt x4. Only reasons I still haven’t are my dad, my bf and Craoline. Few classes passed and Caroline was avoiding me. So I sat with her and said I will change. I will be possitive arouud her because that is what she needs. ‘’But u can’t just fucking always change urself for others’’ I know, but I will. I’ve been doing it for a while and I don’t want to hurt you so I will be possitive. So I tried and tired against my feeling and thoughts just to make her laugh. And I did succeeded. I was so bad but the tought of my bf made me feel better so I sent a texing saying ‘’I love you baby’’ He wouldn’t respond for 15 mins so I called because he got home hour ago from school n could talk. Then he sent a text after not answering.
- Why are u calling
- Just wanted to say how much I love you
- How can u be so fucking annoying?
I sinked in even deeper trying not to cry, I know this looks like an overreact but everything is falling apart and when only preson u thought will always be there for you says something like that, you want to cry. I just wanted to sleep, I felt to dead. So I told him i just wanted to say I love you again and now I want to sleep. He called about 3 times so I answer on texts he sent because I would fall asleeo by time he would respond. I said I’m rlly bad and want to sleep, that I love him but I really want to sleep rn. He said Good night n that was it. Woke up later than i should. I skipped a meal. I didn’t went to orchestra because I thought I was late alreday but I got lost in time again. And when I was actually late I just said fuck it, hope dad won’t be pissed. He hates when I miss a single rehearsal. So I went to Loren to help each other with homework. She lives in same street as me so I was quickly there. Caroline was texting me about her bf how he’s texing somebody else. I remembered I shouldn’t be negative and just listen to all she says n then asked does she wants to hear my opinion. I hope I helped by saying she should be honest with him, n say It’s bothering her and ask him openly about some things. She sent me pictures of one day she was hanging out with her ex-crush and our friend Ana that moved to Vienna. She looked really happy and beautiful. She said she was really happy herself. Because he was there to talk to her whole day, so I said I will find someone that will make her happy like that too. Since her bf lives 200 kn away same as mine so she is sad that she can’t see him. Anyway, I did homework with Loren and went home at 10 pm to find my dad drunk. Sitting in front of the empy bowl and my mother in her bedroom praying ofc. Fucking same as always. I went up and my bf woke up. But he went to eat n was away for hour while I was writing this. He came back.
-Hey
-Hey what did u eat?
-Meat
-Nice, what was like
- Why do u always have to ask so many fucking questions?
My heart broke again, as I tried not to cry as hard as I could 15 minutes ago.
-Okay I will just be quiet and I won’t ask any questions.
-Okay - he said only that
Then I started to cry a little bit as my whole body hurted and I felt dizzy. Trying not to say anything bad and negative that might make him sad i wrote this.
-I’m really trying, to be everything everyone wants me to be. And especially when it comes to you, I try so hard to make things interesting.
-Please talk to me..
-David I’m sick
-I’m really fucking sick and I’s getting worse and worse
-Every day It’s getting worse
And he just went, he didn’t even read it, I knew I fucked up again. Because I don’t want to make people around me sad and I just can’t. I know he shouln’t act like that to me but, It’s all so complicated. I explained the story so many times to few people repeating it in my head which made me break. So i probably won’t tell you. Because I’m so bad right now I don’t have strenght to take a shower. If he called me and talked about what ever it would help so fucking much but I know he won’t because I had to get used to his coldness and not being here.
I don’t know how I stared writing this and I know there are so many fucking mistakes but everything is dizzy and I will go to lay down and hopefully get a text from David. Things are so bad and I don’t see a way out. It’s so bad I don’t know what to do. So i pretend everything is okay so it goes away for a while and now it’s killing me. I will look at this tomorrow and fix mistakes and add things but for now bye.