“Did i really have a choice when it all started.”

This seems to be a question that more often than not, echoes like a flash in my mind and i find myself caught in a loop wherein i struggle to find a greater purpose to my life than simply “being”. How to do i even begin to describe to you the psychological atmosphere this creates in my mind, imagine: You’re in a room, everything is black, a piercing silence resonates within you and nothing is the only something. Within this room, time does not exist, cannot exist since you don’t remember anything except the blackness and silence in which you inhabit and then something strange happens.

How would i begin to describe what this strange happening is? A flicker, a hum of what seems to be a short lived cadence, driving you mad and spurrs you into a soaring imagination, among the blackness of this room and the silence you are so numb to hearing you struggle to ask yourself whether you simply imagined this strange occurance, or it trully happened. You attempt to emulate this anomaly, but you can’t seem to get it right, it’s just not the same.

However, something has now changed, you sense a disturbance within you, a turmoil now accompanies you within this midnight oasis, a sensation has now captured you, birthing a myriad of visions, flashes, images. Colors now fill and encompass your entire existence in what seems to be a dreamlike state of euphoria, suddenly there is no blackness, there is light.

Again to your dissatisfaction, it was short-lived and vanished and the once so distant blackness returns to you, boring into you like a drill through concrete, you refuse to accept it, clinging onto this so called dream of visions and vibrance, until finally you have all but forgotten this experience. Agony is now your companion once more, embracing and suffocating your hopes for this needed escape until suddenly the silence becomes the savior.

Attentively you embrace this silence, as it was with you when you dreamt and peacefully you let slip the treading of time hoping that again you will re-live this miraculous change, until a horror screeches into your very identity. At first it put you into a state of shock, dissolving whatever silence you have come to appreciate, you hallucinate as the sharp screech echoes away at the blackness surrounding you.

This screech that tested the resolve of your sanity, makes it’s presence around you within the blackness, echoes ever so quieter around you, cyclically progressing to tones you could tolerate, quieter and quieter until silence returned. Except that something once more is different, you feel a throb, within you, pacing you in low, near-silent reverberations for a time. This rhythm now accompanies you in this solitude, proving to be an excellent companion, what was far is now so near, what is seldom remembered is now always present.

You feel electric sensations culminating within you, tingling and flowing smoothly within and around your being, light has found motion. Suddenly the blackness around you no longer stares into you, it now reflects your being, in a vivid and living representation of you, a most wonderous and enthralling oddity.