I’m not used to putting thoughts to paper…or hard drive..? Nevertheless, this still seems odd to me but I am going to do my best to let this be an outlet, for I have no other.

I am 21, 22 in five days. I have a job as an Animal Control Officer for my city Police Department. I bought my car in December of 2015, when I was 19. It’s a 2016 bright blue Sports-like car. I recently bought a house, or a townhouse really, I’m August 2017. I was told over and over that I could not do it, but I made it happen. I’ve never had financial help from my family, they aren’t well-off either. However, they love me and I think they would do anything for me, given I ask.

I have 2 dogs, and 2 cats. I live with my boyfriend that I have been with since June 8th of 2015. We met at my job, worked together for almost a year and never really spoke other than me telling him to make food every once in a while (we worked in fast food through high school). One night, after I had left for college, slept with more people than I would have liked, I was back home for break, working my ass off, and I decided to go to a party in my hometown.

I’ve never been a happy person, but I can put on a good face sometimes. Well, not good…more okay than anything. I always felt like there was no point to my life, and nothing I could ever do would make me worthy of the life I wanted. So I’m turn, I decided to go get drunk at this hometown party with just a couple friends from work, if you could even call them that. The type that you talk to and joke around with during work but never speak or talk to outside of work.

I made my own drink, extremely strong, and within the first hour of the party, I was already stumbling. Beer pong just accelerated the behavior. After one drinking game came another and by that point, I was drunk messaging guys the words “come fuck.” And one replied that really interested me. It was that guy from work that I never talk to, besides those few bossy orders I shouted, and I told him to come on and gave him an address. I always thought he was gorgeous, but I also had been trying to mess around with his chicken-shit best friend for the last six months.

Time passes and the alcohol only sets in more, ya know, as I drink more, and soon, I’m on the couch with a cool washcloth on my forehead. I hardly remember him walking in the door. Not even five minutes after, I go to bed with my best friend at the time, my female best friend’s fiancé. And we literally “went to bed” and slept until about 5 am—a good two hours of sleep before I drove home to get ready for work at 7am.

The next night, for some reason, we all got together and did the same thing. I got a message during the night if the offer was still on. Not nearly as intoxicated as before, I was very nervous because I wasn’t sure if that’s exactly what I wanted. I felt like I was forever going to be alone, I sent nudes to almost anyone to try and feel good about myself and the only guys that gave me attention would take me into the woods to do physical things so they wouldn’t be seen out with me. I don’t think I’m an absolutely terribly ugly woman, but apparently not good enough. I figured I’d take my losses and tell him yes.

Not even an hour later, this guy shows up. Everyone else at the party had been throwing drinks down just like I had the night before. They all passed out on couches while I sat completely across the room from him. He began texting me from across the room, asking if I even wanted to do it. He jokingly asked if I was chicken. I told him no and as my phone died, I got up the nerve to move into the bedroom.

Let me just say, it was the worst, most awkward sex ever. I don’t know what I expected—we knew nothing about each other. But somehow, after I left, I still wanted him. I told him I wouldn’t get attached and yet, here I was, being a typical woman letting feelings get involved.

He messaged me the next morning asking if we could stay together and the rest is history. To this day we are still together but I wonder if we are meant for each other. Tough times being fights and make me see flaws in our relationship and I wonder how to know what path is the right one.

I know no one will ever read this thing so I’m going to just leave this here now. No reason to worry about just ending this without a good fade-out.