One thing that bothers me, perhaps more than anything else, is everyone getting married. I don’t even care so much about the children part…I don’t think I want children. But I am seething with jealousy over being able to find that 1 person I click with, connect with, want to be with.

Dating for me had always been difficult. I was the fat friend…always. Prancing around with my beautiful skinny friends (who are all married with families now). I was the fat friend who was given free drinks to, “Talk to your friend for me.” No one ever wanted to know who I was…unless it was to get to my friends.

Enter bulimia. (buli)Mia was fantastic to me. She made me pretty. When I was no longer the fat friend, suddenly I became the center of attention. Suddenly the same men that wouldn’t look my way, were looking my way, were talking to me. And I was young and stupid to think it would last forever. Or that I would, in return, have my pick of the litter.

But the guy in the basement didn’t appeal to me…I had my own apartment in NYC. The guy who barely finished college didn’t appeal to me…I had my education all wrapped up. I chased after the impossible ones. The ones who didn’t want me, but I wanted them, so I enjoyed the thrill of the chase.

The nice ones I scared away because I would bring them home way too soon. Sometimes on the first date. I also liked to drink. Maybe I was too sloppy a drunk.

No geeky, boring guys ever looked my way. Maybe I was too loud, maybe I was in the wrong place.

I was the party girl snorting coke in the VIP area because I could. Being comped at the door because I looked like a good time.

Now as each year passes in my 30’s, I am reminded of my ever slimming opportunities. When I find out there is still a single man around, I move in quick…but another woman gets to him first. Then a year later, the “She said yes” ring post appears on my newsfeed. And my hope sinks even further.

I try to tell myself to be comfortable with where I am, with who I am…but I will never feel comfortable. The one thing I want in life constantly eludes me. And I tell myself I will give up dating, I will give up trying, and I sincerely mean it for a day…before the, “I can’t believe I am still single” thoughts creep back into my head.