I’ve been through a lot of shit from a young age that a kid should never go through, I’m now 16 in high school and I’m struggling to cope with school work, family, my mind, teachers, friends etc. It’s fucking hard, I feel like I’m living a double life I act a certain way at school or confident and happy but when I’m home I feel isolated and alone with a house full of people. I really don’t understand my feelings, I don’t know how to express it and I don’t know how to talk about it. My mum is so invested in my brothers and sisters lives that she barely even asks me if I’m alright, my 2 sisters are drop outs and didn’t pass year 9 and took the wrong turn in life which resulted in some pretty devastating out comes like being in a car accident, addicted to smoking, being pregnant at a young age, running away several times and ending up jail, 1 of my older brother didn’t make it past 10 he started to get involved with gangs, fighting and drugs he was then diagnosed with schizophrenia, mind you this sibling was the favorite so my parents had high hopes for him because he was good at sports like football and running and he was smart he got tons of academic awards but he just fell in the wrong crowd he had a physical fight with my dad cause he made my little brother cry, my oldest brother completed year 12 he had set the standards high for the rest of us to meet but most of them failed to meet the standard. This brings me to my little brother who now is the favorite sibling and is literally having all the attention that i never got when i was his age, he has been sheltered from things that I should of have been sheltered at his age but wasn’t and i had to grow up real quick. Then there’s me 16 years old contemplating whether to drop out of senior high school just like my other 3 siblings or to complete it like older brother and graduate senior high school. Honestly I’m doing this for my mum and dad they really want me to graduate and get a good job etc you know all those expectations your parents want you to achieve in life but then they don’t wanna help me in the journey to graduate they never ask how’s school, do you need help with anything?, is everything alright? No one thing about me (I really don’t expect my dad to help me because he barely can speak English and he has a lot of cultural values and expectations and its hard to talk to him) my mum is always helping my other siblings with their problems, who are now adults and unemployed with babies. School adds a lot of fucking pressure and anxiety, I’m falling behind and its hard to learn when you got a lot of shit in your head, I’m always having interviews with teachers who are asking if everything is gong alright or if I need any help with anything which i always answer with one of the most known lies known to man which is “I’m fine” but really I’m dying inside sometimes i just wanna tell them everything but i just don’t know how to, like the words don’t come out and I feel like I can’t trust them with shit I know so I don’t bother I mean if my own parents don’t bother with my life why should a teacher care about me I mean its not even a part of their job to care about me so i just don’t involve them with my problems. You know shits getting real when you can even talk to your friends about it cause if I say too much they will problem think about me in negative way I know a lot of people I’m not one of those shy kids who does not like to socialise with people and shit so everybody automatically assumes I’m living the good life because I laugh of the time, I smile all the time and I make conversation with people all the time but really it’s a mask that I wear at school so know one knows the real me. Whenever I get money i usually save it because were always struggling with bills and food etc there’s even times when there was no electricity for a week most of my sibling went to their friends house and slept but not me I stayed home with my parents and younger brother cause I didn’t want to leave them alone in the complete darkness, so back to why I save my money whenever I get it, it’s because I know there gonna be a time when we don’t have any and were hungry so I give my money to my mum who says she will pay back but never does but almost overtime she pays my siblings back with money. For the past few months my dads been unemployed but has recently landed a job that pays good money which is very helpful honestly I wish a had stronger relationship with but sadly I don’t his favourite sibling was my sister, I remember one time him and my mum had a huge fight and separated for quite lengthy time and out of the siblings who could of took it was me (my little brother wasn’t born yet) I remember sleeping in the car cause he went to go met this girl who I didn’t know we went to the petrol station to get some gas, I was pretty damn hungry and he wouldn’t buy me anything to eat so I stole cough lollies (that’s how desperately hungry I was, that I was willingly to eat cough lollies) from the petrol station and ate it, so were finally at the destination where my dad met this girl but at that age I didn’t know what was happening, me bring young I thought it was mum so I was really happy and tied to get out of the car but it wasn’t my mum and still tried to get out but my dad wouldn’t let me and forced me to stay in the car in dark by myself while he went to talk to her, at that age I was scared and absolutely terrified, they were talking for hours that I fell asleep but then woke up when he came in the car (at the time I didn’t know anything but the girl he was talking to he had an affair with and was the whole point why my mum and dad had a fight) so we went to go life at my cousins house for a while, and trust me it was the worst time of my life i never liked them cause they try to break my mum and dad up cause they didn’t like my mum but I was acting like I didn’t know anything about it so I acted “normal”(lying came pretty natural to me at a young age) so eventually everything was sorted out and they got back together, I remember coming back home to find my siblings having the time of the life they all had new toys, clothes, eating McDonalds and shit while I came back wearing my cousins big ass clothes and hungry af, I was thinking to myself why didn’t my mum get anything for me or why didn’t she try to come back for me so I sat down and I felt like me and my brothers and sister relationship was gone, I felt like I didn’t even who they were for a second (to this day me and my siblings so don’t have a good typical brother and sister relationship, expect for my older brother who’s always trying to help me and support with my things in my life but his having his own things to deal with so usually don’t get him involved). I really do think about committing suicide but then I realise that ain’t gonna do shit for me because I haven’t even fully experienced life to see the positive in the world instead of the negative which I’m constantly seeing, so sometimes I think about what if I disappeared would anyone miss me?. In away I think i have mental health problem but i really don’t want to admit it because quite frankly I think I don’t by there’re many signs that I’m depressed and have anxiety, i really don’t wanna end up like my brother, i wanna live a good life, get a job in the entertainment industry or something like that or at least just a real good job, one I get enough money i wanna move out of my parents house and start a new life and find someone that I can settle with and forget about my past but for right now I’m only 16 so I need to chill about my future and live in the present that will lead me to my dream future. If anyone has advice feel free to comment some it would be really helpful in my decisions I make.