Sometimes when things like motorbike crashes happen and you loose part of your memory, it’s a blessing in disguise. Although lately, some awful memories have been slipping back through and I’m reminded of some pretty nasty things that have happened to me in the past. I thought I would type them out, so anyone who cares to read can do so.

Trigger Warnings Bullying, suicide attempts, fat shaming, rape comments.

First thing that came back to me a few days ago with a thud to the emotions was memories of my first few years in high school. I had a group I called friends from primary, we had all chosen to stick together so that high school wouldn’t be too bad because we’d have each other. Now don’t get me wrong, there were four of us and the other two, we shall call them S and L. There was another girl we’ll call D, who features heavily in this. Now S and L were best of friends and had told D that since we were the other two in the group, we should be best friends. D always felt short changed at this, whenever anyone new joined the group, she loudly declared they were best friends and that she didn’t care that I was left out. This didn’t bother me at the time. When it came to high school however this became much more vicious. She decided to tell me one day that I shouldn’t wear my hair down because my ringlets made me look even fatter than what I was. This came out the blue. S and L went to go outside, I was in tears and D got up to go with them. They had said since she was so nasty and had caused this she was to sit with me. This of course didn’t make anything better as she just moaned that I should man up and sort myself out.
A few days later we were walking down to the park next to the school during lunch time. Some older guys walked past us and made a comment about how it would be really funny to rape someone as ugly as me. D laughed, turned to me and said ‘well really you should take what you can get, there is no other options for you.’ That hit me hard. She was so casual about saying this. I was far too ashamed to tell anyone until some years later.
Every day there was insults thrown my way. I was fat. I was ugly. I shouldn’t be alive. It didn’t overly get to me, I thought I had a group of friends who I could count on. One day after class I walked down into the back of the lunch hall to find the group, which had gotten to a fair size. D saunters up with a smirk on her face and exclaims loudly, “Nobody here wants to be seen with you! You’re an embarrassment, ugly and fat, nobody likes you here! You’re just a pest! Get away!’ and starts pushing me away. I thought at least one person would have said something, but nobody said anything and let this happen. These people I had grown up with in primary were just letting this happen. Not one of them cared. How can you spend 7 years growing up with someone and treat them like that when they’ve done nothing wrong. Apparently it turns out they were being made fun of because I was with them. Nice to know that you as a person isn’t worth as much as popularity.
One of the girls from a different primary saw all this take place and came over to talk to me. She was lovely (at this time, she turned too). She had seen a few others get lost from their group of friends and got all of us ‘rejects’ together to form a friend group. This worked out well for a bit though it’s all still a bit fuzzy.

It’s so horrible to go through life, every day being told that you’re not worth anything. When people asked you out on a date, it turned out to be for a dare or a bet or as some joke. That stuff hurts. To this day I have a hard time believing anyone finds me attractive. No matter how much weight I’ve lost, I always feel like I’m fat and ugly. I’ve straightened my hair almost every day. I have zero self esteem. I became this asshole of a person because no matter how nice I was, it was always me getting hurt. I tried to end everything three times. Each and every day I wish I had been successful.
How are you supposed to recover when every single day you’re told all these negative things? It’s negative re-enforcement and it damn well works. Teachers couldn’t care less, told me to stop being so full of myself. I was told to ‘man up’ to stop being so sensitive. That I was clearly exaggerating because these things don’t happen in real life. Even when I was taken home with rope around my neck and smashed glass in my wrists, my mother told me I was an attention seeker and that I deserved a slap. Is there even any help that can erase so much damage? Doubtful.