This year has been the hardest year of my life. We found in November that has grandpa was going to die. Liver failure is what finally got him in february. It was a slow and painful death. One that I sat and watched by his bedside. I feel a lot of guilt. Guilt of not being there more. Guilt from the fights we had had previously. Immense amount of sadness that continue even today. He raised me. More than anyone. He kept a lot of my secrets. He loved my children more than he loved anyone. Probably including me and I was his favorite for too many years to count. I cry all the time in the middle of the night while I work alone. I talk to him all the time. I just hope that the pain subsides and the good memories are what remain.

He came to me in a dream two weeks exactly after he passed. He said nothing just hugged me and walked out of the room that my mom and I were in. I woke up in tears and knew that that was his good bye to me since he hadn’t been able to talk for days before he died.

My family has fallen into complete disrepair. Family stealing from my mom, spreading rumors. I just can’t deal with it so I’ve pulled myself from the situation.

Now my grandma has been rushed to the hospital. And nothing good is sure to come of that.

I have no friends anymore. I’m not very likeable. A rough exterior that is very hard to break through. Thankfully my husband has managed and continues to try. I hope everyday that nothing ever happens to him because I would survive the loss. He’s all I have. That’s enough for me . I’m just so very lonely and sad. I hope that it doesn’t drive him away. We’ve been together for over 10 years. He knows me better than I know myself. He keeps me from being a terrible person. An alcoholic that doesn’t give a care about anyone.

When my grandpa passed I was scared that I would slip back to the bottle all too easily. But I’ve stayed strong. Strong enough I should say.

I’ve learned that every day is battle. Of one thing or another. A battle to wake up, to not cry, to not lose my mind, to not lose my temper, to not runaway.