Intimacy versus Isolation.

For those of you who have taken a psychology class, you might be familiar with Erik Erikson’s theory of psychological development. Maybe you’ve heard of it from social media or a book. I don’t know, but it’s one of the few things I remember learning from psychology.

For those of you that don’t know:

Stage 1: Trust vs. Mistrust (Infancy from birth to 18 months)

Stage 2: Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt (Toddler years from 18 months to three years)

Stage 3: Initiative vs. Guilt (Preschool years from three to five)

Stage 4: Industry vs. Inferiority (School years from six to 11)

Stage 5: Identity vs. Confusion (Teen years from 12 to 18)

Stage 6: Intimacy vs. Isolation (Young adult years from 18 to 40)

Stage 7: Generativity vs. Stagnation (Middle age from 40 to 65)

Stage 8: Integrity vs. Despair (Older adulthood from 65 to death)

Currently, I’m in Stage 6 battling the isolation, and it’s not easy. I’m sure at least one person reading this can relate, and if so, I’m writing this for you…and me.

I used to ask myself, “How can I be surrounded by so many people, but still feel lonely?” Because we’re human and we crave connection. Most of us have family and friends we have connections to, but a romantic connection is a different type of connection. It’s more complex. It requires a different type/level of intimacy, vulnerability, and exclusivity. Which looks different for everyone.

When I was younger, in high school and early college, I used to compare myself to people around me. Not in an envious way, just in the way of “I wish I had that,” or “when is it going to be my time?” I felt behind in my dating experiences. I had my life planned out so naively.”I’ll meet my partner in high school, we’ll get married by 25…” blah blah blah. Very fairytale way of thinking.

I know it’s hard not to compare yourself to the people around you, but at some point, you realize comparing yourself to other people does nothing positive for you. You’re just wasting time. Seeing people your age or your friends in a relationship shouldn’t make you feel like you’re behind. That saying, “comparison is the thief of joy,” is very true. The more you focus on what other people have, the more time you waste disregarding your own progress. We all have our own timeline. Instead of comparing your life to others, focus on becoming the person you want to be. It’s just about changing your perspective and working for it.

My advice for people in the same boat as me (and reminders for myself lowkey): I’m sure you may have been told this, I know I have, but go out more. As someone who’s a homebody and doesn’t really post on social media or dating apps, my best bet is meeting someone through mutuals or in person. I learned I have to get comfortable being uncomfortable. I can’t expect my future partner to just knock on my door and say, “hey im here.” So I started going out to more social events. I’d just add go out, but do activities YOU like. Typically, people will recommend going to bars etc, but if that’s not your kind of thing, it’s not mine, don’t do it. It makes more sense to meet someone in an environment that’s comfortable to you, and that you wouldn’t mind going to again. For example, if you meet someone at a club, 9 times out of 10, they like to go out to clubs, drink, and party. If that’s not your kind of thing, you shouldn’t be searching there!

Next. Don’t rush into something out of desperation. Well, don’t rush into something in general. Go at your own pace. Take your time. Personally, I’d rather be single than be in a situation where my partner makes me feel constantly confused, unhappy, stressed, unsafe, or disrespected.

Which leads me to my next point.

Don’t settle for less. Obviously, nobody is perfect, but don’t settle because you want to keep that person around and you’re scared to be alone again. Save yourself the headache.

Lastly, even as I’m writing this, it’s all a work in progress. Sometimes I still feel lonely, but that’s normal. What’s important is what am I doing to try and change that?

I’m curious, if you’re reading this, what stage are you in, and what makes you feel that way?