I’m defeated, but no it that I was trying to win but hopeful he would see his hurtful ways and take accountability and fix his certain behaviors that not only were harming me and us but him personally too.

He does something to himself in which it allows him to edge. He does it all the time and I’ve picked up on the behaviors and things he does to do it. For instance he enjoys vigorously whisking things. Eggs, muffin mix etc. so he has also found ways to make that motion in doing other things where typically you wouldn’t need to make that type of motion. It edges him somehow and the way he sits or lays in certain positions and it’s very obvious because his face will get really red, his breathing is very heavy and sometimes he accidentally lets out a moan. I know this sounds made up but I promise it’s not. It’s affected our sex life to basically non existent. And if we do in the extremely rare occasion it last less than 2 minutes and then he’s completely done with me. He doesn’t have anything to do with me afterwards because he’s lost in his world of edging. He has withdrawn himself so very much from me. He literally has nothing to do with me anymore.

Today when picking him up from work I asked him if we could order pizza and have a movie night at home and I said I had a rough day and needed calm and peace and he said yes. Well we got the pizza, put on a movie he picked out and we were doing fine until he started his crap. And the thing is I feel like something is up with his phone and him edging because he will pick it up open a game app and just seconds later will start breathing heavy face gets ready and he lets out whimpers. Well he did this 3 times not even 40 minutes into the movie. I felt so betrayed and disgusted and kinda fell into a self withdrawal kinda like dissociation. He got upset and said why am I acting like that and I didn’t say anything because again I needed calm and peace. Finally I just could t take anymore and got up and left for about an hour.

I come back and try to talk to him about it and he denies everything and said I was the one acting weird and it’s my fault etc. I’m just at my wits end. He has manipulated and gaslighted me so much and badly that I struggle with reality anymore. I feel crazy and helpless. My mental health is completely messed up. I can’t keep a job, my anxiety has completely taken over my nervous system and my feeling safe. I walk in circles all day and accomplish nothing and I can’t figure out how to help myself. I don’t trust a single soul and have no friends or family. Most days I wish I wasnt here.