Hello Darkness, My Old Friend in Life

Lacking motivation. Struggling with depression. Tired of being sad all the time. Take more pills, they say, up your dosage, they say. Feeling like there is something fundamentally wrong with me that I can’t just be happy. I have a good life. I have a successful career. A roof over my head. My health. For whatever reason none of that seems to dissipate the darkness inside. Mind whirring a million miles a minute. How do you do it? Self worth. How do you make it? Where do you find it? How can you create it where it has never existed? When you don’t know what it feels like. How can I make myself feel something when I don’t have the faintest idea what it feels like? I’m a reasonably intelligent person. I’ve read articles. I’ve read books. I can’t find the answers that are supposed to come from within. Answers that I’ve never had. It’s really hard to talk about with people. “Hi, I’m fighting depression!” =)

There are no winners in a battle against your own psyche. Part of you must be lost. I’m afraid it’s the wrong part that falling away. Slipping through my fingers.

It’s like watching a movie where you know it ends poorly and can’t do anything about it. Feeling that loss of control. It makes me feel like less of a person. And the whole point is to try to convince myself of the opposite.

There are those out there who truly suffer. And my woes are nothing in comparison.

It just feels like I’m complaining. When really, I’m just wondering what happiness looks like. And why I keep failing to attain it. Unfortunately life has no instruction manual. No paint by number to help color the best path to go down. I leap from choice to choice hoping to be closer to this elusive question. Never knowing if I’m gaining ground or following a will-o-the-whisp.

I’m glad that there are happy people in this world. At least then, I know it’s possible.