Existentialism. in Growth II

A few months ago, I created a piece for “Collective World,” which functions under “Thought Catalog” (if you’re someone who is familiar) and I really considered posting it and mentioned to my friends that I couldn’t WAIT to post it, but thankfully I sat on it. The title consisted of something along the lines of “Stop giving yourself shit that you don’t deserve” and while I still firmly stand by this statement, the post in itself appeared to be very exploitive to a particular person, which overall, I’m not about. In addition, it appeared to be very victim-y; the very mindset that I have been doing extensive work to move away from.

The decision to not post this piece brings me to where I am today. A very good friend of mine who is also my built in life coach (but really, she is a certified life coach, get at me for deets), put it all into perspective for me this weekend by explaining “it’s easy to find reasons why we’re ‘fine’ somewhere, we are resilient people who have existed in chaos for years at a time, an awkward situation seems like nothing. But we DESERVE better, more loving ones. That’s the hard part. Convincing ourselves we DESERVE it to be able to visualize it and make it a reality.”

This may not make sense right now, but let me continue. I hope that sharing this information can be useful for others.

For the past year, I’ve been really trying hard to move towards a place of peace. Not necessarily externally, but internally. On the last day of summer break last year, I posted a picture of myself with two very close people to me who are just so wholesome, genuine, and true to themselves and others, on a boat in the middle of Seneca lake on a 90 degree day. Within the post, I mention how refreshed I felt due to focusing on “presence” for the summer. Staying true to myself and things that I enjoyed were essential, in addition to eliminating individuals who did not serve my greater good, while welcoming those who do, were the first steps in my process.

Presence has been something that has grounded me and was honestly, something I needed to happen. While this was a great start for me, more recently, I’ve been struggling with something that I think in turn comes back to my theoretical approach to therapy; existentialism.

Essentially, the idea behind existentialism is in order for each individual to be considered truly “human,” it is necessary for us to be aware of our position and being in this world. We as human beings are responsible for our own plans and destinies and we must evaluate how we relate to objects in the objective world, as well as to other human beings and most importantly to our own sense of self. In general, existential therapy focuses on issues or problems that are primarily due to (or “rooted in”) the individual’s existence. The basis of this theory indicates that individuals create their own meaning and purpose in life; therefore, it is each individual within himself or herself that is responsible for giving this meaning to their life. The approach believes that our choices will dictate the type of person that we become and focuses on what is considered to be the four subjects, or “givens” of existence; freedom, existential isolation, meaninglessness, and death. Defenses and resistance are to be expected and arise quite frequently in existential therapy, as the therapist is assisting an individual who is failing/unable to acknowledge the role that they are playing in their current troubles. As a result, individuals will often react with defenses and resistance when they are presented with the notion that they are lacking responsibility.

Does this resonate with anyone? I know for sure that I often resisted any kind of truth coming my way even mildly related to this.

Now, for the end of our psychology lesson, the piece of this approach that is so prevalent for me right now is recognizing how I have been acknowledging that I am not merely a victim in this world due to circumstances beyond my control, but rather a creator of my destiny. I, myself, need to take responsibility for the consequences that have come my way, rather than view myself as a victim where all of these bad things are happening to me. Anyone else feelin’ me?

The trouble I am facing currently is the slippery slope between moving away from being a “victim,” whilst being concerned with being “misunderstood.” Let me start off by explaining why these two things individually are difficult for me, while also being difficult together.

Have you ever been in a relationship that was not conducive for either party involved?

In my first stages of grief, it was very easy to point the finger and blame. It’s very easy for us to think outside of ourselves and see all of the bad from the opposing party, while refusing to acknowledge the role we played. The trouble with this, however, is how could I successfully remove myself from the victim role without placing the blame entirely on me? This causes great angst. It was either one side of the spectrum with victimization, or the other with essentially shitting on myself. If we continue placing ourselves in victim roles, where does growth occur? Where does the cycle end? If we move to the other end of the spectrum and alleviate all blame from the other party, we’re hurting ourselves and creating a situation that may not exactly be warranted.

Making a connection of “misunderstanding” with my situation was not one so easily identifiable. I have always been someone that is concerned with appearing as someone I am in fact, not. This can most certainly be linked to concerning myself with what someone else may think of me, which is something I have been struggling with, being a strong and independent female, but here it shines right through; hard for myself to really deny. BUT, how can I comfortably walk into a room with people, not caring about how they view me as a person, or consider their potential questioning of why I’m there? Being able to identify the sinking feeling continually presenting itself in these situations is one thing, but I concluded that these feelings are more-so “wait, they don’t actually know me.” This lead me to the conclusion that it is not so much that I need to be validated by these people, but that there is a potential misunderstanding; more so the urge to prove myself as the exact opposite of what I have been described as.

How do these two combine into an even bigger problem for me? Well, it’s easy. I can consider myself in a position where I feel very misunderstood by a community, where I state to myself “they don’t know what really happened,” “they don’t know I was pushed to that point every time,” which, is uncomfortable to me because within my mind, although the misunderstanding piece is there, I am still placing myself in a victim role. I’m pointing the finger and indicating that my actions were not entirely my fault because I was triggered/instigated, which is not fair because realistically, I am the only person who can react in the way that I choose. I’ve been really attempting to reframe my mind in a way of thinking “yes, you have witnessed this from me, but let’s remember that there’s always two sides.” Which, still, doesn’t sit right.

Thankfully, I turned to a person (aforementioned) with all of this who I deeply respect and value. She helped me reframe it where it became a situation of “what does it even matter?” Or, exactly “you can take it and say ‘I know all of these people feel this way and think this, and for many of them, it will stay that way forever. But I know who I am and what I’m about and I’m going to stay this course.” “Being misunderstood is REALLY hard. Because you feel the falseness. But it’s also not your responsibility to create clarity for anybody but yourself.”

The message overall here, is to be sure that you’re being fair to yourself; deserving. I honestly think this can be useful in a number of situations: the ending of a relationship, the ending of a friendship, sorting through an unhealthy situation at work.

Being fair to yourself doesn’t mean to only be sure you’re taking care of yourself and restarting. It also means being true and realistic. Are you projecting blame and failing to see and take responsibility? If so, be sure to sort through it all for what it is, not to take on blame that you do not deserve and create an unhealthy perspective. Are you caring too much about how you may be viewed by others in this situation? If you feel misunderstood, realize and acknowledge that it is not your job to change another’s view. You will be noticed more for what you do than how you appear.

Last updated March 27, 2018