What are five (5) fears you have?
I’m not leaving a positive impression or memories.
Legacy is a badge I have no intention of dealing with, but I am concerned that my Blunder-years were a complete mess and I burned down bridges like it was going out of fashion.
I could’ve had a life full of muses and musings, instead I chose the worst qualities of the dark-silent mysterious type and ran through red lights in a stolen car.
Self-destruction and not having any materialistic values tying me down was exhilarating, but took me decades to learn that people have different lives and not everyone has the luxury to set fire to everything and start over.
Even when I did start over, I believed memories of my past-self would also evaporate; they didn’t and that has made relationships with so many people so difficult because all they remember of me is a beast.
Apology Tour
There are rare few people I owe an apology to. A sincere, heartfelt apology that lifts the burden off me. This crushing oppression has made me so bitter that suicide starts to look like a good weekend plan.
Spike I apologized to at the right time. We have rarely ever spoken since but she’s always been a precious billboard in my life that I stumble upon and I’m amazed the kind of person she’s always been.
Vodka was probably the prophetic time in my life where God sent an angel my way to guide me and be my friend. And I ruined everything because being edgy and a total douche for momentary joy was top priority for me.
She’d always sing that Smiths song to me
It’s so easy to laugh
It’s so easy to hate
It takes guts to be gentle and kind
I recently looked her up. she’s breathtakingly gorgeous, she’s a living rock song and I hate that I won’t get to say sorry coz after all these years I will only be a stain on her pristine, happy life.
FIRE: Financial Independence, Retire Early
I had the opportunity, multiple times to setup my life in a way that I could retire in a couple of years. But I kept delaying it, kept delaying it.
I’m still doing it wondering if its worth it, fully knowing there’s no guarantee of a job tomorrow or where life takes me, what catastrophes might happen.
Writing this I realized I’m regressing back to “burn it all down” mode. This is dangerous and I know it’s dangerous and I’m just waiting here because fear of unknown has completely clouded my mind.
I can and I should do something while I have the money to burn.
The need to love and desire be loved.
I take full responsibility that I made the absolute worst decisions when it came to love and to be loved.
“be my once in a lifetime” should not work like terms and conditions of being in a relationship
or have an affair.
I’m too incompetent to understand people have different priorities, but I always ended up doing more to keep the affair alive and dumping all my desires like a checklist that must be completed to feel fulfilled.
I tried too hard to have original experiences. There are no original experiences.
I never tried to be a loveable person; hell, I never tried to be a presentable person.
Valkyrie pointed this out long time ago, in her dusky voice with that cold-anger look she had mastered so well.
I mean I’m neat, I’m tidy, personal grooming was never an issue but she pointed out that I refuse to make any effort to step out of my comfort zone to be a person she wanted to be seen with in public.
Specially when at that one picnic, I sat in the shade reading a book and smoking cigars for hours, she walked by, gave me a look and didn’t talk to me all day. I should’ve understood I’m doing something wrong, instead I was so happy that I’m reading a book by the sea and smoking some fine cigars.
Same with the lunches and dinners at work. I never engaged or chatted with anyone, mostly sat alone and ate my meals and Val always wanted me to join her table with her friends and colleagues.
I wanted her, my mind, body spirit dreamed of her. It would’ve been explosive and we’d be tearing clothes off of each other every chance we got. She was a monument to feminine strength, at 5’11 she wasn’t shy of showing of her passion physically and boy the things we would have done to each other. All she wanted was me to be a better person for the right reasons, which I rebuked and refused every step of the way.
Dwindling Sense of adventure
When did I become so complacent, like a lamppost in my own life. Stationary, firmly grounded, immovable.
I used to be an adventurer and I shot an arrow into my own knee.
I used to be lost in foreign cities and up to crazy stuff, now I’m sitting here sipping on green tea and listening to music like I’m some old senile recluse.
I know what I must do, I know I must have an adventure to look forward to, and I know what’s stopping me.
This chronic loneliness has finally caught up with me and well, become chronic.
I yearn for companionship and I have nothing good to give. Ok I am a great cook and I can fix things, but physically and emotionally I’m a scattered wreck.
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