ONE:
Reach out to Vodka and make peace. I don’t even know what I would say. I don’t even want to linger; I just want her to know I’m sorry and I don’t want to have a presence in her life. More than two decades have passed and we’re way beyond burning bridges, we practically exist in two completely isolated worlds where we must not, shall not ever cross paths.
She was the epitome of unconditional kindness.
She’d always sing that Smiths song to me
It’s so easy to laugh
It’s so easy to hate
It takes guts to be gentle and kind
I was a terrible person in my teenage, terrible, terrible, terrible.
Why is that the necessary intelligence and emotions only kickstart after a great tragedy, personal loss or grief.
I wish I had learned how to be kind like her. I was taught kindness is an apology, I was taught wrong and I had to learn it on my own what it means to be kind and how it costs absolutely fucking nothing to be just a decent person.
TWO:
Upgrade my PC.
10 years ago, this would be a lazy Tuesday activity where I would just go to the market, shop around for new parts like grocery shopping and come back home; blast some silly music and build a pc.
Now upgrading the pc is becoming an expense I never thought I’d have to save up for, budget it and make long term plans about.
I’m planning some minor updates next month, assuming I don’t face any problems in near future, I reckon I can hold off the major updates for next year.
THREE:
Start driving again. Only a handful of people know why I refuse to drive and I’ve kept it that way. I was involved in a car accident where someone died horribly.
I was in the passenger seat, the pedestrian ran into the street not looking at the incoming cars, the car in front of us took a sharp right and that dude crashed into us.
Three sounds.
Him hitting the bumper.
Him crashing through the windshield.
His last breath, blood everywhere on me.
Took me a long time to make peace with his death but this accident completely turned off the “driving skill” switch in my head. I have refused to drive ever since.
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