Stupid Boy in Poetry

"Stupid boy, no one expects anything from you
Your whole life you'll be one step from the grave
And there's nothing you can do to ever change it.
You only have yourself to blame" 

I've listened to these words for so long,
The choices that I made, 
leaving me two steps from heaven and half a step from hell
without actually letting go,
without actually living in this skin
That they've become a part of my soul

But it's been my fault that I've been waiting, 
For a moment, for a person, for something
to so perfectly line up with the atoms in my body
And tell me that I can let go of the things that came before,
That I can breathe on my own

And so I haven't,
I've grown roots
And I've grown old and boring with anxious panic
waiting for an end that may never come

And I refuse, I refuse
To let angels and demons decide the state of my last days
I've lived in fear for so long and I've built walls and I've pushed people away
But I've been waiting for life to find me, 
And I'm done waiting