Future Pain in Things That I'm Grateful For

Things have been happening so rapidly that I really can’t keep up. Although, now that my brain is functioning normally, I’m able to organize and get things set in motion easier. I’ve officially purchased my new ticket to Thailand, so as of right now, I’ll be leaving San Francisco for Bangkok on July 12.

The moment I bought the ticket, I had a panic attack. But this time it was different. When I used to have panic attacks, they were really debilitating. I would be stopped in my tracks and basically couldn’t do anything. I would get caught in a spiral of “what ifs” that would always end with me nearly passing out.

This time, the “what ifs” came and I kind of realized how illogical they were. I was trying to call someone, because I knew that if I had someone to talk to, I might not have the level of panic that I was expecting. No one was available at first, but out of nowhere, my photography professor from Cal Poly messaged me. We were usually pretty good about staying in touch, but she vanished in the midst of the pandemic, which isn’t unexpected, but I had reached out to her a few weeks back to check in and make sure she was okay.

She wasn’t, and she caught me up on the horrible things that happened in her family during this last year while she was stuck quarantining in Los Angeles while her family was sequestered across the country in a cabin in upstate New York. While I don’t personally have children, I can understand the anxiety of having that kind of barrier between you.

As we talked, eventually she asked about me and I caught her up on my treatment and plans for Bangkok. She was so encouraging and really reminded me just how capable I am. I’ve spent most of the last five years isolated and without people who really know me. I’ve made friends with some lovely people, but they have mostly seen me at my worst and aren’t aware of what I can truly do.

A few hours later, my good friend Angie (also in LA) returned my call. We talked for over an hour about my trip, about the fact that she’s finally moving out of her fabulous apartment in Playa del Rey to move into her partner’s parents’ house in Venice that has been in the family since 1909.

It was just a heritage moment. There is a lot to get done and I don’t know whether or not everything will turn out the way I want it to, but no one can know the future. But it’s so stupid to be afraid of future pain, what does that even mean?

This whole situation is very complicated, but you know what’s not complicated? My resolve.