The magic of the garden on a dark and rainy day. It makes me feel homesick and yet at home. It is Springtime and the music that I’m listening to is spooky and inspirational. I feel it washing me like a balm. The pain, real and imagined, is washing away for a little while. A glimmer of light dances on it to let me know that the end may be in sight. Sometimes in the countryside, when you can feel the rain in the air but it has not yet fallen, it feels like it is surrounding you and wrapping you up with affection. It was Ms E that gave me the gift of this garden and it is her love of it that keeps it green. I think for her right now, it is a tribute to her mother. I have fallen in love again and it has brought me a lot of unhappiness. Just like a kid, I struggled with defining it and analysing my feelings. Like I did in all my diaries, I tried to explain my feelings so that I might knock some sense into my head and tell myself that I was not in love. I decided at one time that my sick heart and damaged boundaries were telling me that I had feelings that were not there. All attractions probably have triggers. It does not mean you are not attracted or in love. And it is not something I can control. I can control what I do with it. I don’t want to do anything with it if I am reasonable. I may be running from something but this is foolishness. I was waiting for a word or deed that would burst the illusion but that is not what I got up to this. But feelings are such that any word or deed could signify almost anything to someone because we only hear what we want. I was not listening to my friend the counsellor some months ago. We talked about other feelings and how analysing them was not helpful. It was better to let the feeling happen to me and acknowledge it to myself. It was wrong to make myself hurt by trying to stick pins in my thoughts and feelings. There were other things that Yvonne said to me and that I agreed with. Those thoughts were about anger. And now, they are about attraction and I’m not helping myself and I’m not removing the feelings or making them go away by chasing them like the painter chasing colours across their canvas. So for now, despite all the problems, and despite all the irrationality of it, I will say that I have fallen in love with someone. Or at least, that I feel as though I am in love. I do not love them because this is something people build over time. But in the beginning, the feeling of attraction is the same. Always. At one time, I even said to myself that I was in love with painting, in love with the new life, in love with the new community, and in love with the new opportunities. But let us do what mindfulness tells us and sit with this for a moment – 20 minutes. I worried that I fell in love too easily. That I was foolish or weak in my mind because I felt things for people out of place, and maybe it is true. But it doesn’t change how you feel. It is wasted energy to try to reason out why I might be like that. If I were to see an aura then I would see a colour that meant freedom like green or yellow. I see the beach in Bray and I see the waves. There sometimes feels like another sense or a combination of scents that can only be felt as one sense. It is associated with patches of time. It is always associated with falling in love. It starts with one thing and grows. It gives you joy although you feel it only afterward. It assumes it’s own colours and scents and sounds. It makes my pace slow down. I went to the Signal Gallery on Sunday and it was like a dream where people faded into my eyesight and not out. And it was all one globular ball of feelings that I started to have earlier that morning and still had yesterday evening. There is much in life to be in love with when this cloud surrounds me. I felt this way about Niel. Back then, I listened to Xstasia (Sweetness) and visited the health food store. I doubt I ever wrote that I had fallen in love with Niel in a diary. I never wrote that I was in love anywhere. Looking back, I remember how I felt but I don't see the reason any more than I did at the time. I remember one single comment by a mutual friend that I held on to about him. It makes little sense to me today but I know I've compared this aspect of him with Ms E in that last few years. It is about holding people and yourself up to certain standard. And when they let you down, as they inevitably will with your high standard, being very hurt and disillusioned. This is how I feel about that idea today at any rate. I fell in love with someone else and spent hours writing about that in some way. I never wrote that I was in love then either. I wrote about admiring him. I wrote about feelings I had and feelings that I coudln't have. I probably fell in love with others. I loved E (not Ms E) in a different way. I never understood that. I won't even attempt to understand it now. I am just relieved I do not feel like this about him anymore.
After 20 minutes, I feel a lot of relief about it all. I hope it lasts.
I hope that this can be understood as not a lack of loyalty or the falling out of love. This is just the about the affection that I feel and the need to call it what I feel it is so that it is not hidden and misunderstood. It is for me.
Loading comments...