Self-Deprication in 2019 -The Worst Year

  • Nov. 26, 2019, 2:24 p.m.
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  • Public

So this morning I had a fight with my brain.

It’s as if it finds new ways to tear me down, almost daily. Just literally responded to a comment about this very topic. Therapy has been an asset to stop those spiraling cycles.

C has victimized himself. He has spun this web of deception and broadcast it to trap as many people who will listen and fall for it, as he can. He claims I wanted him out of our home, which isn’t a lie. But it’s more than just that. He has mentioned to people, in his defense, that I told him I almost divorced papa twice (or four times, he has said twice and four times, so who knows what lie to believe). Also, not a lie. Where the line is drawn here is where I used an issue to explain how hard his actions are on our family unit. In this discussion I have mentioned that I have considered leaving. I just wanted to give up. His actions effect all of our lives. That it’s selfish, inconsiderate, and very difficult. In these instances I have always reminded him I have chosen to stay because I will not be a failure to my children (always including him) and I will not allow these things he’s done, to tear our family apart. It’s as if he mentally said, hold my beer…. I used this as a learning experience. I reminded him I was a step child, too. That I understand. And I would not ever repeat the mistakes my own step father made. That I learned from it. Choosing to stay and be his mother is the best thing that I can do for him. For structure and guidance. For love and acceptance. I always told him his papa was a BOGO - and I could have left when he pulled for full custody (all that history is on my OD account).

Even now, I still instinctually include him as part of our family. I keep having to correct myself when I’m asked how many children I have. I still struggle with whether to call him my bonus son, or not. It’s such a weird thing. I despise him, but I mourn for what he could have been, and what I thought he was. Even though he screwed up so badly, and often, I always thought him to be an amazing big brother. Little did I know. I often have to fight back tears when I see families out and about who have boys that are big brothers to their sisters. It makes me sad that what I thought to be reality, was not. It makes me so sad.

What he says:
She never hugged me, she never told me she loved me, she told me she almost divorced papa two/four/ten times, she was mean

My brain:
Did you ever think you could ever just do better? Why didn’t you hug him more or say you love him one more time? Maybe if you’d been better, he wouldn’t be like this.

Me to my brain:
Well…I didn’t give up and I showed up daily. I did tell him I loved him and I did hug him. I introduced and called him my son. I didn’t leave, ever. I stayed and I tried my hardest, so SHUT UP, brain!

Brain:
....give me overnight to find new ways to fuck your thoughts up

Brain:
Remember all those times you just wished him to leave, and then when he turned 17, you couldn’t wait for 18 so he would be gone? Well you got your wish, you evil bitch, you wished him gone and it came at a steep price! Karma! If you have only never wished him gone, your daughters wouldn’t have been abused. That’s what you get!

Me to brain:
Well if I had chosen to leave, none of this would have happened and my babies would be safe and not likely to deal with this trauma their entire lives. So shut up

This is literally my brain this morning.

But you know what? This isn’t something I caused. It’s not my fault. C is a nasty person and he has no intentions to hold accountability. He will never have integrity. He will always seek his own pleasures and gratification, no matter the consequences.

In my own opinion, I believe him to be sociopathic and NPD. He needs intense therapy away from people he can hurt, for the rest of his life. He is 18. He will be 19 in March. He said something on video in front of the detective that is very concerning - concerning enough to question his interest in pedophilia.


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