He’s probably upset. Probably with her. Maybe he’s bored. Maybe he’s feeling bad about himself & needs reassurance. He’s definitely drinking. Each sip brings him closer to thoughts of me, while his annoyance with her and his situation intensifies. Then, I begin to look like a better and better option.
He opens our message thread. He might scroll through my public posts. He takes a few more long sips and thinks about how the worst possible thing he could do to spite her is to message me. Even worse than shaving off his beard (like last weekend when she told him not to). I am the forbidden fruit. I am somewhere he’s not supposed to go. I am the retaliation. The retribution. The revenge. I am The Biggest Fuck You possible.
I know I am spite-bait. I know it and yet.... My heart leaps out of my chest every time his name pops up on the screen. Our messages always start out innocent - and often stay that way. But, I still know in the back of my mind that even a simple “innocent” message to me could be scandalous to someone else.
Eventually he will usually pass out/fall asleep/get distracted and abandon the conversation abruptly - leaving me to wonder most of the night if he’ll come back. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn’t. But I always send him a goodnight message - though I fret about it for ages before I do. I hate the thought of my notification blaring on his phone unread for anyone to see while he sleeps - but I also hate the thought of leaving a conversation open-ended, so I take the small risk of sending another, hoping he’s the one to discover it when he wakes up…
When he sees it, with sober-eyes, he might think for a moment that whatever I said was sweet, and have a burst of good-feels before the overwhelming guilt sets in.
In my mind, I imagine that the next morning, his first emotion is always guilt if I have been involved - whether it’s by text, or in person. Guilt and regret. I imagine that he regrets drinking to the point that he spite-messaged me. I imagine he is guilty for talking to me, and even guiltier if things weren’t innocent.
In the moment he wanted revenge - and I was the easiest and most available option for that. Always around. Always so willing, eager and ready. But once the moment passed, the feelings of revenge turned to regret.
And that is how I’ve always felt, deep down. Like a regret. I’ve told him before that I didn’t want to be associated with negative thoughts or feelings. I hate that I feel like a mistake, a regret, something to be used to get back at another person…
He’s said that it’s not true - that I am not associated with negative emotions or bad feelings, and that he doesn’t feel regret when he thinks of me. But sometimes I feel like he’s just being nice to spare my feelings. I appreciate it, but it doesn’t change any of this.
I want to be someone who makes him feel loved, who makes him feel better when things are bleak. I want him to want…Me. Not for revenge, or spite, or a confidence boost… Just because he wants to talk to me, or be around me, because he enjoys my company.
I may be drawing unfair and one-sided conclusions here, but I truly don’t think so. Deep down, I can feel it. I have felt it for a long time. Because I KNOW him. I FEEL him. We are connected and I know. I just know.
I always hope that one of these times, when he comes to me for whatever reason - that he realizes that’s where he wants to be. And that, the next morning; he smiles when he thinks of me.
Maybe tomorrow morning will be the day… (but not likely.)