It’s almost been a month since I last wrote - when I was only half-surprised that he reached out again after our supposed “goodbye”. Since then, we have been in contact here and there. Not once have we mentioned what transpired back in late September, when he said we shouldn’t talk anymore. Not once have we mentioned the fact that I sent him a link to this journal in a final desperate attempt to get him to understand my feelings.... We have talked about lots of things, but it’s like that never happened.
He messages me last night and tells me that he’s shaved his beard off, and when I ask him what led to his decision to do that - he says his *”impending breakup”. *
He goes on to tell me a story about how he said he wanted to grow his beard out super long, and she said she didn’t like it, so he said he wanted to shave it - and she didn’t like that, either. So, he shaved it to spite her.
I had to laugh.
He video chats me and we talk for a long time - he shows me his clean-shaven face and his shaved head and talks about how bad he looks, but all I can do is the IRL-version of heart eyes, and tell him he looks handsome and badass. Whatever I said - I just can’t believe his face is right there, that he’s talking to me, that he said he’s on the verge of a breakup?? What?
He says: “Can I tell you something that you’re not gonna like?
I say: “Do I really have a choice? Because you always tell me anyway”
He agrees and we laugh,
He says: “You’re stupid. Really stupid.”
I say I can’t argue with that.
I really don’t have an issue with him saying this, because it’s true. I am stupid. So is he. This whole damn thing is stupid. I feel stupid for being so melodramatic about everything last month. He’s stupid for making me worry so much when he had no intention of saying goodbye-for-real. We are stupid for always ending up this way. He’s stupid for being in a relationship with someone who would try to control what he did with his own body hair. She’s stupid and needs to leave and go back to wherever she came from. This is all incredibly stupid.
He means that I am stupid for continuing to talk to him, to think he’s anything special, to want to be with him, to love him. And maybe that’s true, but it’s a stupid I’ve chosen.
Because when we say the same thing at the same time, when we make ourselves laugh, when we stop and tell each other how handsome/pretty the other is, when we agree on important issues, when we get caught up in talking about our favorite music or books or whatever – it’s an easy choice.
When I stare at my own face in the video chat, complaining about the unflattering light making my under-eye circles more prominent, and lament getting older… he tells me to get closer to the camera so he can see. I get closer, pointing out the shadows, and he says “you want to know what that is?” … “Insecurity. That’s what that is.”
How could it not be an easy choice?
He eventually fell asleep after apparently eating some edibles, and I texted him one last message to carry him into the weekend -
Hey, while I have you here… Just so you know…
I am really sorry if your relationship isn’t going well/is on the verge of a breakup.
No matter my personal feelings, I always want YOU to be happy
and I would never be happy if you were going through a hard time.
I want you to be happy! You are more than your hair, period.
You are SO much more than that!
So, I care and just want you to be content. ❤
Also, i don’t care if you have a beard to your knees,
no beard. a beard cut into intricate shapes…
or if you have hair, a shaved head, green hair,
or a damn wig… It is up to you,
and you will look just as handsome
no matter what you choose.
I do mean what I said, I never want him to be unhappy, or wished for the failure of his relationship. Even when I felt my lowest, I tried not to intrude on his relationship, I never tried to sabotage or wished ill on him or her. I think when you truly love someone, you put their happiness over your own, no matter how hard it is.
But all that being said, I can’t deny that it sent my heart a’flutter when he said “breakup”.
I’ve heard the words “breakup” quite a few times, so I wouldn’t say that they made me happy, or that they gave me hope, per-se… But I can’t help but feel a sense of relief that maybe when it’s over I’ll have a little more time with him.
I gave him the weekend - hoping he’d get back in touch and let me know how things were going… but it’s late sunday night as I write this, and he hasn’t come around. I sent him another follow-up message tonight asking how his weekend went, but no response yet. I am sure one will come, whenever he’s ready.
If he stays with her, I won’t be surprised. If a breakup happens, I probably won’t be surprised either. I’ve said here before I never thought she was the one and I didn’t think it would last. It’s always been a matter of time in my mind.
Despite all that has happened, the rollercoaster of emotions I have experienced within the past couple months… I can’t deny how he makes me feel. I can’t deny that if he called tomorrow and wanted me to stay the night I’d be there in an instant.
I can’t deny that I’m fucking stupid. Like, really stupid for him.