Old patterns in Hello

  • Nov. 8, 2019, 2:24 p.m.
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For some reason, I just can’t quit B. I slept with him Saturday night. We haven’t talked since. I’m not surprised. He is so incredibly toxic for me.... but oh so sexy. He is everything R isn’t (even down to the fuckboy part, R is far from one). One thing that I hated about R is that he’s definitely a bit too feminine for me… B oozes masculinity. His voice, his washboard abs, god he’s so sexy. As he was kicking me out Sunday morning (had to leave before his kid woke up, I totally get it) , all I could do was look at him without a shirt on & drool.

I am completely in lust with B. And the feeling is 100% NOT mutual.

So naturally I’m trying to figure out why (why I’m in lust, not why it’s not mutual 🤪). I was so proud of myself for handling the situation with R & here I am again in a toxic situation. I went no contact with R & even though it was hard, I never once broke it. I would think to myself “if I can do this with someone I really care about, I can handle no contact with anyone” But with B, I keep telling myself “oh maybe I should just like his IG pic from 2 weeks ago, maybe I should send him a few Snapchats”.

It was easier with R because I knew he cared about me. I know B doesn’t care about me & I want him to.

I try to look at every situation in my life as a chance for growth. I realized why I want B so bad, because he doesn’t want me (& btw have I mentioned his abs?). And I’m going to quit B. For real this time. No more chasing. I deserve better & I know it. The universe was just sending me a test to see if I was going to fall into old patterns.

Last updated November 08, 2019

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