12:23 in spectrality

  • Nov. 4, 2019, 8:04 p.m.
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  • Public

no yeah i have more to say.

i don’t know what i’m doing. like i don’t know if we are even compatible or not. we are about to enter our 4th year together and we just feel so at odds sometimes. like i need time alone, trulyreallyseriouslyimeanit to myself (no interruptions!), he does not.. and he doesn’t seem to get my need for this. he is at home 24/7 unless we go out somewhere together because his only real hobby is doing tech stuff on the computer or playing online games. i get out of the house, go frequently walking in parks, whatever – which helps, but i still want some honest to goodness private time with the house to myself every so often.

it feels like the straw that is breaking the camel’s back. he ended up going in to work today and i’m already feeling the sort of mental unwind that i only really seem to achieve when it’s just me in a house alone. writing a diary entry for the first time since JUNE, even! when he’s here i just find it so distracting and hard to do little things like that, which would keep me sane.

i don’t know, i just don’t know, i really, really don’t. we have other incompatibilities (sex life is not great, and it’s mostly “my fault” in that i still find penetration painful, which makes me feel kind of shitty and is just a self-reinforcing spiral where i feel even shittier about it and tense up even more, so the drive to do it is also virtually nonexistent, kind of have to force myself to adhere to a schedule of once every 1-2 weeks even if i’m not really “feeling it”) – and we’re at like THE POINT where we’re trying to decide, get married? buy a house? hard questions when you aren’t sure…

is leaving him a kind thing to do, to allow him to find someone better? or would it be horrible and only hurt him?

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