Well, I did it. There’s no turning back now. The thing I’ve gone back and forth about for over a year is now done. I sent him a message with a link to this journal.
During our conversation the other night, he asked me so many questions about why I am the way I am. Why I love him, what I want, how I feel… And I couldn’t fully articulate myself. Finally I just asked him if he’d read what I’ve written here - so at least he can see things from my perspective, and maybe learn some things he didn’t know, or that I’ve never expressed correctly because he makes me nervous. Maybe he’s forgotten some of the things I’ve said, or the things we have done and talked about. I generally remember most things and wrote about them soon after they happened - I even wrote some of these entries laying in bed next to him, that’s how quickly I wanted to capture my feelings.
He said he’d gladly read it. All of it. And I warned him it’s long. Over 80 entries that I never thought I’d share with him. I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t make the time, but somehow I think maybe he will. There are certainly things I forgot to write, things I put off writing, or times I couldn’t force myself to face… but for the most part, I have detailed almost everything that has happened in the past 4 years. I have been nothing but honest, even if embarrassingly so. I debated making some entries private because they’re written so gushingly over him, but in the end I have left it as-is, only leaving one private entry that has always been private because I didn’t want to publish private details. The rest are all public, even if cringey and cheesy and dramatic.
I guess I have nothing to lose so I have nothing to hide. He already has one foot out the door, I doubt 80 entries in a journal is going to sway him much. Not when he used to actively read my LiveJournal and OpenDiaries, even when I wrote about him. Not when I have written him hundreds of letters in the past.
I never wanted to be seen as that desperate girl I used to be, trying to prove to him that I loved him by having him read everything I ever wrote about him - so that’s why I always kept this journal a secret and as anonymous as I possibly could, so that I could be honest and not worry what anyone thought of me.
I’ve found so many like-minded people here though, so much support from strangers, it’s incredible. I only wish that most comments weren’t private, so that if he ever does wander through these pages, he could see what you thought, too, how much hope there is for things to work out… how much people can be invested in this little journey of ours.
I digress. I don’t know where to go from here. I’ve always written these entries knowing I didn’t have to second-guess or edit anything I wrote, because no one I know would read it, much less him. So I am not sure that now he knows it exists and could read it, if I should keep writing about him. Maybe I should end it here. If he makes good on his suggestion to stop talking, I suppose things would naturally end here, too. :/
I don’t want this to be the end of our story. I started writing here 4 years ago, barely able to believe that we had been given a second chance, excited about the fact that I would be able to continue our story from all those years ago. From Entry #1, I never knew where it would go. I was scared of risking falling for him again in case I got my heart broken - but I decided to take the risk. I know now I will always take that risk. I will always hope there will be more chapters to our story. Part of me believes there will be. Aren’t there always?
For now, perhaps our story exists in a dog-eared book on the highest shelf while he figures things out. Maybe not. But no matter what happens, I know I made the right choice in not only choosing to follow my heart, but writing about it here, and even sharing it with him now. If nothing else, at least he will know my heart better if he reads it. I want him to know I love him unconditionally, and it’s clear I always have. Always will. In whatever capacity he allows me to.
I am under no illusions that reading this would change the outcome of anything. I try to have hope (he once told me there’s always hope), but I’m also realistic. Nothing I have ever done has changed his mind, nothing I’ve ever written made him believe or accept how I feel about him, nothing has explained it well enough - so I doubt this journal will. I don’t think he will read it and then come running to my door to choose me like a scene from some 80s rom-com – even if that does sound quite nice in my fantasies. All I can really hope for is that he takes what I say seriously. I can only hope that he will stop to realize that every word I’ve written is true, and that I’ve always meant everything I’ve ever said. I won’t hide anything from him from now on - and I will always leave the light on for him. Always. I will always be hoping to add another chapter to this 17-year-story…
** (edit: I have gone through and starred the titles of entries I think are most relevant and important to read, which is why some entries may say revised within the past few days. since there are so many entries I felt it important to give some priority.)
Last updated September 19, 2019